THE UNIVERSE WILL HAVE ITS WAY.

2011-10-12T14:07:00.000-04:00

Follow my new blog: http://ninaruns.blogspot.com

2010-11-15T23:08:00.001-05:00

I've decided to run a half marathon in February. Training begins tomorrow. Wish me luck.

life is what you make it.

2010-09-26T00:18:00.004-04:00

Things have definitely improved since the last time I wrote here. I bounced back from Eric pretty quickly, thanks to just about everybody I have in my life. The job search is going at least slightly better. The Health Science Center contacted me with a few responses they wanted and then said that I would hear back within two weeks if they want to interview me. Then the other day I got a call from a veterinary clinic that I sent my resume to and they want to interview me for their vet kennel technician position. I'm hoping more for that job over the lab job at the Health Science Center, but I've got a few concerns about moving to Austin. First off, I'm not sure that the position will pay what I would need to support moving to and living in Austin. Second, I applied for a position in Texas Parks and Wildlife in Corpus doing sea turtle stuff. I'd be making over $30,000/year and it'd be a perfect career starting position. I'm not sure I'll be considered because a lot of people in this field have years and years of experience or at least a Master's, and I have neither of those things. But I'm hoping that working at Sea Turtle Inc. (which works very closely with the Corpus program) will give me a little edge.

So basically the issue is that if I move to Austin for this kennel tech job and sign a lease somewhere and move in and get settled then I'd be stuck there and would have issues accepting the Corpus position, should I even get offered. I'm not really getting my hopes up but I just want to make sure I make logical decisions with what my next step is. I do know that I'm craving my own place and I'm craving work and a schedule and a routine. When I have no routine, I get so disorganized and sidetracked from doing what I need to do.

Blah blah blah. I guess that's it. I had a great day today and a really nice, quiet night. Red wine, reading, Miles Davis, and episodes of South Park. And it just started raining again, for the millionth time this week. I've been loving it.

may you spread your love like laughter, find whatever your after, open all your windows and let the music spill out.

2010-08-31T22:17:00.004-04:00

Things are so strange right now. I feel like I have no direction, no purpose. I've been home for a week and I'm already bored. It's weird having graduated. I wish I was going back to school. I need to use my brain. I need things to keep me occupied so I can keep my mind off of my slightly bruised heart, but there's not much to fill the time. I've been applying for jobs that I convince myself will be decent, but truthfully, I'm not finding anything that inspires me. I know I shouldn't be picky, I just need some form of income, but I want to do something meaningful. I don't want to waste time working a job that I hate. Maybe I've become spoiled from all the amazing jobs that I've managed to come across so far. Or maybe I'm fooling myself to think that I can stay in Texas. There's nothing here for me. And I don't know what's next. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Aimless.

The past few weeks have sucked. Moving away from the island and employment, having to give away Kitty, getting hurt by Eric, then coming home and realizing that I have nothing to put my energy toward. I realize that things aren't really that bad, but I just feel down in the dumps. I was extraordinarily happy three weeks ago. And here I am now. Bummed out and extremely contemplative sitting in my bedroom. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

keep it loose, keep it tight.

2010-08-26T18:16:00.003-04:00

Summer is over. Things are feeling dark. I fell hard and then got my heart squished. Thinking about it makes me feel nauseous so I'll just leave it at that. My dad got laid off again. I'm unemployed and broke. I'm fifteen pounds heavier than I was at the start of the summer.

Something has got to change before I lose it. I'm drowning.

when you run make sure you run to something and not away from 'cause lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down.

2010-07-20T01:11:00.003-04:00

Shit, I haven't posted in forever. It's hard to keep up with stuff when you don't have the internet. I'm home right now, my birthday is tomorrow technically. I don't feel too excited this year, but it'll be a good one I'm sure. I'm going to Austin I think to do some swimming and hanging out.

This summer at Sea Turtle Inc. has been epic. I found two nests, which is two more than last year. My co-workers are amazing, I've met a lot of cool people, I got a new kitten (who I'm watching attack her own shadow right now), and many good times have ensued. I've even managed to save quite a bit of money!

My last day of work is going to be August 6th. After than I head back to San Antonio to meet Caroline and Bailey here on the 7th. We're going to hang out for a few days, and then, after sending Bailey on a plane, Carlo and I are heading to California together. We're going to go to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, L.A. to see Arielle and Grace and my lovely friend Deena, Monterey to hit up the aquarium and drop off a resume, then we're ending in San Francisco. I'll fly back to Texas on the 18th. Then it's hanging out for a bit while I figure out my next move. I got a job offer with a company called East Coast Observers. I'll basically be living on a boat in the gulf for six weeks doing some work with the oil spill, making bank. I'm pretty stoked.

Life is rockin' these days. More so than usual.

you said, "ain't this just like the present to be showing up like this?"

2010-05-18T01:57:00.003-04:00

Holy shit. I am graduating from college in less than a week. It's all been hitting me more and more every day. I just got back from a four day long vacation at the cabin in Vermont today. It was amazing. Old faces and new faces (though I wish there had more more cohesion between the two), beer and boxed wine, laughter and tears. I am so appreciative of all the people I have in my life. This year has been rough and a lot has changed, but I'm glad to know that they're still there, even when some of them don't seem like they are. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about leaving. It's so scary to me to know that this time, when I get on that plane to go back to Texas, I won't be coming back. This is it. I don't know when the next time will be that I'll get to see any of the people that have become my best friends. It's so hard, but I know this is just part of life.

We went and visited Nick at rehab on our way out of Vermont this afternoon. He's in Brattleboro at a nice place and he looks amazing. I've never seem him look this good, this healthy, even before the whole incident. I'm so happy that he's doing well. He's thinking of getting an apartment in town and just hunkering down there for a while. I think that would be great for him. The town was really cute, we went out to lunch at a little cafe and chatted and caught up. We walked for a bit, stopped at a little head shop, and then dropped him off as we got back on the road. He's going to come to graduation, which I'm really excited about.

Senior year has been amazing. I feel like I've gotten to such a good place in my life. Pretty late in the year, we started to meet some really amazing people. It sucks that our paths crossed at the end, not giving us much time. We've made the most of it, though.

I feel so lucky for everything that I've been given, the people I've met along the way, the experiences I've had, the mistakes I've made, and the person I've become. I can't believe college is over.

Best four years of my life.

he asks us what we have done for our souls lately.

2010-02-24T11:33:00.004-05:00

So here's a few little blurbs about what's new:

I've decided to become a zumba instructor. I'm getting certified in April. I'm pretty excited. Hoping to find some part time or full time work with this over the next year or so.

I will officially be living on South Padre again this summer, working at Sea Turtle Inc. Also very exciting. I love the work so much. In relation to the first blurb, I'm going to try to find a part time job teaching zumba classes somewhere in Brownsville in the evenings to make some extra cash.

I need to start being more responsible with my money. I can't keep up this pattern of spending whenever the hell I want to. I'm going to be on my own in a few months and I need to learn how to deal with that. Not very exciting, but necessary.

On that note, I really want to buy some new boots.

I've been doing extremely well in school thus far this semester. I've been keeping up with most of my readings, doing well on assignments, and I'm still in love with my music theory class. So much so that I haven't missed a single 9am class (and it meets every day of the week).

Life is still good. It amazes me every single day how balanced and organized and steady I have become. I'm proud of myself. I just need to find more time for guitar now.

i can honestly say..

2010-02-06T19:37:00.002-05:00

...that for the first time in forever, I am truly happy. I am happy with myself, I am happy with my life, and I am grateful for the people in it.

when it comes, it comes unannounced and it feels like a matador is taunting me with his reddest red cloak and i am the bull.

2010-01-31T10:24:00.004-05:00

I keep having this weird, recurring, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-esque dream where I'm in a mental hospital and the main nurse really hates me. Every time I have the dream (which has to be at least seven times by now) it's a different hospital and it's like I end up there again and the bitchy nurse is getting really annoyed with me. Last night, she wouldn't even allow me to eat. What a hoe. But then, in the end, I always end up escaping by flying away and she runs after me and tries to catch me but I'm always victorious. Except I did start to get attacked by a dog as I was flying around a neighborhood. Hmmmm.

Dreams are weird. Portal to your subconscious, our minds can come up with some pretty random shit.

Still sore from kickboxing on Friday but I'm going back for seconds tonight.

i truly admire and love this man.

2010-01-24T11:10:00.002-05:00

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard & you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. Amazing things will happen."

-Conan O'Brien

What a class act.

you should be daaaaaaancing, yeah!

2010-01-18T21:45:00.004-05:00

Phwew. So much has been going on. Been up at school for j-term, having a really good time. Taking a pilates class and a wellness class and have been going to the zumba classes. Needless to say I've been getting a lot of exercise and it feels great. Medina and I heard back about the Park Street apartment and were so excited to hear that we got it! We moved in this past Friday and it's really been coming together nicely. I absolutely love it. It's really nice to be able to be on my own eating schedule, especially. I want to get some recipes and try cooking new things now that I have a kitchen. The whole apartment is really cute. Kathy and Carlo came over for dinner tonight, Kathy's treat. She made spaghetti and I put together a simple salad. It was delicious.

I've also decided to do Sea Turtle Inc. again this summer. I figure I have a year off, I may as well at least start it off on the right foot and earn some money. Plus, Brooke and Mariana are coming back as well and they're always a pleasure to be around.

Life is just peachy. Really, I feel so amazingly content and happy and productive and well. My final semester of college starts on the 27th. It's surreal but I'm looking forward to all of these years of schooling finally coming to an end. At least temporarily.

If anyone is reading this, tell me something good. Something that is good in your life, something that makes you happy, something that you're proud of, whatever. Happiness is best when shared.

finding beauty in the dissonance.

2010-01-02T02:27:00.003-05:00

And thus begins 2010. Another year down. A decade ago, I spent my New Year's Eve at my old house with my eighth grade friends lighting potato chips on fire with sparklers (and eventually lighting my back lawn on fire, as well...). This New Year's Eve was spent with good friends fighting the cold and wind underneath the carport of the house that we have now been living in for almost eight years. I leave back for school on Sunday and the fact that the next time I return I will be a college graduate really weirds me out. People keep asking me what comes next and I respond honestly: "I have no idea." It's nice. A bit frightening, but exciting. Who knows what else lays ahead. For the past 22 years I've always had a plan for what's next, albeit very loose plans. This time, I really don't know what's next. Only time will tell.

I haven't worked out in almost three weeks and I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym. I bought a new pair of running shoes over break so I'm hoping that it helps the knee problems that were starting to kick in before break. I'm glad I'm not staying in Texas for all of January. I just generally get sidetracked, bored, and I stray from productive things when I'm here. It will be a challenge to keep myself productive and healthy when I move back in May, especially as far as working out/eating well goes. It's just so hard when there is a fridge full of homemade chili or pasta, ya know? It will be nice to be able to swim, though!

Well, happy new year to everybody that is reading this. I hope 2010 brings you happiness, prosperity, laughter, and growth. I'm dedicating this year to myself, focusing on what I need to do to better myself, to feel proud of all of my decisions and actions, and finding peace and acceptance within.

i met you at the bloodbank.

2009-12-20T02:51:00.003-05:00

It feels so great to be home again. My home is beautiful. My family is amazing. I'm realizing a lot of things. I can't do what everyone wants me to do anymore. I have to make choices based on what I want. Life is too short. I've grown up. I've changed. I am a young adult that needs to do what's good for her (and my concept of what's good for me has peaked in the past fix or six months). I'm really lucky to have a brother like I do. We had great conversations tonight. Family is so important. And everything works out in the end if you make it. It's a choice, an effort. Make your life what you want it to be. The possibilities are endless. Think about something you don't like about your life. Now go and change it, transform it into something you can be happy with. Something you can be proud of. It's in your power, you decide what your life will be. And I'm finally getting a clear, healthy view of what I want my life to be, who I want to be.

I am exhausted. A long day of traveling and multiple almost-sleepless nights in a row has left my brain a little scattered. I'm excited to wake up tomorrow, home.

so what if i'm a day late?

2009-11-27T13:00:00.002-05:00

Things I am thankful for:

- parents

- brother

- friends

- music

- my guitar

- education

- laughter

- life

Thanksgiving was good. Crystal had a little get together at her apartment in Northampton so we went and drank red wine and ate delicious butternut squash soup. I'm still on campus, ended up not going to NY. Been feeling a bit under the weather so I thought it best I just stick around and rest up. I rearranged my room, I've been watching lots of internet TV, playing a ton of guitar, and enjoying chain smoking sessions with Medina. Heading back to Texas in three weeks. Can't believe how fast the semester flew by (I say that constantly, the concept of time is mind boggling to me!). Looking forward to home, music, birthdays, doggies, and mommy daughter shopping. K, off for some guitar and some Big Love.

look out, the world's destroying ya. relax, it isn't far.

