but you've got to walk away now, it's over.

I just feel invisible. I wish I didn't have any friends so I would know why I felt so lonely.

i can't breathe with the dust of retreat.

I am freaking out and just feeling really frantic and overwhelmed right now. I just got an e-mail saying that my financial aid forms are incomplete and if they aren't all done by May 1st (tomorrow) then I won't be able to receive as much aid. I like that they wait until 2pm the day before to let me know. Not only that, but all my study abroad stuff is just really freaking me out and I don't know what I'm doing and I'm just sitting here crying and feeling stressed out. I have to pay everything up front for room, board, and tuition since I'm going to be an international student, but Mount Holyoke isn't giving us the money until August and I need it by July and we can't afford to just shell out 20,000 dollars all at once.

And on top of all that, it's really starting to hit me that school is almost over and I'm not going to see my friends for 8 months. I started packing last night and just got really sad. This is supposed to be an exciting time and all I can do is worry and be nervous and sad.

all the things in your heart, like the things in your head, are only as they seem.

Early to bed, early to rise. That's what I'm planning on doing for the rest of the semester. I need to start getting more sleep, the bags under my eyes aren't terribly attractive. I am through with my work until finals come around. I can't believe how fast this semester/year flew by. It's hard to believe a year ago I was getting ready to move to Boston. It's surreal.

I got my JCU offer of acceptance this morning. That makes it official - I'm going to be spending next semester in Cairns, Queensland. I'm really excited but also very nervous. I think it will end up being an incredible experience, though. Australia will be amazing.

I think that I am going to apply to Suicide Girls next spring. By then I planning on having my yellow submarine tattoo finished and maybe will have lost a couple of pounds. I hope my mother doesn't find out. I'm not sure she'd be too thrilled to hear that I want to pose naked in pictures that will be posted on the internet.

I'm going to take a nap now.

rings of flowers around your eyes and i'll love you for the rest of your life (when you're ready).

Getting off campus was exactly what I needed. Lee was exactly what I needed. There is something so soothing about being around him. I respect him so much. He's so comfortable in life and I want that to rub off on me. He inspires me to live like that, to be spontaneous and happy and confident. I'm still struggling in trying to balance doing what I want with doing what others want. Sometimes it seems like he has all the answers. I know he doesn't, but he sure does a good job giving that impression. It was hard for me to get on that bus and leave. I wanted to lay in bed with him all afternoon, naked and listening to his heart beating, entwined in his fake-tanned comforter from days past. Everything just sort of disappeared for those few hours. I still love him and I don't know that I will ever stop. I'm okay with that, he makes me feel like a better person and always lifts my spirits.

He is the only one I ever want and that scares me.

if this is sight, i'd rather be blind.

what am i, chopped liver? you need to get off your high horse and realize, despite your beliefs, the world isn't revolving around you. i'm seeing so many different sides of people and i don't like it.

it seems as if these limbs belong to someone else, if i could only keep this all inside myself.

i'm really good at reading people and i think it's a blessing and a curse. on the one hand, i can understand my relationships with people more and i can avoid people who i get bad vibes from. on the other hand, it complicates everything. i don't know how to explain why, i can't articulate it. it's just this feeling that i have in the pit of my stomach that comes from being able to tell what people are thinking and wanting and feeling and it's not always something that i want to know.

i think this is why i have such a hard time really getting close to people and opening up.

if one's born into battle, one doesn't know any other kind of life.

aren't friends supposed to be the one's that lift you up when you fall, not the ones that push you over the edge? i just don't know what i'm doing anymore. all i feel is animosity towards mostly everyone.

my head is constantly hurting and i just want to sleep forever.
only twenty-three days 'till i'm back home.

my shangri-la beneath the summer moon, i will return again.

I haven't gotten to just sit and listen to music without being preoccupied with something else in far too long. I miss just listening. Just listening. We watched a documentary about scratching today in Framing Youth Culture. It was so fucking badass. I want to learn. I also surprisingly think that I did quite well on my Chemistry exam. I'm proud of myself for being so productive yesterday.


My headphones have incredible sound.
I'm about to break 5000 songs on my iTunes. That's quite a milestone.

happy.

i finally finished my research paper and it feels good. it was really enjoyable and interesting to write. and now, after 11 hours in the library, i'm ready to go to sleep.

this was a good weekend.

i can't stop questioning.

What I've kept with me and what I've thrown away, don't know where the hell I've ended up on this glary, random day. Were the things I really cared about just left along the way for being too pent up and proud? Woke up way too late feeling hung over and old and the sun was shining bright and I walked barefoot down the road. Started thinking about my old man. It seems that all men wanna get into a car and go anywhere.

