the trouble is that you're in love with someone else.

I can't believe this is the last day of 2008. Another year gone. I know I always say this, but really... time is flying. This topic really deserves a long, reflective post. The type of which I am not currently capable of forming at the moment. After a night of sleep I'll come back and try again.

you're beautiful when you're sleeping.

I lost myself somewhere along the way and I don't know where to look to find myself again. I don't feel the same. I feel empty. I feel somewhat dead. What's the hell is going on? I feel like closing myself off, but that's the last thing I need to do. It's all I seem capable of, though.

one world. one experiment.

I just finished reading "A Short History of Nearly Everything" by Bill Bryson. It was a very good book. I enjoyed it especially because of my passion for science. Up next on my list is going to be a Tom Robbins book. I absolutely loved "Another Roadside Attraction" so I thought I'd give some of his other stuff a try, too. Right now I have "Jitterbug Perfume", "Skinny Legs and All", and "Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates". If anyone has read any of them, let me know which one I should start with. Also, any other book suggestions would be fantastic.

I am officially going to start eating better and working out again. I hate that I've put on weight over the past 6 months and I hate that my jeans are just a little too snug. I want to feel good again. I'm going to get up tomorrow at a decent hour and run on the treadmill for a bit. It's going to be brutal because a) I haven't run in probably two months an b) I have been smoking almost a pack a day (sick). Nonetheless, this is something I feel like I really want to put the effort towards.

I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do this summer. I'm going to apply at the Sea Turtle Rescue/Rehabilitation place in South Padre. If I get the position, I'll get paid and they'll provide housing and I'll be doing some really amazing things and I'll be living on the beach. Fingers crossed. I'm also going to talk to Chris Bellows, my old mentor from Sea World, about getting some sort of research assistant position or something along those lines.

I can't believe it was just Christmas and it's 71 degrees outside. What's the deal, climate?

fight test.

Another Christmas come and gone. Another year come and gone...

I'm scared that I'm becoming bitter.

cash it in and throw it all away, never needed any of it anyway.

I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to be more understanding and less judgmental and a better friend and more self controlled and confident. It feels good.

I'm going to the zoo tomorrow.
Life just keeps on coming.

i've got nothing creative to title this entry with.

Lately I've been trying to keep myself focused on more positive and productive things. I made it through both Friday and Saturday night without drinking, which is a big feat for me. Especially because Saturday was my brother's birthday. 22 years old... man we're all getting old. The fellows over at the Warhol threw him a birthday party and five bands played, including the Dreamland Project and Slain Monarch. Both did a fantastic job. The boys are playing a show in Austin tonight at Red Eyed Fly so we're all going down for it. I'm pretty excited, it should be a good performance.

My grandma started hallucinating this morning. She claimed there was a mouse in the couch so we tore the cushions off and there was no mouse to be found. We were all a little weirded out... wondering if she was losing her mind or something. Then my mom read the information pamphlet for the antibiotics that my grandma is on and it turns out hallucinations can be caused by an allergic reaction to the medicine. Mystery solved and the case of the phantom mouse is officially closed.

Brady gave me a book entitled "The Path to Tranquility". It's a book full of positive quotations by the Dalai Lama, one for every day of the year. It's been good for me to just flip to a random page and read something that will make me think. I've been trying to take each quote and put it into play in my life, at least for that day. It's a start. And now, I'll leave you with a quote from the book that I appreciate:

"Time never waits but keeps flowing. Not only does time flow unhindered, but correspondingly our lives too keep moving onward all the time. If something goes wrong, we cannot turn back time and try again. In that sense, there is no genuine second chance."

as tall as lions.

If love comes your way,
don't be afraid.
Unlock the box your heart's encased.
Hope it won't change
and beware of the games
that she'll want to start playing.
Oh lately babe
I stay awake thinking this life
gets lonely.

Well maybe I'm just scared,
scared to let you go.
I want you to know,
right from hello,
your love just kept me wondering.
Well maybe I'm just tired,
tired of never knowing.

I know I'm not good enough for you.

If I can be saved,
show me the way.
Help me help myself baby.
Don't be confused,
our love is true.
Just tell by the way I'm looking at you.



Things are changing starting today.

lessons learned, seasons turned.

In the past 24 hours, two people have expressed how much of an influence I have had on them and what an inspiration I've been. To me, that is one of the biggest compliments I can receive. It just makes me feel so damn good to know that I've been able to help these two people and make their lives even a little bit more bright. I really feel like I'm finally becoming the type of friend and person that I have been wanting to be for so long. It is a very good feeling.

In addition to that, I passed and will get credit for all my classes from this semester, my external hard drive cord should be arriving tomorrow, I have been catching up with a lot of old friends, and have been reading an awesome book. I wrote a song this morning, too. I may be eating some mushrooms with a small group of amazing people tonight. At this rate, I should be winning the lottery soon. I feel like an incredibly lucky human being.

my body is a witch, i am burning it.

Things have been progressively improving over the past few days. Friday evening, Allison and I went to Ray's house for a bonfire/party. I was reminded just how awful I am at beer pong. The party was fun - I met some new people, had a good laugh, and kept warm by the fire. After a few hours, we headed to Roland's birthday party for a bit with my brother. I saw a ton of people I hadn't seen in ages, it was really nice. Andrew called while I was there, also, and it was really, really nice to talk to him, even though it was brief. We didn't stay at the party for too long and headed back to Ray's for a while. Around 4:30am, Allison and I decided to head back to my house for some rest.