2009-11-05T21:13:00.003-05:00

The past month has been really amazing. I've been significantly happier, none of the ups and downs I've grown somewhat used to. I've been eating well and drinking less and working out and getting my life together. I ran five miles today. I was extremely proud of myself. It's the most I've ever run in my entire life. I've been drinking a ton of seltzer. And watching a ton of Conan O'Brien and falling in love with him even more, haha. Been experimenting more with guitar, writing more stuff, playin' around. It's fun. Hoping to get more time to jam with Katy. The other day we were sitting on the porch at Joslyn's house and she told me that I inspired her so much and I was extremely flattered. I don't think anyone has ever really told me that. I'm listening to Built to Spill right now. They're really fucking good, I'm not sure why I haven't listened to them before. I know it's only 9pm but I think I'm going to crawl into bed and watch last night's episode of Conan and doze off.

My thoughts are all over the place tonight.

"i cried when i had no shoes, until i met a man who had no feet. then i laughed... really hard."

2009-10-18T22:04:00.004-04:00

I had some weekend. Mostly just Friday. After some convincing I was dragged to a Vegas Night party mostly sober, was surrounded by wasted girls, got ditched by my friend who threw a drink on her ex, ate a weed brownie, then had to walk back from Silver Street alone at 1am, which resulted in a huge blister on my heel. I was pissed as hell by the end of the night for a number of reasons, but whatevzzzzzzzzz. Over it. Spent my Saturday night stoned as hell. Went for an adventure to Amherst and saw multiple drunk assholes tackling each other on the sidewalk. Overall, it was a decent weekend.

I've been doing the whole gym thing for a little over two weeks now and I feel great. Definitely more in touch with my body and how I feel physically. Mentally I feel good, too. Bam. I'm really starting to like my hair a lot now. It's pretty sweet. I've been doing a lot of thrifting lately. Got an AMAZING fur coat for twelve dollars. I don't care how ridiculous I look, I'm wearing it all winter. It is warm as fuck. I also got a neat lampshade and a guitar case that my fucking guitar doesn't even fit in. Bummer. It was really badass, too. I feel happy. Content. And it's been constant for the past few weeks. None of that up and down shit. Feeling more comfortable expressing myself. Planning for the future. Keeping up with the present. Learning from the past. Anticipating what lies ahead. Discussing possibly getting an apartment with the brother dude. Contemplating moving to California/Alaska. Driving cross country is still a possibility. Sea Turtle Inc. this summer again maybe. Working on my resume, working on my future, working on my life. And of course, using fewer complete sentences...

Strangers with Candy calls.

lord i was born a ramblin' man.

2009-10-07T15:39:00.004-04:00

I wish people wouldn't get so wrapped up in things. I just want to say "hey, it's okay. it's going to be okay. Relax." So I do. And no one listens. Things are funny. I'm enjoying being alive. It's been absolutely beautiful up here in the Pioneer Valley. I learned a funny story the other week. Jeffrey Amherst, the man that the town and college are named after, was actually a total douche bag. A seemingly kind gesture: he gave the Native Americans blankets. Nice guy, right? Wrong. He purposefully gave them blankets infested with smallpox. And he was honored by having a town and Ivy league school named after him. I guess it only seems appropriate when I look at all the people that go to Amherst. Crude generalization, yes. But I have yet to really been proven wrong.

I've been sick the past few days. It sucks. Being sick usual does.

Mid-semester break starts Friday. I'm not going to do shit with myself. Just going to enjoy the free time and the weather. Saturday I'll be going to Boston for Hannah's Edith Piaf themed birthday party. I have no fucking idea what to wear.

My life has been guitar guitar guitar homework cigarettes gym guitar sleep gym class labs. Happiness, essentially. I feel freer than I have in a while and it is a beautiful thing. I don't feel tied down to too much and the responsibilities that I do have I thoroughly enjoy. Doing well in school, keeping up with work, trudging my way through senior year. I still can't believe it.

I want to start writing more often. Less inhibited, less censored. I'm working my way towards baring my soul to the world. And doing it without the search for acceptance is a lovely thing. Here I am. This is me. Take it or leave it, no skin off my back.

I type really fucking fast. It's ridiculous.

the times, they are a'changing.

2009-09-29T00:21:00.004-04:00

That they are, Bobby. That they are.

The school year started off rough but things have been on an upward slope. Reflection is key. Guitar playing is my escape from the world. Opening up to people has been amazing. Stronger friendships, stronger passions, stronger Nina. Making senior year count. Focusing on myself. It's time to get selfish. My dorm room is cozy but smells like feet. My feet. I don't particularly mind, though. Showers are getting less frequent. Eating more vegetables, fewer processed foods. Still need to get my ass to the gym. Bought a bike. It's a classic. Trying new things, new foods, new friendships, new resolutions, new approaches to life. No more shitty, watery beer. No more booze in excessive amounts. Clear mind, healthy body, happiness. Goals have been set. Homework has been done. Fingers have been calloused to the point of no return.

It's your life. You only get one shot at this thing. Reach out and grab it. Mold it, decorate it, make it yours. Sometimes it will get chipped, cracked, or completely smashed but you just pick up the pieces and start over and learn to be more careful with something so delicate. Sometimes it needs more than some gum and a safety pin to put it back together, though.

Do what's right. Do what makes you happy. Hopefully they coincide but if not, take a chance. Weigh your options.

After graduation, I will either a) move to Alaska b) drive cross country aimlessly (company will be welcome) or c) go live in Europe somewhere. I can tell you that I will NOT be doing d) complying with my parents wishes to continue with my education. I need to let loose. No school, no constants, just new people, places, experiences, adventures. I will become a vagabond of sorts. On the road to somewhere, going nowhere. Temporary hiatus from so called "real life". What is life even about anyways? Money? Power? I really hope not. In fact, I know it's not. So why are so many people convinced that gaining both is equivalent to success? Maybe I'll figure things out along the way. I'm on the verge of something. I can feel an energy building inside of me, itching to break free from everything I know.

Change is my God. What is yours?

it's so much better when everyone is in. are you in?

2009-08-21T03:00:00.004-04:00

Life is so full of beauty everywhere. It's really been apparent to me lately. The new people I've met, the old friends I've caught up with, the music everywhere. The sunlight and the laughter and the grass and listening to Incubus while laying on wood floors in an empty living room. The Incubus concert was unbelievable. They are even more so my favorite band now. The concert was amazing. I can't stop talking about it. I hung out with Josh for the majority of it. We pushed our way into the middle of the crowd, dead center in front of the stage. It was hotter than hell and everyone was pushing and jumping and screaming. I was drenched in sweat and thought I was going to vomit from the heat but I stayed there the entire concert and I just pushed and jumped and screamed with the 4400 other people around me. I already can't wait to see them again.

I want to practice guitar more and get a clearer view of things. It's time for me to grow up on move on from old habits. I have a hard time doing it, though. It's just going to take work and effort and time but I feel myself moving in a good direction. I'm actually very much looking forward to getting back to school and finishing up my college career and starting to work out again and jamming with Katy and helping establish the Golden God Art Collective with my brilliant, motivated, creative, beautiful friends.

We're all on the verge of something big. It's time for a breakthrough.

you may have bent me, but you cannot break me.

2009-08-03T15:29:00.004-04:00

There are less than two weeks remaining in my internship. This has been quite a summer. I feel incredibly lucky to have taken part in some of the things that I've been able to. I feel that my work has actually made a difference in the world, in the lives of the turtles, and in my life. This wasn't the easiest summer, I struggled with relationships, insane bouts of boredom in my days off, and hard work. But I can easily say that this was the most satisfying summer I've ever had. I earned money, did exceptional work, met new people, and pushed my own boundaries. And most importantly, I didn't give up, even when things got hard. I'm proud of myself for the work that I've done and the knowledge that I've gained. I'm grateful for this experience and I feel honored to have taken part in such an amazing organization full of wonderful people.

On another note, we released Jenny, the loggerhead this afternoon. It was a little sad but mostly I just felt happy for her that she was going back to her home. We watched her quickly make her way past the breaking waves and I was kind of overcome with emotions. This was an excellent way to see the summer winding down.

I probably won't get around to posting again until after I'm back home so I'll catch you guys later.

"now give us back our baby so we can paint it."

2009-07-15T09:55:00.002-04:00

I'm lying in the hotel bed watching Good Morning America. My mom is leaving town today. It's been a nice visit. Last night we barbecued with Terry and Linda, the older couple that has the trailer next to mine. It was fun and the food was delicious.

A loggerhead sea turtle had come in on Monday after being found floating around by the jetties. It had been hit by a boat probably three or four days earlier. The propeller had hit the turtle's head and carapace. It was pretty bad but were were feeling hopeful about it's recovery. Unfortunately, yesterday afternoon as we were closing up, we noticed the turtle had died. We wanted to figure out the cause of death was so we ended up doing a necropsy. It was the first time I'd done anything like that. I never even dissected a full animal in high school or anything. So we cut open part of the plastron and cut the skin around the flippers. We removed the plastron entirely and got to see all of the bloody insides. It was really, really cool. We found that the intestines had been perforated by a fish bone, which was more than likely the cause of all the turtle's problems. The perforations probably caused septisemia which made the turtle feel weak and lethargic. That in turn probably made the turtle float at the top of the water and then got hit by the boat. Poor turtle. It was really sad that it died but I am grateful that I got to see the necropsy and also I'm glad the turtle stopped suffering. It was obviously really uncomfortable and in a lot of pain.

My birthday is in six days and the intern party is coming up, too. We also have some intern activities that we're going to do, which includes sandcastle building lessons, Schlitterbahn, and other fun things. I still can't believe the summer is coming to a close. I'm going to miss having the beach in my backyard.

hey babe, take a walk on the wild side.

2009-07-13T12:26:00.006-04:00

Jeez, I can't believe how fast time is going by. I know I say that a lot, but seriously! It's already mid-July. I'm turning 21 in eight days. My summer at Sea Turtle Inc. will be over in a month. Then it'll be back to school for my last year of college. Wow. This summer has been great. I really fucking love my job. I can see myself doing stuff like this for the rest of my life. It's really amazing and for the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm doing something, making an impact. It's inspired me to go to vet school, also. I want to specialize in exotic animals and maybe get a job at a zoo, aquarium, or wildlife refuge. Who knows. We'll see what happens.

This summer has been a big learning experience in so many ways. Myrna and I are essentially the outcasts of the interns. Everyone is coupled up with their boyfriends/girlfriends and never invite us anywhere. Apparently people have been talking shit, too. That's fine with me normally, if someone doesn't like me then okay, whatever. You win some you lose some. But I keep hearing that people are criticizing my work performance and it really pisses me off. I get this feeling that they think I'm less qualified because I drink and smoke. Fuck that. We got hired for the same job, did we not? I work just as hard as you and do just as well, so shut the hell up. Phwew. Okay, just had to get that out there. But I talked to Jeff about it and I'm all squared away with him so that's all that I care about.

On the fourth of July, we were at work and someone called in an injured turtle that they had seen floating in the bay. Mary was the only full time staff member working that day so she sent Myrna, an older woman volunteer, and I to go meet the people at a dock in Port Isabel and picked up the turtle. It was pretty nasty looking. It had been hit by a boat and the propeller did a number on it's shell. She's doing a lot better now. The Gladys Porter Zoo veterinarians put screws into her shell and then wired it shut to close the wound. Lucy (that's what the people who found her named her) will be on antibiotics for about 90 days and we're using Chlorohexadine to Silvadene ointment to keep the wound clean and help it heal.

It's been a slow summer as far as nesting turtles go. We've only got 40 nests and we were expecting somewhere around 70. I doubt I'll find anything this summer but it's okay. It's still be a really rewarding summer. I just still can't believe I'm getting paid for this!

Our most recent nesting turtle on July 4th.

Mariana and I at a hatchling release

Go little baby!

I'll try to post more often, guys. It's hard with no internet.

our love is all we have.

2009-06-15T00:50:00.003-04:00

Jeez, what to even say about the start of my summer... it's been unbelievable. Right off the bat I met Myrna who has quickly become a very close friend. My roommate is great, all the interns are great, my boss is great, the turtles are amazing. I still can't believe I'm getting paid to do what I do. Days at the facilities vary from day to day. We've been pretty busy most mornings and the afternoons slow down and we fill the time with lots of chatting, folding shirts and restocking gift shop items, and sitting on the railings. Patrol days are nice and give me time alone with my thoughts. We drive 32 miles down the beach on ATVs then 32 back. It takes six or seven hours and my thumb is usually killing me from holding down the gas for so long but I listen to my iPod and belt out songs on the deserted beach as I drive and it helps to pass the time. When I got to the jetties on my last patrol, I sat for a while and saw a lot of juvenile Green sea turtles in the water swiming around. I also saw two dolphins, which was incredibly exciting for me.

About two weeks ago Myrna and I were sent down to Rancho Nuevo, Mexico. It's the largest nesting ground for Kemp's Ridley sea turtles in the entire world. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We met so many amazing people, I was totally immersed in Mexican culture, and we were so fucking lucky and we got to see not one but TWO arribadas. For those that don't know, an arribada is a mass nesting of turtles. In the 40s there was an arribada of some 40,000 turtles at Rancho Nuevo. Our arribadas weren't nearly as big - Saturday we had 200 and Sunday we had 500. It was still a great experience. Lots of work and long hours in the sun but worth every minute. I'm just going to end it here because I can't even formulate the words to describe how much of an impact this trip had on me in multiple areas of my life. I picked up a ton of Spanish, tried new things, and broke down some barriers.