Here I stand, sad and free. I can't cry and I can't see what I've done. God... what have I done?

Don't you know I'm numb, man. No, I can't feel a thing at all 'cause it's all smiles and business these days and I'm indifferent to the loss. I've faith that there's a soul somewhere who's leading me around. I wonder if she knows which way is down.

I poured my heart out. I poured my heart out. It evaporated... see?

Blind man on a canyon's edge of a panoramic scene. Or maybe I'm a kite thats flying high and random, dangling a string or slumped over in a vacant room, head on a stranger's knee. I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind.

goodbye, blondie. hello carrot top.

Goodbye, blonde hair. You were fun for a while, but it was just time for a change. Maybe someday we will be reunited. Hello , new red hair and amazing five dollar Wal-Mart sunglasses. I think we will get along juuuust fine.

My blog makes me seem incredibly narcissistic, I think.
Only five pages to go on my research paper. I had a meeting with Tony today and it was really helpful. I'm looking forward to finishing up (obviously not that much, though, considering I could be working on it right now and am not).

Also, the weather has been incredible. Keep it up, mother nature.

the answer is blowin' in the wind.

i've been working for the past three days straight on my research paper, and, at page 7, i feel like i've hit a brick wall. my brain is dead and doesn't want to function anymore. i'm listening to bob dylan in hopes of rekindling my inspiration, but unfortunately, it's not working.

i have signed myself up to be bid on at the date auction this saturday. i'm not sure what i'm getting myself into. more than likely it will just be extremely humiliating and i will fall off the stage or something. or maybe someone nice will buy me. atleast i'll have caroline with me to share in the anguish.

the end is near. of school, that is. and maybe also the world.

breathing just to breathe.

These two posters hang side by side on my wall. One symbolizes the ideals that I strive for, however impossible they may be. For a fleeting moment in the 1960s, there was unity. There were people like me who yearned for something more than what we have been given, something more than the role in society that we have been assigned to. For a fleeting moment, we realized the infinite possibilities of experience and thought and ideas and love that we have.

And, in a fleeting moment, it was gone. Squashed by the conservative norms of society. Squashed by the real world that we live in. A world where people kill other people and destroy entire civilizations all in the name of greed and power. A world in which a single path should be followed, and those that stray from that path are shunned and criticized. A world that I want to change but feel completely helpless to do so.

I can't focus on my work. I'm only two pages into my 15 page paper and have barely started my lab. Giving myself long breaks between short bursts of working is redeemed only by the fact that I've got the entire day to work. I'll regret it come 10pm.

I get lost in thought way too much.

'cause he's the only one i've ever wanted.

it was so good to see him again. lounging around in the sun, occasionally making eye contact with him and giving him a wink and a smile, feeling his arms around me again - it all just made me realize how much i miss him. it was good to get everything out in the open and talk about where we stand. we both know that it just doesn't make sense to be together right now. and i'm glad. because i need to focus on other things. i want to date other people and do well in school. i want to live my life and work towards my goals and learn about who i am and i want to be okay without him.

and i am. i am okay without him. i think that's why i love him so much. we aren't unhealthily reliant on each other. we understand that we have some important stuff that we've got to do for ourselves before we could ever be together again. he's pushing me to do great things for myself and i appreciate it. he doesn't try to hold me back. he's encouraging and understanding. we complement each other very nicely, the peanut butter to my jelly.

now that i have this temporary closure, i'm ready to accept the way things are now for what they are and anticipate what may or may not lay in the future for us.

and now it's time for me to start all the homework that i've got ahead of me for this week. between a 15 page research paper about youth drug subculture, an evolution lab about clam shell patterns, and the occasional chemistry problem set, i've got no time for fucking around this week.

unfortunately, fucking around is what i happen to be great at.

we've got sea legs.

tonight was such a bust that i can't even believe it.
i had been looking forward to the M.I.A. concert for so long and tonight was finally the night. and the whole night was mediocre. we got there way too early, everyone was drunk except for me, and her performance was lackluster. i left early and came back to the dorm. everyone went to the after party and i just wasn't in the mood. i stayed behind and passed on the shots of bacardi razz and smoked with some friends. and now, i'm sitting in my warm room with amazing lighting listening to the shins and the grateful dead, feeling content and tired and ready to pass out.

things are looking up.
i also watched "hard candy" today. ellen page is amazing in that movie, but i gotta say, it fucked with my head. great movie, though.

jeez.

what the hell is going on with our country? our economy is fucked.