twenty ways to see the world, twenty ways to start a fight.

I can't believe I'm actually leaving town (again) tomorrow. This break has flown by and it's been great but I'm ready to get back to school. It's been some nine months or so since I've seen anyone from up there. The reunion shall be glorious.

The last twenty four hours were amazing and shitty. Shitty first, then amazing. My external hard drive (which contained countless movies, 10,000 songs, seasons 1-4 of Lost, seasons 1-3 of It's Always Sunny, all of Freaks and Geeks, etc) took a fall Friday night and unfortunately, died from it. The data recovery was going to be anywhere from $600 - $1600 (which, needless to say, is fucking ridiculous and way too expensive) so I purchased a replacement hard drive and am starting from scratch. The guy at Altex was so badass, though. He was like "Look, this thing is fucked. But what music did you have on it?" I told him I had a ton of shit - rap, indie, classic rock, trip-hop, and the like. So he told me to make a list of some stuff that I would want back and he's going to burn me a ton of music from his 700+ gig personal music collection. Awesome.

Last night the mustache party was a hit. Except most people didn't even show up in mustaches. No fun. Mine was pretty awesome, I looked like Yosemite Sam. We had a good crowd here, the boys played a set, I said my goodbyes to some people, and I made up with Alton. It's good to not be on bad terms anymore.

Today, my schedule will consist of:
- packing
- laundry
- rebuilding my music library
- anticipating my long awaited return to massivetwoshits.

smoke-free texas.

I was driving home from a lunch date today and as I lit up my habitual post-meal cigarette, a commercial came on the radio about passing legislation to ban smoking. "Fight for everyone's right to breath clean air". Wait, what? What about my right to smoke? And besides that, breathing clean air is something that we don't have the luxury of anymore. If you really want to fight for clean air, how about you stop polluting it with your cars and factories. Cigarette smoke is the least of our worries.

And while I'm ranting, I'm going to move on to the fact that I'm going to have to quit smoking weed if I get my job at Sea World. That annoys me. I don't smoke a ton, but when I want to I want to be able to and not have to worry about my job being at risk. I am more than qualified for the job - I've interned at an aquarium before, I'm studying biology, I'm smart, and I'm hard working. The fact that I smoke weed doesn't change any of that. So why should my job be on the line because of it?

And why can't I wear my piercings at work? And why should I hide my tattoos? Are they offending you? Once again, why do the smallest features or characteristics of me determine how qualified or employable I am. I am who I am and I love my body art and I don't like feeling like it is going to be a deterrent in my employment.

Society is just bringing me down, man.

i wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?

I'm anticipating the upcoming days to be quite hectic. In between now and Monday, I'll be going to Sea World to apply for a job, heading to Hondo to visit Mike, having lunch with Mrs. Hummel, hitting up Austin one last time, packing, cleaning, laundry-ing, planning, and getting as much quality time in with my friends and family as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to get one more book read in the next four days, as well. It's doubtful, but I'm going to aim high. I finished "Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates" today and it was very, very good. I liked it more than "Jitterbug Perfume" but less than "Another Roadside Attraction". I also wrote a new song today. I'm thinking that it will be titled "Lullaby", or something along those lines.

Anyways, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow so it's about time I hit the hay. Goodnight world.

turn up the signal, wipe out the noise.

Phwew. It feels really good to get that off my chest.

It's funny, I wrote my last entry on Saturday and was planning on having a quiet night. Then, very spontaneously, we got a hold of some mushrooms. Justin, Ricky, Kim, Thomas, Kelsey, Brady, Paul, Ben, and I ate varying doses and had a damn good time. By 4am, the group had thinned to just Ben, Justin, Ricky, Thomas, and I. We ate a few oranges and talked until 5am, at which point I came inside to try to sleep, but was unsuccessful until 9am. It was a really good night and I'm glad that it was able to happen before I left for school (for which the countdown is up to six days now!). Speaking of that, I shipped all my stuff up today. It was kind of sad taking some of my posters down to send up there, but also exciting because I'll have a fresh, new room to decorate to my liking.

And now, I'm struggling to drift off to sleep yet again tonight. No matter how exhausted I am, I can't seem to sleep until 3am. I've got to get back on some sort of a schedule ASAP because waking up for classes is going to be mighty painful otherwise.

I'm calling SeaWorld tomorrow to see about getting some sort of badass job this summer. Fingers crossed.

find a brand new way of seeing, your eyes forever glued to mine.

Staying in and having a quiet Saturday is proving to be a good idea. I've been in my pajamas all day, packing up some boxes and cleaning out my drawers, listening to my iTunes on shuffle and realizing how much good music I have in my library that does not get listened to enough. The past two days have been chock full of Slain Monarch shows, with Thursday up in Austin and last night at the Warhol. Regardless, I never get tired of hearing their music. For anyone who doesn't know already, the link to their myspace is www.myspace.com/slainmonarch. Which actually reminds me, I made a music Myspace for my stuff, as well. The link is: www.myspace.com/ninacardenasmusic. Anybody reading this should definitely check out both pages for some nice tunes.