Our first nests hatched this past Saturday and luckily my dad and my brother were in town and got to see it. It was pretty cool, although I must admit it was a little anticlimactic for me because we saw so many hatchlings/releases while in Mexico.

Well, I wish I could even gather my thoughts enough to write all the little details that have made the past weeks so good. I need to update more often to avoid those moments just getting lost in my memory. The internet has been down at the facilities the past few days so it's been hard to get online. Right now I'm in Matamoros with Myrna at her house for the night and she has wireless so I'm trying to catch up on everything. We went out and had some authentic mexican tacos and a few beers at this little restaurant. She gave me a brief tour in the car and I must say, I really like the city. Now we're popping in Wizard of Oz and will probably sleep soon. This is bliss. And to make things even better, I get PAID tomorrow!

life is wonderful.

2009-05-26T15:49:00.003-04:00

So I have been in South Padre since Friday. The drive down was long and it was good to finally arrive. I started training on Saturday and we went out on the ATVs for a bit, which was fun. Sunday was my first actual day of work and it went okay. I'm learning everything little by little. I had Monday off and slept 'till about 1pm. Then Abe and I headed to the beach for about half an hour. Not even two minutes after we had come back, he shows up at my trailer to tell me there is a nesting turtle over by this hotel just down the beach. So we book it down there, I don't even bother to change out of my bikini or put clothes on. So when we arrived, I got to experience my first nesting turtle. It was mega exciting. I got my picture taken with it just to be corny. Afterwards, we ended up having to go respond to yet another nesting sea turtle. So then I got to see ANOTHER one. This one I got to actually touch and hold on to while Adrienne and Abe did tagging and measuring and what not. Then Jeff and I found another nest. All in all we found four nests yesterday and it was a really great day off.

I've been at the hospital all day just cleaning tanks and sitting around. I have my first patrol tomorrow which I'm excited about. Seven hours of riding an ATV up and down the beach is going to be extremely tiring, though. I'm going to be slathering on the sunscreen.

So far I've been having a fantastic time. I like all the fellow interns and I'm really enjoying having the beach right in my backyard. My trailer isn't the nicest of homes, but it'll do. And I have plenty of extra space for visitors (2 extra beds plus a pull out couch) so come visit.

midnight on the beach in the mediterranean and i miss you, even here taking it all in.

2009-05-09T00:52:00.003-04:00

I was just outside having a cigarette. It was drizzling outside and the raindrops felt amazing on my skin. The night was so quiet and as I puffed away, I just remembered how amazingly beautiful the world is. I had to share the moment with someone so I texted Justin. I figured he'd appreciate what I was saying.

I am feeling really good in my life. More honesty. More openness. More vulnerability. It's nice. I need to get back into my gym routine. It's been an off week.

My room is so bare. I took down all my posters in preparation for shipping back home. My shelves are slowly emptying as I pack things away. Organizing between what's staying here in storage, what's being shipped in boxes, and what is coming on the plane with me. My life has been so mobile the past few years. Moving in and out of places every six months or so isn't fun, necessarily. In fact, it's quite a pain in the ass. But it's still a nice feeling, getting ready to go back to a place that you love to see people you love.

We were all talking about how crazy time is. This time last year I was mentally preparing myself to head to Australia after what would turn out to be one of the best summers of my life. Hannah was planning her wedding. So weird. Time is one of those silent thieves, stealing the years out from under our noses. But through our losses of days and months and years, we gain so much.

To wrap this up, I guess I'll just state that I am going to (hopefully) see Incubus in concert on August 19th in Austin with Compton. I'm asking for two tickets for my birthday and my mom has already told me that she'd give me the money for 'em. I just have to keep my fingers crossed that I can actually get the tickets. They go on sale on the 16th and I'm going to buy them ASAP. I'm very much looking forward to that. I may eat mushrooms, but I'm undecided for a number of reasons. First of all, I've never been in a situation like that under the influence of psychedelic drugs. Second of all, if I have a bad trip, I will have nowhere to escape to besides to just leave and I don't want to ruin the entire concert by freaking out. On the other hand, should everything go according to plan, it would be an amazing experience. Who knows.

I will be home in four days.

you shock my soul.

2009-05-08T22:14:00.002-04:00

Finals start for me tomorrow. I've been slacking for the past two weeks because I've had nothing to do and unfortunately, my mind has turned off and is in summer mode. I have to wake it up for the next two days. I have film studies tomorrow, then cell bio on Friday. Then I'm free. Lee is hopefully going to come up and visit between when I'm done with finals and when I head home on Wednesday, but we'll see if it actually happens.

I'm excited for the summer but I'm going to miss my friends desperately. Especially because some of them are graduating. I can't believe this time next year I will be the one graduating. Holy shit.

before you swim you've gotta be okay to sink.

2009-04-29T22:58:00.003-04:00

Things have been really good lately. I'm officially done with work until finals. I just have to force myself to keep (start?) going to class. I got some really awesome pants yesterday. Dropped acid randomly on Friday. Getting excited about this summer. Lost about six pounds and getting in better shape. One downside is that I've started to bite my nails again.

I feel relaxed for the first time in a while.

drunken babble.

2009-04-24T01:20:00.003-04:00

Pictures are so weird. Or maybe I'm just stoned. It's so strange to go through old pictures, whether they be from a year ago or a week ago. It's just... a moment captured in time. And as I look through them, I remember that exact moment, how I felt, what was happening, the story behind it. And as I look through pictures, all of these old memories come rushing back to me and it's almost overwhelming. It makes me realize how many good times I've had with friends, how much I appreciate everything that I have experienced, and it reminds me of the people that have helped me to become who I am now. Good and bad, both make me feel teary eyed.

I am an incredibly lucky human being.

flea market finds:

2009-04-19T20:35:00.005-04:00

These are some of the random things I acquired this morning at the opening day of the Hollis, New Hampshire flea markets.

Some nice jars for putting shit in. Free.

A fantastic assortment of records. From left to right: The Eagles, Patsy Cline, The Steve Miller Band, The Bee Gees, Billie Holiday, The B-52's, and Madonna. $1 each (Madonna was $2).

An antique globe. $4.

Sweet new shades. $5.

Today was a good day with lovely weather. It almost made up for last night. Almost.

we go blind when we needed to see.

2009-04-14T22:48:00.001-04:00

My head is killing me. I've had a headache for the past few hours and it doesn't seem to be letting up, even with some Advil. Bummer.

I'm starting to get really excited about the summer. I've been e-mailing with my boss, finalizing plans and what not. I'm going to get to South Padre around May 20th. I'll be sharing a mobile home with one other intern and we each get our own rooms which is nice. I'll have my training for the first week down there and then we're immediately heading down to Mexico. I don't know how long we'll be in Mexico for, but it's going to be brilliant. Man, I'm lucky.

Okay, I'm going to watch a movie and hit the hay now.

shimmy shimmy ya, shimmy yam, shimmy ya.

2009-04-10T15:46:00.003-04:00

I'm using this weekend to get my health, my schoolwork, and my life in order. I'm avoiding my room so I'm not tempted to nap. Currently I'm in the MEWS with Arielle in one of the collaborative rooms. I have a list of things I want to get done today. Abnormal psychology essay (which was due Tuesday), my cell bio labs (which were due last week, the week before, and the week before that), and aside from that I want to do laundry and get my room cleaned. I think I did surprisingly well on my cell bio test this morning. Sonya and I studied until past 2am last night and we woke up, had breakfast together, and studied for about an hour this morning. I'm thoroughly exhausted, considering I didn't fall asleep until 5am, but I'm determined to push through and just go to bed at a decent hour this morning. I plan on being in the library until around 9pm, then I'll head back and do laundry, shower, and clean. Katy gets off work at around 11pm, I may pick her up and then we'll come back and jam for a while before retiring. I'm looking forward to not drinking this weekend.

I'm also doing a sort of cleanse. I'm fairly certain that part of the reason I've been feeling so run down is because I've been eating so much crap. For the next week I'm going to eat mostly raw, unprocessed foods - essentially a ton of fruits and veggies. I need to start going to the gym again, as well. There's a lot in my life I need to change but I just need to stay focused on what I really want and what is best for me. And just make it through the rest of the semester alive.

This was a relatively boring post for anyone reading, I'm sure. Oh well. Deal with it.

God, I'll be home in a month. Time never ceases to amaze me. Now I'm off to get some work done and listen to Andrew Bird.

sick and tired.

2009-04-08T22:03:00.003-04:00

I'm falling so behind in school. I have not felt healthy in so long and the past two weeks have just been bad. I'm tired all the time and now I'm starting to feel achy and I've been getting night sweats and nausea. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm in tears right now. I just want to feel better. I want to not be so behind with all my work and I want to not sleep all day every day anymore. I don't see even see my friends really anymore. I just want to figure out what's wrong with me so I can fix it and be back to normal. I hate feeling stressed about school and I'm trying to keep up but my brain feels so clouded I just can't concentrate on anything. I need to get better. I need to keep up with my work or I'm just going to end up digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. I'm already stressed enough as is, that would be the last thing I need.

i wanna save you.

2009-04-02T02:10:00.002-04:00

I need to find myself again. Reading old blog entries makes me nostalgic. I miss the past, but there is a lot of exciting stuff awaiting me in the future.

you should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes, it brought me back to life.

2009-03-22T19:26:00.006-04:00

Wow. This spring break was, hands down, the best spring break ever. It was really just unbelievable.

The drive down wasn't too terrible. We drove for 22 hours straight. It was really neat because the entire drive essentially was overcast but the minute we crossed the Florida state line the sun came out. We stopped in Fort Lauderdale for the night and stayed with Christina's friend, Tyrone. The next morning we got up and headed an hour and a half south down to Key Largo. We checked into our campsite (which was fondly nicknamed 'the cabbage patch'), got our buoyancy compensators and regulators, and proceeded to headed directly to the pool to swim and tan. It was so fantastic.

Our first day of diving was Monday morning. The 6am wake up call was pretty brutal, but the prospect of diving in the ocean for the first time made it a little more bearable. We had breakfast and then headed to the dive shop. All of this became such a routine for us over the course of the week. Wake up early as hell, grab a bite to eat, go to the shop, check the tanks, put together our scuba units, enjoy the boat ride out to whichever site was planned for the day, suit up in our wetsuits, wiggle into the unit, and giant stride off the back of the boat and go diving for an hour or so. Then, we'd come back on the boat, switch tanks, and do it again. When the second dive was done, we'd break down the units, get halfway out of our wetsuits, and would sit up on the sun deck and smoke cigarettes on the ride back to the dock. Then, finishing our diving for the day around 1pm usually, we'd spend the rest of the afternoon drinking beer, smoking, tanning, and enjoying all that our quaint little campsite and our new friends had to offer.

I had forgotten how much I love to camp, as well. It was so nice to be out there in the mangrove wilderness, half naked (spending the majority of my time in my bathing suit), being unshowered and relatively apathetic about it. It was so relaxing not having to worry about anything. The area was so nice, too. Minus the racoons that tormented us basically every night of the week. The first night at the campsite, I woke up at 4:30am to the sound of plastic bags rustling. I look up and see an effing racoon with its body halfway through a hole that it had clawed in the mesh window of the tent, its little paw wrapped around a bag of hot dog buns, attempting to pull it out of the tent. It was a little startling and I didn't know what to do so I just sort of laid there and watched it work for about half an hour. Probably not my best decision ever, but I was freaked, okay? Over the course of the week, the racoons also ate a can of baked beans and about 30 dollars worth of deli meat. Jerks.

The diving was amazing. It was a little scary for the first dive, especially because the seas were a bit choppy and the waves were kind of big. Nevertheless, we survived and had a great time. For the first three days we just did two shallow dives a day. This included sites like the Winch Hole on Molasses Reef, Snapper Ledge on French Reef, and the Benwood wreck. It was so amazing to be swimming along with fish and reef just surrounding you. The third day was definitely the most exciting as far as spotted fauna goes. Within the first five minutes of the dive, Jo and I had seen a sea turtle and a nurse shark. By the end of the dive, we had seen another sea turtle, a HUGE grouper, and a spotted eagle ray that had a 'wingspan' of atleast 11 feet. It was unbelievable. Thursday were our night time dives, which were kind of scary but we stuck relatively close to the boat. Friday was our deep dive, followed by a shallow dive. The deep dive was mildly horrifying. The current was strong that day and as we were going down the line 80 feet below the surface to the wreck, we were waving like flags in the wind. Not to mention the fire coral growing on the line and the bubbles from everyone's breathing that were completely overtaking my field of vision. We were supposed to have about 15 minutes to spend on the wreck but we only spent about 3 minutes down there because one of the girls in my group started to have ear problems and we ended up surfacing because of it. I was a little bummed but definitely glad to get back on the boat. The entire dive was just incredibly stressful.

