Tuesday, August 31, 2010

may you spread your love like laughter, find whatever your after, open all your windows and let the music spill out.

Things are so strange right now. I feel like I have no direction, no purpose. I've been home for a week and I'm already bored. It's weird having graduated. I wish I was going back to school. I need to use my brain. I need things to keep me occupied so I can keep my mind off of my slightly bruised heart, but there's not much to fill the time. I've been applying for jobs that I convince myself will be decent, but truthfully, I'm not finding anything that inspires me. I know I shouldn't be picky, I just need some form of income, but I want to do something meaningful. I don't want to waste time working a job that I hate. Maybe I've become spoiled from all the amazing jobs that I've managed to come across so far. Or maybe I'm fooling myself to think that I can stay in Texas. There's nothing here for me. And I don't know what's next. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Aimless.

The past few weeks have sucked. Moving away from the island and employment, having to give away Kitty, getting hurt by Eric, then coming home and realizing that I have nothing to put my energy toward. I realize that things aren't really that bad, but I just feel down in the dumps. I was extraordinarily happy three weeks ago. And here I am now. Bummed out and extremely contemplative sitting in my bedroom. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

keep it loose, keep it tight.

Summer is over. Things are feeling dark. I fell hard and then got my heart squished. Thinking about it makes me feel nauseous so I'll just leave it at that. My dad got laid off again. I'm unemployed and broke. I'm fifteen pounds heavier than I was at the start of the summer.

Something has got to change before I lose it. I'm drowning.