Saturday night was spent with good people. We went to a party for the lead singer of Pygmaeus' birthday. After that, some of us headed to the Hydra Melody house. They ran out of cups for the keg so Deena and I were drinking beer out of a huge Captain Morgan's rum bottle. It was kind of amusing. Afterwards, we came back to my house and crashed.

Today I woke up with a sore throat and slight fever so I took it easy all day. I slept for the majority of the day, then woke up and ate some dinner. I spent the remainder of my evening watchng a marathon of House.

Things with friends have been getting better. I'm starting to become more aware of how I need to approach situations and I'm done putting up with any sort of crap. I've decided to just tell people the truth from now on. I know sometime the truth can hurt, but I really feel like some people just need to hear it and no one else is going to say it so I'm going to.

That's about it. It's 3am so I'm going to try to get some rest now.

i don't wanna sing, i don't wanna say no.

I'm trying really hard to just let go. I haven't heard from him in a week and, somehow, I don't think I will. Part of me thinks that it's better this way because it's forcing me to get over it and him, which is what I need to do anyways. He's in Australia, I'm not. It's hard, though. I don't really understand why he won't contact me, but I'm through trying to get into touch with him. If he wants to talk to me, he'll find a way.

Other than all that, things have been getting better. The Ampus room has been a sort of haven for me the past week. It's starting to look really fantastic and such good vibes flow through it. I feel so lucky to have such talented friends. I love laying on the floor of the room, lit only by the rope lights, listening to the music. It's therapeutic for me. Sometimes the music is loud and fast, other times it's slow and hypnotic. It is always good, though. The wall is also looking pretty rockin'. Everyone has been working on painting it and it's turning out really awesome.

So between the drum battles, the blunts, and the breakdowns (both musical and emotional), I think I'm going to be okay.

baptised in soft skin with bitten lips.

I feel like my head is so jumbled right now. Everything is just so fucking weird. As each day passes, I keep hoping for some relief from this temporary state of mild depression and it doesn't seem to come. I've been sleeping a lot, blaming the jet lag but knowing it's more than that. I just don't have the energy or the motivation to do anything, see anyone. I'm very aware that I need to just snap out of this because it's a little bit ridiculous but I can't bring myself to do it just yet. I feel like I just need more time to just soak up everything I'm feeling right now, the good and the bad. I have so much to work out in my life and in my mind. There is rebuilding to be done, friendships to rekindle, ties to be cut, and loves to be lost.

The idea that everything will become just a memory is so strange for me to think about.

we'd look good side by side walking back to the hotel.

I'm seeking some sort of spirituality in my life and I don't know where to begin to find it. Books? Meditation? I don't know. Maybe I just need to try a little bit of everything and see what works. I need to purge my life of the fears that I've been hanging on to and living with every day. The fear of failure, the fear of rejection, the fear of death. I feel constantly weighed down, like I'm bearing some burden that is preventing me from living my life the way I want to. It's hard to just let go of these things, though, because they've been around for so long. I've realized I'm a very anxious person. I'm sure that's the reason why in the past fifteen years I haven't ever been able to stop biting my nails. I worry too much about stuff that is out of my control. I tend to dwell on things that aren't worth dwelling on. I just need to let all of it go and feel the release and be able to float through life.

I need something. And thus begins my search to find whatever it is I'm looking for.

some things in life may change and some things may stay the same.

I'm trying to reason out everything that is going on in my life right now. Part of me feels like I made a mistake leaving Australia so abruptly. However, I know that it wasn't a mistake. It was something that I had to do for myself, even though it was incredibly hard. It still is hard. It's hard to be home. It's all so strange, home should be a comfort. And I suppose it is to some extent, but at the same time it's so foreign to me. It just doesn't feel quite as right as I imagined it would. Things are different but the same at the same time. Perhaps I'm the one that's different. Realistically, it's probably just everything. It's crazy what time does... Time. I feel like time is one thing that I'm struggling to cope with right now. Unfortunately for me, time is one of the few things that is completely inescapable. I'm trying to comprehend the time that has gone by and the time that will continue to tick away and the moment that I'm living in right now. Past, present, and future. All so linked. What has happened in my past, recently and not so recently, will forever impact the way I live right now. And the way I live right now will determine the future. I think about all the people that I've met along the way. Some helped me, some hurt me, and some just made brief cameos yet made lasting impacts. People have taught me lessons and helped me grow and I hope to have returned the favor.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this but it feels good to get it out at least. I guess I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that life is constantly changing and what you want at one moment might not be what you end up with at the end of the metaphorical day. Sometimes life throws you those curve balls to keep you in check. Sometimes great things pass you by and slip from your grasp so that something even greater can come along. I really hope that what I feel right now isn't destined for this fate, but I believe that's my naivety speaking. Besides, six months down the road who knows what I'll feel, who I'll be, what I'll want. Somehow that is the beauty and the burden of the whole situation. I don't know what will happen then, but I know what I feel now.

I just need to enjoy the ride. I'm bound to end up somewhere good.

i haven't forgotten all our yesterdays.

So I'm back home in Texas. It was really hard for me to leave but it was something I had to do. Andrew and I spent like 20 minutes outside of the security gates just hugging each other and me crying. It was so hard to walk through those doors, so hard to say goodbye. Fuck, I miss him. But it is good to be home and it was good to see everybody, minus all the drama that always somehow finds it way into the good times. Now I'm just sitting around my room, unpacking and listening to music, thinking about how crazy life is.