So I know this is getting lengthy, but I feel like there is just so much I could say about this trip. It was enlightening. It was invigorating. I feel like it brought me back to life. I made some great new friends, grew to know and love the ladies I came with, and, once I pass my written exam, I will officially have an advanced scuba certification. Plus I got a good amount of sun. Not too shabby for nine days in March. I'm hoping to get some diving in when I'm living in SPI this summer. We'll see...

Here are a few photos from the trip:

Giant striding off the back of the boat.

Jo and I.

Thumbs up.

School of fish at Snapper Ledge

ready, set, go!

2009-03-13T19:51:00.002-04:00

I'm off to Key Largo. Wish me luck on the 30 hour drive.

feel the music change your mind.

2009-03-10T23:55:00.001-04:00

What a great day. I thought it was going to be terrible because I only got three hours of sleep last night & I had a hard time staying awake during my classes. Luckily, my film studies class let out a little bit early. I went and grabbed lunch with my fantastic, beautiful friends and afterwards I was planning on crashing out for a few hours. Arielle convinced me to go to the library to work on our psychology midterms, though. I actually made quite a bit of progress on it - I’m at about 4.5 pages out of 6. Not too shabby. I worked for about five hours, grabbed dinner, then went to the gym and repeated my run/swim routine. It felt good. Gabi bought me an italian soda at Raos on my walk back towards the dorms. I went over to Katy’s, smoked a bit, and we played an improvised, 2 player rendition of Apples to Apples, which resulted in us creating such phrases as “extreme Celine Dion”.

And here is the icing on the cake - I come back to my room about 10 minutes ago, check my e-mail, only to find that I officially have been offered the sea turtle internship! I’m so, so, so excited. I really can’t stress that enough. I’m going to be spending my summer living on South Padre, which is an awesome place with nice beaches/surfing/sun, saving sea turtles & getting paid to do it.

I also checked my mail today and found that I have received my first set of personal checks ever! I feel like such an adult. I know, I know. I'm a little behind everyone else probably. That's okay. I still feel cool. I can't wait to write one.

Side note: I now have a Tumblr account. Find me here.

Life is good.

as your ghost takes flight.

2009-03-08T20:50:00.004-04:00

I keep having dreams about him & it's really starting to annoy me.

I'm not even going to start about that, though. Here are some things that have been going on in my life as of late:

+ heard back from Sea Turtle Inc. & I am one of five final applicants competing for three internship positions. Wish me luck.
+ been working out pretty much every day and it feels great.
- hip flexor keeps getting aggravated.
+ heading to sunny Key Largo, FL in less than a week and I can't wait.
+ finally doing laundry.
+ spring is here (?). I don't want to jinx this...
- been feeling slightly empty.
- way too much homework.
+ still truckin'.

and she says "i like long walks and sci-fi movies".

2009-03-02T22:31:00.004-05:00

At this moment, I am finding just about anything to do that isn't my psychology essay (which is due at 8:35am tomorrow morning). I'm so tired of school. Burnt out.

break out the winter clothes & find a love to call your own.

2009-02-24T00:24:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting in bed in my underwear listen to John Mayer's "Room for Squares" album and it's bringing me back hardcore. High school, Matt, making mistakes, growing up. It's a weird feeling. I've come so far and I'm feeling ready to go farther. I had a really good conversation with my friends tonight and Katy mentioned that she wanted to have a clearer focus in her life. She basically took the words right out of my mouth. I have been feeling this way for so long. I'm really ready for a change and I'm ready to work for it.

This might not make sense to anyone else, but that's okay.

i'm on the cross.

2009-02-22T14:34:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling relatively unhappy as of late. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just PMS, but even my period has been fucked up and off schedule. I feel like most of it is stemming from my body image. I don't know what my deal is. I'm just tired of being chubby, I suppose. All my friends are thin yet still complain about their weight so how am I supposed to feel?

Okay, I'll stop bitching and go to the gym now.

12:34 strikes again.

2009-02-15T23:15:00.004-05:00

I never post anymore. I should really change that but I feel like I never have time to sit down and update. Therefore when I do finally get around to it, the posts tend to be lengthy.

This weekend was pretty good. Thursday we went to the WMHC dance thing, which was okay. Friday was a pretty laid back evening spent in the suite making music with the gals. Saturday Roy and Andrew came in from Boston and Jason came from New Hampshire to see Katy. We bought a rather large bottle of tequila and went out dancing. I had a fantastic time. The boys were going to stay until Monday but ended up leaving this evening, which was fine with me because I desperately needed to do some homework and take a shower and have some alone time. Today was a really good day. We played some Guitar Hero, some Katamari (which I've decided is a fantastically brilliant yet mindless game), and just hung out. We watched this really amazing drumming/beat video called Pulse. It made me think of William. Maybe I'll buy it for him for his birthday, whenever that is. It had all these songs and dances from different places all over the world. It reminded me of why I love music so much. It's really a universal language. Quite a beautiful thing. It makes me proud to be a musician, even if I am fairly amateur.

I finally got the shower I desperately needed, did my online Cell Bio quiz, and now I'm curled up in bed with the computer on my lap. I'm working on a new song. It just came to me as I was walking into my room tonight. I like it so far. I'm feeling really good about my music. Everyone seems to be liking it and I've got Katy helping me out with viola/djembe/background vocals in a couple of songs, too. I'm really glad that I've been jamming as much as I have this semester.

I'm really actually feeling good about just about everything right now. I really can't think of a time before when I've been this happy in my own skin, my own life. It feels unbelievable. Every day I'm still just amazed at how much I changed from my time in Australia. I laugh louder, I put my heart into things more, and I feel more passionate about life. A girl couldn't ask for me.

And on that note, I'm going to retire to some Deer Tick, some Facebook, and some sleep.

what do you really want?

2009-02-07T11:12:00.004-05:00

DUDE. Seriously. I am so over all the bullshit.

So I received a message this morning from a friend back home which states that someone told her something I had said(which was very obviously just in an attempt to stir things up and create conflict). Granted, it was something that I had, indeed, said. But I was drunk at the time and, looking back from a sober viewpoint, I realized that I definitely did not feel the way that I had claimed to feel, accepted that, and moved on. MONTHS LATER, someone decided to voice this to said friend. And the web continues. I actually just realized that I don't even care to go into this in anymore detail. I just don't care, period. I'm pretty much done with a lot of people back home, I'm thinking. There's too much immature crap entangled in these relationships and I don't really wish to be a part of it. Dumb ass shit.

So anyways, school has been fantastic. I've been struggling a bit academically, but I'm sure once I get back into the swing of things I'll have an easier time. Scuba diving class has been a lot of fun. On Thursday, we learned how to build the scuba unit and then we got in the pool (only in the shallow end, though) and learned how to find a lost regulator and put it back in your mouth, and how to clear water out of our masks without surfacing. I'm also thinking of using the credit on my financial account and putting it towards a Key Largo scuba trip during Spring Break. We'd go down with a big group of students from UMass, camp out, have five days of diving (including normal dives, deep sea dives, and night time dives!), and I'd get my advanced scuba certification. Sounds bomb to me, yo. I'm still trying to convince the parents, though.

Last night we stayed in and hung out in the suite. I brought over my guitar and we played music and talked and laughed and it was a lot of fun. I broke down and smoked a couple of cigarettes and also pretty much pigged out when I got back to my room, but oh well. I'm ready to move on today. I want to go to the gym but I'm still feel a twinge hungover so that'll have to wait. We may be going to Vermont today to visit Ryan, but as of now I'm not sure where we stand with that whole situation.

OH. I almost forgot. Yesterday, Katy and I went to the gym and Chiara was there for a squash class. We went upstairs to use the cardio equipment. Half an hour later, this woman comes running upstairs yelling "IS ANYONE UP HERE NAMED KATY OR NINA?!" I had my headphones on so I didn't hear this, but I was relayed the information later. So I'm on the treadmill, totally oblivious, and I see Katy speedily going to grab her stuff and she's talking with the woman. I give her a strange look and she starts to tell me what the deal is. I take off my headphones and she says "Chiara got hurt, I have to drive her to the hospital". I jumped off the treadmill immediately and go with her. Turns out Chiara had dislocated her shoulder. So we drove her to the hospital and were there for about two hours. This awesome girl from Hampshire who volunteers there showed up with arts and crafts so we were thoroughly entertained while we were waiting, though.

And last, but not least, there are two new songs up on my Myspace, so go check them out here: www.myspace.com/ninacardenasmusic. Ciao!

tell me how come no one gets what they really want? we love only when it's convenient.

2009-02-04T22:34:00.004-05:00

I have a lot of reading to do and I'm wiped but here's a brief (and boring) list of what's been happening:

- I can't stop listening to the song "A Soft Hum" by As Tall As Lions. It's so good.
- My knee may or may not be fucked (again). But I went running today anyways. Ran 2.5 miles yesterday but only ran one today and walked for 25 minutes, as well.
- Quitting smoking. Wish me luck.
- Enjoying my classes and even am trying to keep up with the reading and homework.
- Went to bed at 9:30pm last night while trying to watch Caddyshack and slept until 10am today.
- Busy days = a happy Nina.
- I want to write more songs. Lee inspires me.
- Weekend, come faster plz.
- Life is just fucking amazing, in general.

That's pretty much the gist of it. Now I'm off to do reading about structural theory. Cool? Maybe, maybe not. I'll let you know.

you were so right when you said that i'd been drinking.

2009-02-01T21:32:00.005-05:00

So I've been back at school for about a week now. The first week was good. It was awesome to see everybody again. Classes started Thursday and I still have to work out a few kinks in my schedule but the semester seems like it will be a promising one. My classes are good, relationships are good, life is good. I'm not even letting the cold get to me as much.

Katy and I ventured to Boston this weekend. She went to meet up with Jason and I went to visit Lee. It was fantastic to see him again. Every time I hang out with him I'm just reminded how effing cool that kid is. I stole almost 6000 songs from him, which brings my library up to over 8000. Movin' on up, eh? The weekend really was awesome, though. Lee has wonderful roommates, we played music and drank copious amounts of alcohol, watched Boogie Nights, and Lee cooked me his delicious potatoes FOUR times in twenty four hours. I had a blast and am already thinking of going back sometime in the near future.

I wish I could write more details about everything that has been going on since I've been back in the Northeast but a) I have homework to do and b) I'm seriously exhausted and can't think well. I'll try to post more often. I swear.

twenty ways to see the world, twenty ways to start a fight.

2009-01-25T13:48:00.004-05:00

I can't believe I'm actually leaving town (again) tomorrow. This break has flown by and it's been great but I'm ready to get back to school. It's been some nine months or so since I've seen anyone from up there. The reunion shall be glorious.

The last twenty four hours were amazing and shitty. Shitty first, then amazing. My external hard drive (which contained countless movies, 10,000 songs, seasons 1-4 of Lost, seasons 1-3 of It's Always Sunny, all of Freaks and Geeks, etc) took a fall Friday night and unfortunately, died from it. The data recovery was going to be anywhere from $600 - $1600 (which, needless to say, is fucking ridiculous and way too expensive) so I purchased a replacement hard drive and am starting from scratch. The guy at Altex was so badass, though. He was like "Look, this thing is fucked. But what music did you have on it?" I told him I had a ton of shit - rap, indie, classic rock, trip-hop, and the like. So he told me to make a list of some stuff that I would want back and he's going to burn me a ton of music from his 700+ gig personal music collection. Awesome.

Last night the mustache party was a hit. Except most people didn't even show up in mustaches. No fun. Mine was pretty awesome, I looked like Yosemite Sam. We had a good crowd here, the boys played a set, I said my goodbyes to some people, and I made up with Alton. It's good to not be on bad terms anymore.

Today, my schedule will consist of:
- packing
- laundry
- rebuilding my music library
- anticipating my long awaited return to massivetwoshits.

smoke-free texas.

2009-01-23T14:17:00.004-05:00

I was driving home from a lunch date today and as I lit up my habitual post-meal cigarette, a commercial came on the radio about passing legislation to ban smoking. "Fight for everyone's right to breath clean air". Wait, what? What about my right to smoke? And besides that, breathing clean air is something that we don't have the luxury of anymore. If you really want to fight for clean air, how about you stop polluting it with your cars and factories. Cigarette smoke is the least of our worries.

And while I'm ranting, I'm going to move on to the fact that I'm going to have to quit smoking weed if I get my job at Sea World. That annoys me. I don't smoke a ton, but when I want to I want to be able to and not have to worry about my job being at risk. I am more than qualified for the job - I've interned at an aquarium before, I'm studying biology, I'm smart, and I'm hard working. The fact that I smoke weed doesn't change any of that. So why should my job be on the line because of it?

And why can't I wear my piercings at work? And why should I hide my tattoos? Are they offending you? Once again, why do the smallest features or characteristics of me determine how qualified or employable I am. I am who I am and I love my body art and I don't like feeling like it is going to be a deterrent in my employment.

Society is just bringing me down, man.

i wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?