My stomach is slightly upset. I attribute that to the consumption of beer last night, plus the Mama Margie's afterward. Ugh, I feel like all I do is eat. I can't wait to get back to school and get back on some sort of a schedule.(and also have access to a gym!). The lack of any structure in my life is driving me nuts. Nine days. Well, eight if you don't count the rest of the evening. Which I won't for all intents and purposes.

My bed is looking mighty enticing so I think I'll go crawl in and try to get a good chunk of "Fierce Invalids from Hot Climates" read.

pot kettle pot kettle black. talk that talk that smack.

Despite all the bullshit that has been going on, I am actually surprisingly happy. I know that I have amazing friends that treat me well and I have a fantastic brother.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Very relaxed. I spent my afternoon doing a total clean of my room. We organized my desk, my bookshelf, swept up SO much dirt from the floors (which I'm attributing my sickness to partially), changed my sheets and cleaned the windows. It felt so good to have my room be so spotless.

After dinner, Kim came over to hang out and I wrote a new song. We headed to Ampus temporarily but it was fucking cold so we ended up going to Jim's with Justin and Ricky. Justin bought me a delicious cup of Jim's coffee. Then, after running some quick errands, he dropped me off at my place and I went to sleep shortly thereafter.

Today I would like to run some errands of my own. I need to go to HEB to use the CoinStar machine and I need to buy boxes so I can start thinking about shipping some stuff up to school. Speaking of which, I am absolutely excited to get back up there and see all my lovely friends again.

i'm alive but i feel mostly dead.

Something isn't right. I've been trying to keep everything bottled up and in the far reaches of my mind/memory in the hopes that it will all just disappear but instead, everything just blew up in my face. I've pushed away some of the people that care about me the most. I'm alone. I feel completely alone.

When I got on that plane and left Australia, something died inside of me. The flame that burned and kept me going was blown out. I'm just a zombie now. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. Social interactions? No thanks. I feel like I'm just spiraling down, down, down. I've lost sight of everything that I care about and I just feel apathetic about everything. Mostly I just want to sleep. All the time. Maybe that's what I'll do until I get back up to school. Maybe the change of scenery will be good for me. Maybe not. I'll guess I'll just have to wait and see. Until then, I'll probably just be catching an excessive amounts of zzz's...

i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

The days are ticking down until I head back up to Massachusetts. This break has flown by just as fast as the five months in Australia did. Sometimes I just want to take a step back and breathe, but of course, life doesn't always permit that. Because I'm leaving again in 18 days, I have to start thinking about packing and shipping stuff up there and all that nonsense. It's such a hassle, I wish I could pay someone to do it for me. I am, however, really looking forward to seeing everyone up in the Northeast again.

I also went to the doctor the other day to have my knee checked out. I've got to get an MRI to figure out exactly what the problem is, but the doc thinks it's more than likely my meniscus. Hopefully no surgery or anything drastic will be needed. Keep your fingers crossed.

My brother, Deena, and I had a fun experience the other night. We ended up sitting on my deck, wrapped in blankets, playing music and talking and chain smoking. I had a really good time. It's always nice to be reminded how great the world can be and how much I appreciate the people in it.

I wrote another song last night. Maybe at some point I'll get some recordings or videos put together and post them here. I'm thinking of making a Myspace, as well. Hmm.

will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged.

Fuck. Why is it that I can make so much progress in pushing him to the back of my mind but in an instant it can all come rushing back? Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. I don't know why I let it get to me because I know it doesn't matter to him. Nothing that happened does apparently. I just don't get it. I don't get why he said the things he said and then why he just stopped being in touch. It hurts and I don't want it to anymore. I'm tired of it. And it's not worth it. And fuck him. You know what, fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve this. His loss. Right?

Either way, I just want his ghost to disappear so I can move on.

i might and you might, but neither of us do.

Phwew. So here we are in 2009. Last night was a success, I'd say. There was a good group of people there, including a lot of people that I hadn't seen in ages. I drank a little too much red wine... well, maybe WAY too much red wine, and I'm paying for it today. I'm ready to start this year with a clean slate and am definitely through with drinking for the most part.

You know, it's strange. I can't even remember last new years really. It seems so long ago. I suppose it was, I mean a year is a considerable amount of time. But for as long as it is, it sure seems to fly by damn fast. 2008 was quite a year. I think I really started to figure out who I am, what I'm about, and what I truly want and need in my life. I fell in love. I went to Australia and found out I had more independence that I had ever thought. I met so many awesome people and really started to immerse myself in music (thanks largely to the influences of my brother and friends). I changed immensely and learned that I have to stick up for myself, even when it breaks my heart. I learned that you really can't judge a book by it's cover and became best friends with people I didn't really see myself ever becoming close with. I gained more confidence and security in myself. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone so many times and benefited so much from it. I got pierced and tattooed more than I probably should have. I jumped out of an airplane 14,000 feet in the air. I drummed until I blistered. I found myself in places I never thought to look. There were good times and bad times. Tears were shed and I laughed until my abs hurt and I couldn't breath.

2008 was, without a doubt, a landmark year for me. And now the transition into 2009 somewhat represents the transition that is to come in my life. I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel like I finally have all the tools to mold my life into everything I've wanted and I'm ready to seize opportunities that arise and work for my goals. I'm so excited to see where this next year takes me.