2009-01-22T02:46:00.002-05:00

I'm anticipating the upcoming days to be quite hectic. In between now and Monday, I'll be going to Sea World to apply for a job, heading to Hondo to visit Mike, having lunch with Mrs. Hummel, hitting up Austin one last time, packing, cleaning, laundry-ing, planning, and getting as much quality time in with my friends and family as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to get one more book read in the next four days, as well. It's doubtful, but I'm going to aim high. I finished "Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates" today and it was very, very good. I liked it more than "Jitterbug Perfume" but less than "Another Roadside Attraction". I also wrote a new song today. I'm thinking that it will be titled "Lullaby", or something along those lines.

Anyways, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow so it's about time I hit the hay. Goodnight world.

turn up the signal, wipe out the noise.

2009-01-20T03:20:00.002-05:00

Phwew. It feels really good to get that off my chest.

It's funny, I wrote my last entry on Saturday and was planning on having a quiet night. Then, very spontaneously, we got a hold of some mushrooms. Justin, Ricky, Kim, Thomas, Kelsey, Brady, Paul, Ben, and I ate varying doses and had a damn good time. By 4am, the group had thinned to just Ben, Justin, Ricky, Thomas, and I. We ate a few oranges and talked until 5am, at which point I came inside to try to sleep, but was unsuccessful until 9am. It was a really good night and I'm glad that it was able to happen before I left for school (for which the countdown is up to six days now!). Speaking of that, I shipped all my stuff up today. It was kind of sad taking some of my posters down to send up there, but also exciting because I'll have a fresh, new room to decorate to my liking.

And now, I'm struggling to drift off to sleep yet again tonight. No matter how exhausted I am, I can't seem to sleep until 3am. I've got to get back on some sort of a schedule ASAP because waking up for classes is going to be mighty painful otherwise.

I'm calling SeaWorld tomorrow to see about getting some sort of badass job this summer. Fingers crossed.

find a brand new way of seeing, your eyes forever glued to mine.

2009-01-17T22:07:00.005-05:00

Staying in and having a quiet Saturday is proving to be a good idea. I've been in my pajamas all day, packing up some boxes and cleaning out my drawers, listening to my iTunes on shuffle and realizing how much good music I have in my library that does not get listened to enough. The past two days have been chock full of Slain Monarch shows, with Thursday up in Austin and last night at the Warhol. Regardless, I never get tired of hearing their music. For anyone who doesn't know already, the link to their myspace is www.myspace.com/slainmonarch. Which actually reminds me, I made a music Myspace for my stuff, as well. The link is: www.myspace.com/ninacardenasmusic. Anybody reading this should definitely check out both pages for some nice tunes.

My stomach is slightly upset. I attribute that to the consumption of beer last night, plus the Mama Margie's afterward. Ugh, I feel like all I do is eat. I can't wait to get back to school and get back on some sort of a schedule.(and also have access to a gym!). The lack of any structure in my life is driving me nuts. Nine days. Well, eight if you don't count the rest of the evening. Which I won't for all intents and purposes.

My bed is looking mighty enticing so I think I'll go crawl in and try to get a good chunk of "Fierce Invalids from Hot Climates" read.

pot kettle pot kettle black. talk that talk that smack.

2009-01-14T12:51:00.003-05:00

Despite all the bullshit that has been going on, I am actually surprisingly happy. I know that I have amazing friends that treat me well and I have a fantastic brother.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Very relaxed. I spent my afternoon doing a total clean of my room. We organized my desk, my bookshelf, swept up SO much dirt from the floors (which I'm attributing my sickness to partially), changed my sheets and cleaned the windows. It felt so good to have my room be so spotless.

After dinner, Kim came over to hang out and I wrote a new song. We headed to Ampus temporarily but it was fucking cold so we ended up going to Jim's with Justin and Ricky. Justin bought me a delicious cup of Jim's coffee. Then, after running some quick errands, he dropped me off at my place and I went to sleep shortly thereafter.

Today I would like to run some errands of my own. I need to go to HEB to use the CoinStar machine and I need to buy boxes so I can start thinking about shipping some stuff up to school. Speaking of which, I am absolutely excited to get back up there and see all my lovely friends again.

i'm alive but i feel mostly dead.

2009-01-13T00:17:00.002-05:00

Something isn't right. I've been trying to keep everything bottled up and in the far reaches of my mind/memory in the hopes that it will all just disappear but instead, everything just blew up in my face. I've pushed away some of the people that care about me the most. I'm alone. I feel completely alone.

When I got on that plane and left Australia, something died inside of me. The flame that burned and kept me going was blown out. I'm just a zombie now. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. Social interactions? No thanks. I feel like I'm just spiraling down, down, down. I've lost sight of everything that I care about and I just feel apathetic about everything. Mostly I just want to sleep. All the time. Maybe that's what I'll do until I get back up to school. Maybe the change of scenery will be good for me. Maybe not. I'll guess I'll just have to wait and see. Until then, I'll probably just be catching an excessive amounts of zzz's...

i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

2009-01-08T14:56:00.004-05:00

The days are ticking down until I head back up to Massachusetts. This break has flown by just as fast as the five months in Australia did. Sometimes I just want to take a step back and breathe, but of course, life doesn't always permit that. Because I'm leaving again in 18 days, I have to start thinking about packing and shipping stuff up there and all that nonsense. It's such a hassle, I wish I could pay someone to do it for me. I am, however, really looking forward to seeing everyone up in the Northeast again.

I also went to the doctor the other day to have my knee checked out. I've got to get an MRI to figure out exactly what the problem is, but the doc thinks it's more than likely my meniscus. Hopefully no surgery or anything drastic will be needed. Keep your fingers crossed.

My brother, Deena, and I had a fun experience the other night. We ended up sitting on my deck, wrapped in blankets, playing music and talking and chain smoking. I had a really good time. It's always nice to be reminded how great the world can be and how much I appreciate the people in it.

I wrote another song last night. Maybe at some point I'll get some recordings or videos put together and post them here. I'm thinking of making a Myspace, as well. Hmm.

will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged.

2009-01-04T15:35:00.003-05:00

Fuck. Why is it that I can make so much progress in pushing him to the back of my mind but in an instant it can all come rushing back? Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. I don't know why I let it get to me because I know it doesn't matter to him. Nothing that happened does apparently. I just don't get it. I don't get why he said the things he said and then why he just stopped being in touch. It hurts and I don't want it to anymore. I'm tired of it. And it's not worth it. And fuck him. You know what, fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve this. His loss. Right?

Either way, I just want his ghost to disappear so I can move on.

i might and you might, but neither of us do.

2009-01-01T19:39:00.005-05:00

Phwew. So here we are in 2009. Last night was a success, I'd say. There was a good group of people there, including a lot of people that I hadn't seen in ages. I drank a little too much red wine... well, maybe WAY too much red wine, and I'm paying for it today. I'm ready to start this year with a clean slate and am definitely through with drinking for the most part.

You know, it's strange. I can't even remember last new years really. It seems so long ago. I suppose it was, I mean a year is a considerable amount of time. But for as long as it is, it sure seems to fly by damn fast. 2008 was quite a year. I think I really started to figure out who I am, what I'm about, and what I truly want and need in my life. I fell in love. I went to Australia and found out I had more independence that I had ever thought. I met so many awesome people and really started to immerse myself in music (thanks largely to the influences of my brother and friends). I changed immensely and learned that I have to stick up for myself, even when it breaks my heart. I learned that you really can't judge a book by it's cover and became best friends with people I didn't really see myself ever becoming close with. I gained more confidence and security in myself. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone so many times and benefited so much from it. I got pierced and tattooed more than I probably should have. I jumped out of an airplane 14,000 feet in the air. I drummed until I blistered. I found myself in places I never thought to look. There were good times and bad times. Tears were shed and I laughed until my abs hurt and I couldn't breath.

2008 was, without a doubt, a landmark year for me. And now the transition into 2009 somewhat represents the transition that is to come in my life. I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel like I finally have all the tools to mold my life into everything I've wanted and I'm ready to seize opportunities that arise and work for my goals. I'm so excited to see where this next year takes me.

the trouble is that you're in love with someone else.

2008-12-31T02:08:00.002-05:00

I can't believe this is the last day of 2008. Another year gone. I know I always say this, but really... time is flying. This topic really deserves a long, reflective post. The type of which I am not currently capable of forming at the moment. After a night of sleep I'll come back and try again.

you're beautiful when you're sleeping.

2008-12-29T15:27:00.003-05:00

I lost myself somewhere along the way and I don't know where to look to find myself again. I don't feel the same. I feel empty. I feel somewhat dead. What's the hell is going on? I feel like closing myself off, but that's the last thing I need to do. It's all I seem capable of, though.

one world. one experiment.

2008-12-27T03:01:00.003-05:00

I just finished reading "A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson. It was a very good book. I enjoyed it especially because of my passion for science. Up next on my list is going to be a Tom Robbins book. I absolutely loved "Another Roadside Attraction" so I thought I'd give some of his other stuff a try, too. Right now I have "Jitterbug Perfume", "Skinny Legs and All", and "Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates". If anyone has read any of them, let me know which one I should start with. Also, any other book suggestions would be fantastic.

I am officially going to start eating better and working out again. I hate that I've put on weight over the past 6 months and I hate that my jeans are just a little too snug. I want to feel good again. I'm going to get up tomorrow at a decent hour and run on the treadmill for a bit. It's going to be brutal because a) I haven't run in probably two months an b) I have been smoking almost a pack a day (sick). Nonetheless, this is something I feel like I really want to put the effort towards.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do this summer. I'm going to apply at the Sea Turtle Rescue/Rehabilitation place in South Padre. If I get the position, I'll get paid and they'll provide housing and I'll be doing some really amazing things and I'll be living on the beach. Fingers crossed. I'm also going to talk to Chris Bellows, my old mentor from Sea World, about getting some sort of research assistant position or something along those lines.

I can't believe it was just Christmas and it's 71 degrees outside. What's the deal, climate?

fight test.

2008-12-26T19:03:00.001-05:00

Another Christmas come and gone. Another year come and gone...

I'm scared that I'm becoming bitter.

cash it in and throw it all away, never needed any of it anyway.

2008-12-22T22:42:00.004-05:00

I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to be more understanding and less judgmental and a better friend and more self controlled and confident. It feels good.

I'm going to the zoo tomorrow.
Life just keeps on coming.

i've got nothing creative to title this entry with.

2008-12-21T16:41:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been trying to keep myself focused on more positive and productive things. I made it through both Friday and Saturday night without drinking, which is a big feat for me. Especially because Saturday was my brother's birthday. 22 years old... man we're all getting old. The fellows over at the Warhol threw him a birthday party and five bands played, including the Dreamland Project and Slain Monarch. Both did a fantastic job. The boys are playing a show in Austin tonight at Red Eyed Fly so we're all going down for it. I'm pretty excited, it should be a good performance.

My grandma started hallucinating this morning. She claimed there was a mouse in the couch so we tore the cushions off and there was no mouse to be found. We were all a little weirded out... wondering if she was losing her mind or something. Then my mom read the information pamphlet for the antibiotics that my grandma is on and it turns out hallucinations can be caused by an allergic reaction to the medicine. Mystery solved and the case of the phantom mouse is officially closed.

Brady gave me a book entitled "The Path to Tranquility". It's a book full of positive quotations by the Dalai Lama, one for every day of the year. It's been good for me to just flip to a random page and read something that will make me think. I've been trying to take each quote and put it into play in my life, at least for that day. It's a start. And now, I'll leave you with a quote from the book that I appreciate:

"Time never waits but keeps flowing. Not only does time flow unhindered, but correspondingly our lives too keep moving onward all the time. If something goes wrong, we cannot turn back time and try again. In that sense, there is no genuine second chance."

as tall as lions.

2008-12-19T14:47:00.002-05:00

If love comes your way,
don't be afraid.
Unlock the box your heart's encased.
Hope it won't change
and beware of the games
that she'll want to start playing.
Oh lately babe
I stay awake thinking this life
gets lonely.

Well maybe I'm just scared,
scared to let you go.
I want you to know,
right from hello,
your love just kept me wondering.
Well maybe I'm just tired,
tired of never knowing.

I know I'm not good enough for you.

If I can be saved,
show me the way.
Help me help myself baby.
Don't be confused,
our love is true.
Just tell by the way I'm looking at you.

Things are changing starting today.

lessons learned, seasons turned.

2008-12-16T14:19:00.007-05:00

In the past 24 hours, two people have expressed how much of an influence I have had on them and what an inspiration I've been. To me, that is one of the biggest compliments I can receive. It just makes me feel so damn good to know that I've been able to help these two people and make their lives even a little bit more bright. I really feel like I'm finally becoming the type of friend and person that I have been wanting to be for so long. It is a very good feeling.

In addition to that, I passed and will get credit for all my classes from this semester, my external hard drive cord should be arriving tomorrow, I have been catching up with a lot of old friends, and have been reading an awesome book. I wrote a song this morning, too. I may be eating some mushrooms with a small group of amazing people tonight. At this rate, I should be winning the lottery soon. I feel like an incredibly lucky human being.

my body is a witch, i am burning it.

2008-12-15T03:13:00.003-05:00

Things have been progressively improving over the past few days. Friday evening, Allison and I went to Ray's house for a bonfire/party. I was reminded just how awful I am at beer pong. The party was fun - I met some new people, had a good laugh, and kept warm by the fire. After a few hours, we headed to Roland's birthday party for a bit with my brother. I saw a ton of people I hadn't seen in ages, it was really nice. Andrew called while I was there, also, and it was really, really nice to talk to him, even though it was brief. We didn't stay at the party for too long and headed back to Ray's for a while. Around 4:30am, Allison and I decided to head back to my house for some rest.

Saturday night was spent with good people. We went to a party for the lead singer of Pygmaeus' birthday. After that, some of us headed to the Hydra Melody house. They ran out of cups for the keg so Deena and I were drinking beer out of a huge Captain Morgan's rum bottle. It was kind of amusing. Afterwards, we came back to my house and crashed.

Today I woke up with a sore throat and slight fever so I took it easy all day. I slept for the majority of the day, then woke up and ate some dinner. I spent the remainder of my evening watchng a marathon of House.

Things with friends have been getting better. I'm starting to become more aware of how I need to approach situations and I'm done putting up with any sort of crap. I've decided to just tell people the truth from now on. I know sometime the truth can hurt, but I really feel like some people just need to hear it and no one else is going to say it so I'm going to.

That's about it. It's 3am so I'm going to try to get some rest now.

i don't wanna sing, i don't wanna say no.

2008-12-11T12:52:00.004-05:00

I'm trying really hard to just let go. I haven't heard from him in a week and, somehow, I don't think I will. Part of me thinks that it's better this way because it's forcing me to get over it and him, which is what I need to do anyways. He's in Australia, I'm not. It's hard, though. I don't really understand why he won't contact me, but I'm through trying to get into touch with him. If he wants to talk to me, he'll find a way.

Other than all that, things have been getting better. The Ampus room has been a sort of haven for me the past week. It's starting to look really fantastic and such good vibes flow through it. I feel so lucky to have such talented friends. I love laying on the floor of the room, lit only by the rope lights, listening to the music. It's therapeutic for me. Sometimes the music is loud and fast, other times it's slow and hypnotic. It is always good, though. The wall is also looking pretty rockin'. Everyone has been working on painting it and it's turning out really awesome.

So between the drum battles, the blunts, and the breakdowns (both musical and emotional), I think I'm going to be okay.

baptised in soft skin with bitten lips.

2008-12-09T17:03:00.003-05:00

I feel like my head is so jumbled right now. Everything is just so fucking weird. As each day passes, I keep hoping for some relief from this temporary state of mild depression and it doesn't seem to come. I've been sleeping a lot, blaming the jet lag but knowing it's more than that. I just don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything, see anyone. I'm very aware that I need to just snap out of this because it's a little bit ridiculous but I can't bring myself to do it just yet. I feel like I just need more time to just soak up everything I'm feeling right now, the good and the bad. I have so much to work out in my life and in my mind. There is rebuilding to be done, friendships to rekindle, ties to be cut, and loves to be lost.

The idea that everything will become just a memory is so strange for me to think about.

we'd look good side by side walking back to the hotel.

2008-12-07T14:26:00.004-05:00

I'm seeking some sort of spirituality in my life and I don't know where to begin to find it. Books? Meditation? I don't know. Maybe I just need to try a little bit of everything and see what works. I need to purge my life of the fears that I've been hanging on to and living with every day. The fear of failure, the fear of rejection, the fear of death. I feel constantly weighed down, like I'm bearing some burden that is preventing me from living my life the way I want to. It's hard to just let go of these things, though, because they've been around for so long. I've realized I'm a very anxious person. I'm sure that's the reason why in the past fifteen years I haven't ever been able to stop biting my nails. I worry too much about stuff that is out of my control. I tend to dwell on things that aren't worth dwelling on. I just need to let all of it go and feel the release and be able to float through life.

I need something. And thus begins my search to find whatever it is I'm looking for.

some things in life may change and some things may stay the same.

2008-12-05T17:31:00.003-05:00

I'm trying to reason out everything that is going on in my life right now. Part of me feels like I made a mistake leaving Australia so abruptly. However, I know that it wasn't a mistake. It was something that I had to do for myself, even though it was incredibly hard. It still is hard. It's hard to be home. It's all so strange, home should be a comfort. And I suppose it is to some extent, but at the same time it's so foreign to me. It just doesn't feel quite as right as I imagined it would. Things are different but the same at the same time. Perhaps I'm the one that's different. Realistically, it's probably just everything. It's crazy what time does... Time. I feel like time is one thing that I'm struggling to cope with right now. Unfortunately for me, time is one of the few things that is completely inescapable. I'm trying to comprehend the time that has gone by and the time that will continue to tick away and the moment that I'm living in right now. Past, present, and future. All so linked. What has happened in my past, recently and not so recently, will forever impact the way I live right now. And the way I live right now will determine the future. I think about all the people that I've met along the way. Some helped me, some hurt me, and some just made brief cameos yet made lasting impacts. People have taught me lessons and helped me grow and I hope to have returned the favor.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this but it feels good to get it out at least. I guess I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that life is constantly changing and what you want at one moment might not be what you end up with at the end of the metaphorical day. Sometimes life throws you those curve balls to keep you in check. Sometimes great things pass you by and slip from your grasp so that something even greater can come along. I really hope that what I feel right now isn't destined for this fate, but I believe that's my naivety speaking. Besides, six months down the road who knows what I'll feel, who I'll be, what I'll want. Somehow that is the beauty and the burden of the whole situation. I don't know what will happen then, but I know what I feel now.

I just need to enjoy the ride. I'm bound to end up somewhere good.

i haven't forgotten all our yesterdays.

2008-12-04T16:55:00.003-05:00

So I'm back home in Texas. It was really hard for me to leave but it was something I had to do. Andrew and I spent like 20 minutes outside of the security gates just hugging each other and me crying. It was so hard to walk through those doors, so hard to say goodbye. Fuck, I miss him. But it is good to be home and it was good to see everybody, minus all the drama that always somehow finds it way into the good times. Now I'm just sitting around my room, unpacking and listening to music, thinking about how crazy life is.

"let's listen to some get up kids."

2008-11-27T01:29:00.004-05:00

I arrived in Sydney safely and have been enjoying myself for the past few days, especially the weather. Things with Andrew and I have proved to be good, so long as we aren't drunk. We've just been lounging around for the most part, spending our days on the couch eating cereal and watching shows like Law & Order and Walker, Texas Ranger. Hah. Most of my days have been full of a whole lot of nothing, which is nice for a change. I'm pretty much in charge of entertaining myself, seeing as Andrew works five days a week. I've just been going to the beach for the most part. I got quite sunburned today. I was out in the sun from 10am to around 5pm with no sunscreen. Oops. Now I'm just at an internet cafe trying to kill time until he gets off work.

We went to this little club called The Laugh Garage the other night and saw some live stand up. It was good to do something different and the comedians were fairly decent. Andrew also signed up to do a stand up show on December 10th, which will be really funny to see.

As each day passes I can't believe how quickly my time here is running out. As of today, I have two weeks left before I head back to the states. Wow. Wow.

we're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl year after year.

2008-11-17T19:34:00.004-05:00

The more I think about going home, the more nervous I get about it. From everything I've been able to keep up with, I can tell that things have changed a ton. People who used to be friends are now treating each other cruelly, people are not learning from past mistakes and expect to be forgiven, others are hanging out with people that I would rather not be associated with. With all this, I'm left wondering who I'm going to hang out with when I return. I can think of a few people but that's really about it. It's going to be so weird to go from my huge group of friends from the summer to not wanting to see anyone basically. I'm just tired of people for the most part I think, which is sad. I think that some people need to get a firmer grasp of who they are and what they stand for because they keep bouncing around, unsure of what they want or stuck in one mindset. For their own benefit I think they just need to take a step back sometimes and realize that just because people hang out with you doesn't mean they're your friend and just because people sleep with you doesn't mean they want you. I don't know if this is making sense, maybe I'm just ranting, but I needed to get it out somehow.

All I know is that I am 100% stoked to see my family, play my damn drums, and sleep in my own loud, squeaky bed. 22 days and counting.

in this life like weeds you're just a rock to me.

2008-11-16T22:14:00.005-05:00

Byron Bay was such a blast. We arrived on Tuesday afternoon and the first thing I got was a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek from Andrew. It immediately put me in a good mood. We spent most of the day at the beach and then Andrew and I headed back to his hostel, went out for some drinks with Jeff and Jordan, and afterward had a few drinks (two bottles of vodka) before heading to Cheeky Monkey's. Wednesday I went out to brunch with him and his sister and then headed to the beach again. We got rained on, though, so we went to the Beach Hotel for some drinks. The rest of the day was us running around doing stuff before he had to catch his bus back to Sydney. It was sad to see him go but I'll be seeing him again in five days so I'm not too bummed. It was such a good visit, though, even though it was so short.

The rest of our time in Byron was spent tanning, snorkeling, and hanging out at the hostel for the most part. I sporadically decided to get my septum pierced on Thursday. We went to Nimbin, too, which was awesome. We arrived and ate some weed cookies and cake, got back on the bus and continued our adventure. The bus was like a rollercoaster ride and the driver was awesome and was playing sweet music for us to groove to. From Nimbin we headed to this hippy guy's place with acres and acres of rainforest that he planted all himself. He wasn't quite all there but the land was incredible. After that, we went to Minyon Falls which was unbelievable, too. The views that we got on the bus ride were so gorgeous and it was just such a fantastic day. We were left feeling exhausted afterwards and stayed in for our last night in town.

Sunday we went to the beach for a bit and caught some sun and swam. Then we walked around town for a while, trying to kill time until the bus came to bring us back to the Brisbane airport. I bought an Australian flag bikini for $12. I was quite proud of that purchase.

Finally the bus came and I slept for the entire 2 and a half hour duration of the drive. Then our flight was delayed two hours so we were stuck at the airport until 11:30pm. We finally arrived in Cairns around 2am and got back to the lodge around 3am. I was thoroughly exhausted and passed out soon after.

Today I have my lab to finish and then over the course of the next five days I have to study for and take two exams and say goodbye to all the people I've become so close with over the past four months. After all that, I head back down to Sydney to see Andrew one last time before leaving the country for home. It's frustrating that he and I can't see where this would go because we've only got three weeks left together... It sucks pretty hard, but I'm just trying to enjoy the time that we have. Still makes me sad, though.

And now, I'll leave you with a few photos.

the view at Minyon Falls.

Nimbin code of conduct.

Septum piercing.

Can't help but smile.

fuck you and your mass media toys that make being alive seem like a chore.

2008-11-06T23:39:00.003-05:00

So Barack Obama will be the 44th president of the United States of America. Cool. I just hope that over the next few years we see the changes that we are in dire need of.

Today was the last day of classes and, go figure, I slept through my last Venomous Animals class. I blame it on the 4am bedtime that I had last night from working on my photography folio and my marine science lab reports. I got the majority of it done, though. This weekend will be spent relaxing, enjoying our last couple of days with Jeremy, and working on my Venomous Animals lab report which is due Monday. Then Monday I figure I'll do laundry, pack, and get ready for Byron Bay. I am very excited about it.

I feel like I've gained about ten pounds and it sucks. I need to get back into running. It's been about two weeks since I've gone and I feel like such a waste of space. Blech.

And I'll leave you all with a photo I took of Jeremy and Jeanne. It's one of my favorites.

we always have the rhythm here, in our blood and in our souls.

2008-11-02T00:16:00.003-04:00

I can't believe it's already November. Time here really is running short. I have five more days of classes, nine days until we go to Byron Bay, 20 days until I go to Sydney, and 39 days until I get back to Texas. Wow. I have a lot to do before then...

Halloween was fun. I dressed up as Snoop Dogg. We went into the city and it was decent. That's pretty much all I have to say about it. I was incredibly hungover on Saturday so I laid in bed and watched 20 hours straight of Lost. It was pretty awesome, not gonna lie. I'm so addicted to that damn show.

I have to pick classes for next semester soon. That is stressing me out a bit.

Overall, I'd say I'm pretty content with things right now. Except for my skin, I keep getting pimples. Not cool. I never get pimples! It's getting to be a bit too hot and humid here for my taste...

girl, you gotta understand the modern man must hustle.

2008-10-25T22:27:00.004-04:00

I'm really annoyed with myself right now. Last night I just spent the entire night stooping down to the level of the people who have been running their mouths. I hate feeling like that. I refuse to fight fire with fire. I'm just gonna stop while I'm ahead and ignore everything, be civil but not overly nice, and take it from there.

On another note, the Ultimate Party bus turned out to be ultimately lame. Maybe I was just having a bad night, but I didn't find it that fun. Definitely not worth $25 dollars + drinks. I knew I should have stayed in...

Today will consist of finishing my essay, doing laundry, hopefully booking our hostel for Byron Bay, and that's about it. Also, Andrew is going to join us in Byron Bay for a few days when he gets off work and I'm pretty excited about that.

with your cowboy mouth and your curfew plugs, who among them do you think could resist you?

2008-10-23T23:24:00.004-04:00

I am the worst procrastinator in the world, I think. I stayed up until 2am last night to finish a presentation for my Venomous Australian Animals class that I thought was supposed to be given today. I had a really hard time sleeping last night to top it all off. I crawled into bed when I finally finished, laid for over an hour trying to sleep, dozed off for about two hours then woke up at 5:30am, dozed off for another hour and a half and then woke up at 7am to go to lecture (for the third time all semester, mind you). Even though I was a bit disappointed to find that the presentations aren't even going on this week, the lecture was really cool. We had a toxicologist come and talk to us about first aid for spider/snake bites and jellyfish stings. What a cool job would that be? I'm actually considering looking into it as a possible career.

During practical today, we are supposed to be doing first aid practice but instead I decided to stay at the lodge and write my essay for Indigenous Studies (let's just hope I'll never need to utilize any snake bite first aid...!). It's not due until Monday but I know if I don't do it today I'll be hating myself for it later. It's such a gorgeous day outside and it sucks to be stuck indoors, though. I use my frequent cigarette breaks as a way to escape from my stale room and get some fresh air. I'm about a fifth of the way done with my essay and it's only 1:30pm so I should be able to finish by this evening. Hopefully.

On Saturday we're doing the "Ultimate Party Bus" thing for Margerithe's 21st birthday. It should be fun, I'm looking forward to it. The theme is "tight and bright" so I've got to go to Salvation Army at some point and find an appropriate outfit. I'm crossing my fingers to find some sort of awesome gold, sequined dress or something equally tacky.

I'm really looking forward to the two weeks that we have before exams start. Due to financial reasons, I didn't think that I'd be able to take any trips or do much of anything, but my mom was a doll and threw some more money on my card. So now Lauren, Cece, Jeanne, and I are taking a five day vacation down to Byron Bay and I am mega-excited. We found a sweet deal on plane tickets ($240 round trip to Brisbane) and we'll take a bus from Brisbane to Byron Bay. Andrew was a sweetheart, also, and is going to book us a room at a backpackers hostel and is getting us the first two nights for $30. Total cost for travel and accommodation is going to be about $410 AUD, which is less than $300 USD. Sweet deal. We're going to eat sandwiches and canned soup to save money. We're also looking into going hang gliding while we're there and the hostel rents out boogie boards for free. It is going to be awesome.

Okay, enough procrastinating with blogging and Facebook. Time to get back to work on my essay and listen to some Bob Dylan.

it's usually so typical, a piece of you for a piece of me.

2008-10-21T21:23:00.004-04:00

These days I'm finding the greatest pleasure in the little things. I'm straying from my old self, I feel, towards a new, not necessarily improved, but different person. I find my desires to do certain things I used to find really fun are quickly diminishing and I prefer to spend my days being a bit more productive. It's nice for a change.

I had a really good conversation with Owen on our bike ride yesterday about all the things we've learned since being in Australia and all the people we've met. We both realized we have pushed ourselves out of our comfort zones in so many different ways during our time here. We've become friends with people that we never thought we'd be friends with. He and I, for example. He's a dedicated runner who isn't a big drinker and doesn't smoke and I smoke cigarettes all the time, pot occassionally, and I drink excessively sometimes. Yet we've become really good friends. Same with Jeanne - I was thinking about it the other day. When I first met her I never imagined that we'd be as close as we are now. I'm just really grateful for all the people I've met and how much they have affected me and the way I live my life. It's really incredible how much of an impact people can have and I'm pretty convinced that everyone has come into my life for one reason or another. Life is so good.

Anyways, today is another Wednesday off for me. I'm going to spend it doing a few little things that I've been meaning to get around to. I have some stuff to pick up in Smithfield so maybe I'll ride my bike over there. I've also got some work to get done for next week, so I think I'll start some of that today as well. For now, though, I'm just waiting for lunch while listening to my 8500 songs on shuffle on my iTunes.

i don't snap on like you want me to because it still hurts my eyes when they turn red.

2008-10-20T10:44:00.003-04:00

Phwew. I am exhausted. I drank my weekend away. Friday I went out with Sherie and Michelle and it was a really good time. I danced until I was sweating my ass off and drank free cocktails at Mad Cow. Saturday I planned on going out but ended up staying in, smoking with the boys, and drinking red wine. At around 1am I got a phone call from my mom saying that she had talked ot Qantas and if I wanted to change my flight I needed to do it right then. So I drunkenly called Qantas, and after an hour of brief conversations and lots of hold music, I changed my flight successfully. I now leave Cairns on November 22nd and leave Sydney to come back to the states on December 11th. The change cost me almost $700, which is absolutely ridiculous, but I'm hoping that it will all be worth it in the end.

Sunday everyone got back from the field trip and was ready to go out, so for the fourth night in a row I downed the booze and went out dancing. We went to Mad Cow and the Pier. It was a good night. I didn't fall asleep until 5am, though, and had to get up at 8am for class. It was awful, needless to say. I went to class for half an hour and then decided I desperately needed to come back and sleep. I napped until dinnertime and then spent most of the rest of the evening working on our group photography project that is due tomorrow. It's very tedious and still not finished. We're all going to work on it tomorrow before class. We are very bad procrastinators.

I can't believe how quickly I'm running out of time here. It makes me sad to think about whether or not I'm going to see everyone again. This has been the most incredible experience ever. I'm going to enjoy my few weeks here. I plan on getting as tan as possible, continuing my running, going out occassionally (but not too much for money's sake), and just chilling. I've got quite a few assignments due coming up, too, so I should probably get those done...

i want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth.

2008-10-17T01:46:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I went to the beach for what seemed like the first time in forever. Cece and I rode bikes down to Trinity Park and camped out there for a few hours. I tanned topless for the first time in my life and I'm regretting that I didn't slather on some sunscreen because BOY are my boobs sunburned. Besides that, it was really nice to get some sun again. I sat out with my book (Down Under by Bill Bryson), a chilled bottled of white wine, and my iPod and spent four hours unwinding. It was very nice, needless to say.

I didn't go running yesterday because I was exhausted from the sun and wine. I fell asleep pretty much as soon as I got home. I woke up in time for dinner and ate, then went and bought some mighty fine boxed wine. We spent the rest of the evening drinking, playing pictionary, chatting, playing guitar, and adventuring to campus to climb on roofs. We laid on the roof and looked at the moon and stars and ate cheese and bacon balls and talked, every now and then having to hide from janitors and security guards. I also almost set the roof on fire by dropping my zippo, after which we decided to entitle the Facebook photo album "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire". We're clever.

We came back to the lodge and I caught a gecko, we played more guitar, I badly bruised my leg during an attempted cartwheel, and then, realizing it was already 5am, I decided to go to sleep. Not suprisingly, I slept through lecture this morning. I woke up around 11am, quickly (and half-assedly) finished my powerpoint presentation and e-mailed that and my essay (which was due last week...) to Jamie. Then I fell back asleep and woke up around 2:30pm to find that I had slept through lab. Shame on me.

The upside of all this is that today is Friday and it is the weekend. I'm feeling good about things. I'm still in shock that classes end in three weeks and I'll be leaving Cairns in six. I'm excited about having a few weeks in Sydney to relax and reflect on where life is going to take me.

so now let all the light that collects on your plants keep your warm, make you smile.

2008-10-14T08:28:00.001-04:00

I feel like I need a serious emotional, physical, and spiritual cleansing ASAP.

you're the best thing that i've ever found, handle me with care.

2008-10-09T23:27:00.004-04:00

My first week back from break has been, well, like an extended break. I still haven't been to class since the Monday before break. I was all ready to go to class today and then Grant reminded me that it was canceled because Jaime was going out of town. Fantastic. So now I have the entire day to myself. I should be doing homework, really, because I have a ton to catch up on, but I'll save that for the remainder of the weekend.

We've just been watching a ton of movies and hanging out at the lodge. Tuesday evening we watched Deathproof and I was so glad that everyone loved it. It's such an awesome movie, who wouldn't? Wednesday I watched the Patriot and it definitely wasn't as good as I remembered. I found myself getting incredibly bored. Last night we watched Planet Terror to complete Grindhouse and it was awesome.

Tonight is supposed to be Oktoberfest in town, but I'm not sure I feel like going out this weekend. I feel a bit burnt out, honestly. Plus, I have all that work to do. Who knows. We'll see where the day takes me. But for now, a little bit of It's Always Sunny and a nap sounds key.

OH! I almost forgot! I got another tattoo yesterday. It's a Banksy piece. Check it out:

don't worry i'll catch you, don't ever worry.

2008-10-06T07:54:00.010-04:00

Wow. What can I say about the past ten days. They were seriously amazing. I did some things that I never thought I would do (skydiving), met so many awesome, wonderful people, got closer with my friends, and learned a lot about myself. As we're all going through the pictures from the trip, it's just reminding me of all the good times we've had. It's good to be home, though. I'm definitely planning on heading back to Sydney at the end of the semester if money permits... And now, here are some pictures from the trip. Only a sample, I've got over 300 of 'em.

Our friend, Greg, whom we met at our hostel in Melbourne.

The view of Melbourne from the observation deck.

Feeding a giraffe at the Taronga Zoo in Sydney.

Surfing outside of Sydney (I stood up on my first try!)

Skydiving.

I feel like one damn lucky human being.

this shit is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

2008-10-05T02:12:00.003-04:00

Surfing today was amazing. We did a lesson on shore about how to stand up and how to paddle, then we jumped into the water. Apparently I'm a natural because I was up and riding a wave my very first try. By the end I was standing up and riding every single wave I tried. I am ridiculously sore, though. Everything from my waist up is just stiff. Very worth it, though.

The trip ends tomorrow with skydiving, then our flight back to Cairns.

hold up, hell no, like britney spears i wear no drawers.

2008-10-04T04:48:00.005-04:00

The last leg of our trip is proving to be a very adventurous one. Thursday we went to The University of Sydney's gym and used the rock wall. It was my first time rock climbing and it was a little bit scary and quite tiring. I had a really good time, though. After we got back to the hostel, we ate some food and then went to Scubar for a few drinks. We came back pretty early, though, because we had to get up at 6am this morning for sky diving (!!).

We woke up and caught our bus to the facilities. It was rainy so we had to wait around for a while to see if it would clear up. Unfortunately, it did not and we weren't able to jump. We're rescheduled for Monday, which means we will go jump out of an airplane (14,000 feet in the air) and then we get to go get back into an airplane and head back to school. I'm quite horrified to think about what the free fall will feel like, but hopefully it will be fun and go smoothly.

Tomorrow, Lauren and I are doing a day long surf trip. I'm really excited about it. I'm probably going to be awful, though, because I'm usually just not good at these sort of things (ie: water skiing, wakeboarding, etc). This trip is proving to be an amazing one.

ooh girl, shock me like an electric eel.

2008-10-02T22:16:00.005-04:00

Currently in Sydney at a little internet cafe next door to our hostel. No time for a full blown update, but let's just say Sydney is awesome and we've met some cool people and our hostel is neato and I got to feed a giraffe at the Taronga Zoo. We're leaving Monday, and over the next three days we have rock climbing, surfing, and sky diving in mind.

I'll update when I get back to Cairns (which I'm very much looking forward to, traveling is stressful!).

"choose the highest bidder" was my answer when they told me i was up for sale.

2008-09-29T00:49:00.004-04:00

Melbourne has been amazing. We got here Thursday at around midnight and came to the Home Traveller's Motel. We were stuck in a 6 person room, but it was cheap and a place to stay. Little did we know how much we would grow to love this hostel. The people have been amazing and the atmosphere is unmatched. We stayed here Thursday through Saturday, then were forced to leave on Sunday because there wasn't any room for us. We went to Cooee, another hostel down the road, and were immediately turned off by it. The staff was unfriendly, as were our roommates, and the atmosphere was just really stiff and strict. We originally booked two nights there, but after ten minutes we all realized we didn't want to stay for both nights. We called Home Traveller's and luckily they had an opening for tonight so we booked it and came back.

The past few days have gone by so fast. I can't believe we're already leaving Melbourne tomorrow. We've been exploring St. Kilda and downtown. It's been filled with a lot of shopping, walking, drinking, eating out, and guitar playing/singing. We've met some great people here - lots of Irish people and some cool Brits. There have also been some awful people (two mainly) one of which being a roommate we had the second night here. He was an older Israeli guy and was creepy from the get go. We came back to our room after a Friday night out around midnight and we were drunk and giggly and he started to get really angry with us, telling us to shut up and such. He just kept going on about it and finally our Irish roommate, Owen, told him to let it go. That angered him even more and he started threatening to punch Owen. Jeanne and I went downstairs to reception at that point, and they ended up kicking him out.

I'm sad that tonight is our last night in town, but it has been a wonderful visit. I'm looking forward to Sydney and surfing, rock climbing, and more adventures.

you can sit on chimneys, get some fire up your ass.

2008-09-25T04:20:00.002-04:00

Well guys, I'm off to Melbourne for five days, then Sydney for another five! I'll try to post updates while I'm traveling, but who knows when I'll get internet access. Otherwise, see you in ten days!

you used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that.

2008-09-20T23:42:00.002-04:00

Time is flying by, as usual. Another week gone. Friday night we drank tequila, played Pictionary, then went to the city for a bit. I came back earlier, I just wasn't feeling it for some reason.

I was so hungover all day on Saturday, it was god awful. That afternoon, Cece, Jeanne, and I went to AJ Hackett, the bungee jump place down the road. We all did this Minjin Jungle Swing thing. Basically you get strapped in then you get pulled backwards. When you get to the top, you pull the ripcord and go soaring down through the rainforest. For those of you that still don't know what I'm talking about (and are from San Antonio), it's like the Screaming Sky Coaster they used to have at Six Flags, except this one is in the middle of the rainforest. It was so much fun, I screamed my face off. Cece was laughing at me so much because of my screams and I was shaking. It was really scary, but when it was over we had so much fun that we decided to do it one more time.

After that, I think I had my adrenaline rush for the day, but Cece and Jeanne did a tandem bungee jump. It was awesome to watch. I'm going to do it next time, even if I'm horrified and pee my pants. You only live once, right?

Afterwards, we walked back to the lodge and had dinner. Then I took a little nap because I hadn't had a good night's sleep all week. I woke up around 8:30pm, smoked a little bit, then watched Back to the Future 2 and went to sleep. It was a perfect, quiet Saturday night.

I have so much homework to do today and the rest of this week, it's ridiculous. I have a presentation for my Indigenous Cultures class that I have to do for tomorrow. I also have an annotated bibliography due for that class the Monday after break, along with an essay for my Venomous Australian Animals class. Since I'm not going to be back in town until Tuesday, and I don't plan on doing any work while I'm away for break, I have to get it done before I leave, which is Thursday. I'm so excited about going to Melbourne and Sydney with the girls. It's going to be a blast. We're going to try to see some live music in Melbourne and putz around. I wanna do surf lessons, as well. And we're planning on going rock climbing in Sydney. Tonight I think we're going to figure out what hostels we're staying at and try to much some sort of tentative itinerary for the ten days we're going to be gone. Agghh, I'm stoked.

I've been really digging the song "Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene lately.
Okay, I've really got to do my work now and the adderall is kicking in big time. Ciao!

i miss my bad marijuana and mushrooms, they treat me hella bad when i'm sittin' in customs.

2008-09-15T02:58:00.003-04:00

Today was a wonderful day. After staying up until ridiculous hours of the night working on my lab report, I decided to hit the hay and finish it in the morning. So I woke up, missed class, and finished the lab. Jeanne and I went over to campus to print and turn them in, then came back to the lodge to see that today was a hot lunch day, which was exciting. Afterwards, Cece, she, and I went with Gavin to the city. We went to Body Funk and I bought a new lip ring, got my bar shortened, and got my other nipple pierced. Gavin got his ear pierced and Cece got her rook done.

Then we went shopping. And it all goes down hill from here. I spent so much money today. I bought a purse, two new pairs of sunglasses, one ridiculous pair of HUGE sunglasses in the shape of stars, an oven mitt for my mother, and some other nonsense that I don't remember. Either way, the total cost of today was about $140. Australian dollars, that is, so really it was less in U.S. dollars. It was such a good day, though. We laughed a lot.

The races on Saturday were amazing as well. It felt so awesome to get all dressed up and everybody there looked amazing. The horse races were cool to watch and the boys bet some money and actually won. Everyone went clubbing afterwards, but I was exhausted so I just came back to the lodge and we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas and drank beers.

Now, I'm going to bike with Owen, eat dinner, then watch Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion and hit the hay early.

your good intentions count for little anymore. if you're sorry then why wage war?

2008-09-11T10:00:00.005-04:00

Today was a good day. I watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and then I ate a hearty dinner. Afterwards, we began to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which was very good. In the middle of the movie we were pleasantly interrupted by Karlie to go into the city to go shopping for dresses. The amateur horse races are in Cairns this weekend and I am thoroughly excited. I bought an awesome black and white dress ($70, yikes!) and some red jewelry to go with it. I'm so excited about dressing up, you have no idea. It's going to be a really good weekend. I'm looking forward to sipping champagne and watching horse racing.

Also, today Jared removed the virus from my computer, thank god. It was becoming a serious nuisance. I'm just glad everything is back to normal.

Well, what do you know? Tomorrow is Friday, thus beginning another weekend. Time is flying by. I've already been in classes for seven weeks. I have the feeling that this weekend will be different from the rest, though. Let's just hope the weather improves...

some may say this might be your last farewell ride.

2008-09-11T00:25:00.004-04:00

I haven't drank at all since Saturday night and it feels great. We've just been hanging out and watching movies pretty much, smoking a few joints occasionally. Tuesday we watched Knocked Up and yesterday we watched Back to the Future I. Next on our list is Pleasantville, the other two Back to the Futures, and Hocus Pocus. I've even started to work out again. Yesterday I went biking with Owen while he ran. Then I went for a run of my own to campus and back. I repeated this today, except with a longer bike ride with Owen. My legs are a bit sore but it feels good. Let's see if I can keep it up.

The races are this weekend and I'm pretty excited. For those of you that don't know, "the races" is horse racing. It's going on in Cairns this weekend. Everyone gets all dressed up and afterward goes out to the bars and the clubs and parties. Karlie, Jeanne, and I are going to go buy fancy dresses to wear tonight. I'm really excited.

School has been somewhat of a bummer this week. I have a lab due on Monday and a presentation to work on for next week. Plus the weather just makes it a hassle to walk to and from campus. I'm ready for the sunshine again.

but you don't really care for music, do you?

2008-09-08T22:31:00.003-04:00

The weekend was interesting. I'm going to stop drinking so much, I believe.

I had my first test yesterday and I think it went well. The weather is crap today and I really don't feel like walking to campus in the rain. Lame.

I wish I had more to update with. I've been in a weird mood lately. Feeling a bit empty.

i can tell you this much, i will marry just once and if it doesn't work out give him half of my stuff. it's fine with me, we said eternity.

2008-09-03T11:21:00.002-04:00

The past few days have been really good. I've been feeling a bit ill but besides that, things are well. I had a great day on Monday. I skipped class and slept a little late and then went over to Chris and Devon's apartment with Jeanne and Cece. We made some sangria and Cece did some laundry while we waited for Devon to get back from campus. When he returned, we hopped a bus into town and went out for lunch at The Pier. I had a burger and fries with a pint of beer and it was delicious. After lunch, we headed to Body Funk to get pierced. Cece got her tongue done and I got my nipple pierced. I still can't believe I actually did it. It didn't hurt as bad as I expected. But I'm glad I went through with it. It's still a bit sore but I'm diggin' it.

Last night we went out to Trinity Park and shot off a potato gun. It was pretty fun. And tonight we set off a bottle rocket in the middle of the courtyard. It was pretty awesome. I also caught two toads tonight (after a bottle of wine) for my zoology class. Glad that's out of the way. Now all I have to do is get my photography folio done and study for that indigenous cultures test on Monday...

I've been noticing lately that pretty much all the guys treat me like a guy. That's all well and fine, you know, because I'm kind of used to it at this point. I just get along with guys better. But I just wish that, regardless of my somewhat tomboy-ish personality, I'm still a feminine girl. And I wish they would treat me like it sometimes. I don't know. Some of 'em can be kinda mean at times, too. I guess I ask for it by having the personality that I do, eh?

her offbeat dance makes me fantasize, her curves - she's sexy.

2008-08-31T10:43:00.002-04:00

I'm learning so much about myself every single day, good and bad. I can already tell this experience is going to change me incredibly.

i'm useless but not for long, the future is coming on.

2008-08-31T02:30:00.003-04:00

This weekend has been fantastic. After an interesting night at Mad Cow on Thursday involving a certain contest, I was ready to not go back to the city for a few days. Friday we celebrated Matt's birthday by bonging as much as we could. He bonged a bottle of white wine, a gin and tonic, and a ton of beer. He puked so, so much. It was hilarious. He wasn't even puking because he was drunk, either. His stomach was just so full of liquid and he couldn't hold it down.

After the festivities, I went to bed and had to wake up at 6:30am on Saturday for a field trip. We went to Green Island and did a field study on the reef. We walked around and saw a bunch of really cool stuff like an octopus and a puffer fish. I got a bit sunburned and I spent $60 on a bathing suit (but it's really cute!). After the field trip we got back to the lodge, ate a quick dinner, then headed to Trinity Park for the bonfire. It was a lot of fun, minus the huge ants that were crawling around everywhere and a tiny bit of drizzle. We got back and hung out in Andy's room for a bit, then I went to bed.

Today I spent the entire day in the sun. Cece and I started to lay out at around 11am in the courtyard and then moved to the pool because it was so damn hot. The pool was chilly but it was so refreshing. I opted against going to Crystal Cascades with the boys and ended up going to the Beaches to swim at that pool. We just got back about half an hour ago, so I was in the sun from 11am - 4pm today. I'm quite burnt. The pool also washed a ton of the dye out of my hair, so I'm sitting here with more pink dye settling in my hair as I type this.

Oh! My lab on Friday was awesome, too (minus the hangover). We cut open cane toads and injected adrenaline + other things directly into their hearts and got to monitor the effect on the heart rate. It was neat.

So I think that catches you up on the past few days. I'm going to go wash the dye out of my hair now.

i'm just goin' through the motions.

2008-08-26T20:27:00.006-04:00

The pink hair has returned. And boy is it pink. I love it.

Cece, Jeanne, and I hung out all evening and drank wine and dyed my hair. It was fun. Then I went to bed early. Now, here I am at 10:28am, trying to figure out what to do with the first of my two weekly days off. I'm going to need to go to school to check out a camera so I can get my four pictures taken for my folio that's due next week. Maybe that will involve a trip to Trinity Park for some beach shots. Kill two birds with one stone - relaxing day at the beach PLUS getting some homework done.

Eh, who knows. We'll see where the day goes. Unfortunately, I also feel like I might be on the brink of getting sick again. I'm definitely overloading my body with cigarettes and wine. I'll give myself a break for a few days and hopefully my sore throat/cough will clear up.

clean out the reds in my eyes to get by security lines.

2008-08-24T21:26:00.002-04:00

And it's Monday again. The weekends seem to go by so fast. Saturday night was fun, we all went out to Gilligan's and danced. Then we drunkenly wandered around the city, caught the bus, and got back to the lodge around 4am. I ended up staying up until past 7am, then finally passed out. I woke up at 1pm and hung out all day. Me and the boys sat around by the pool and drank beer for the majority of the afternoon. Later, we watched a few episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then I went to bed early. It was a nice Sunday.

Now I'm in class during our break. Only an hour and a half to go... Yikes. Three hours is a long stretch. A nap will be much needed this afternoon.

if the plane goes down, damn, i'll remember where the love was found.

2008-08-23T02:46:00.003-04:00

The weather has finally cleared up and today was the first sunny day in too long. We woke up after a long night at the beach party, ate lunch, and headed to the beach. We ran into Matt there, and we all tanned and played around in the water a bit and listened to music. It was really relaxing, just what I needed. I felt like I hadn't been to the beach in a while. The sky was the most vibrant blue color, it was beautiful. I buried my feet in the sand and watched the waves crashing onto the beach. Therapeutic, to say the least.

Now that I'm showered and sand-free, I'm waiting for dinner and then we'll see where the night takes us.

you can wake up sounder if you get analyzed.

2008-08-22T03:11:00.002-04:00

Last night was hilarious. I'll leave it at that.

I had my first real lab for my Venomous Australian Animals class today. It was actually really fun. We had to determine protein concentrations in anti-venoms. I worked with Dave and Grant and we were spot on with all our results and finished before almost everyone. It was awesome. Now I'm home and waiting for dinner. There is a big party out at Trinity Park tonight that we're all going to. Hopefully the weather cooperates. It's a bit drizzly and very overcast right now.

I'm glad the weekend is here.

we treat mishaps like sinking ships, and i know that i don't wanna be out to drift.

2008-08-20T04:03:00.007-04:00

I feel like I'm doubting myself in a lot of ways. I don't like the feeling. I'm used to being totally sure of myself and of who I am and I feel like recently I've sort of lost that. I have a slight idea of where it is stemming from, but that's only the beginning.

I wish I had more close friends here. I love Cece, but as far as everyone else, I can't help but feel a rift between us. They're really nice people, but I just can't help but feel like we're just very different and it makes it hard for me to really open up to them. I wish that things with Matt and I weren't so weird/awkward (though I'm not sure why it is so much) because I really enjoy hanging out with him and Andy. They're the type of people that I would be friends with normally. Laid back, funny, and I have a good time with them. Half the time I feel like they just don't want me around, though. I just don't get it.

I love it here, I just wish I had more people around me that I could really get to know. It's tough to not have a real support system when I'm so used to having a really stable one. I don't know. I just feel alone.