I've decided to run a half marathon in February. Training begins tomorrow. Wish me luck.

life is what you make it.

Things have definitely improved since the last time I wrote here. I bounced back from Eric pretty quickly, thanks to just about everybody I have in my life. The job search is going at least slightly better. The Health Science Center contacted me with a few responses they wanted and then said that I would hear back within two weeks if they want to interview me. Then the other day I got a call from a veterinary clinic that I sent my resume to and they want to interview me for their vet kennel technician position. I'm hoping more for that job over the lab job at the Health Science Center, but I've got a few concerns about moving to Austin. First off, I'm not sure that the position will pay what I would need to support moving to and living in Austin. Second, I applied for a position in Texas Parks and Wildlife in Corpus doing sea turtle stuff. I'd be making over $30,000/year and it'd be a perfect career starting position. I'm not sure I'll be considered because a lot of people in this field have years and years of experience or at least a Master's, and I have neither of those things. But I'm hoping that working at Sea Turtle Inc. (which works very closely with the Corpus program) will give me a little edge.

So basically the issue is that if I move to Austin for this kennel tech job and sign a lease somewhere and move in and get settled then I'd be stuck there and would have issues accepting the Corpus position, should I even get offered. I'm not really getting my hopes up but I just want to make sure I make logical decisions with what my next step is. I do know that I'm craving my own place and I'm craving work and a schedule and a routine. When I have no routine, I get so disorganized and sidetracked from doing what I need to do.

Blah blah blah. I guess that's it. I had a great day today and a really nice, quiet night. Red wine, reading, Miles Davis, and episodes of South Park. And it just started raining again, for the millionth time this week. I've been loving it.

may you spread your love like laughter, find whatever your after, open all your windows and let the music spill out.

Things are so strange right now. I feel like I have no direction, no purpose. I've been home for a week and I'm already bored. It's weird having graduated. I wish I was going back to school. I need to use my brain. I need things to keep me occupied so I can keep my mind off of my slightly bruised heart, but there's not much to fill the time. I've been applying for jobs that I convince myself will be decent, but truthfully, I'm not finding anything that inspires me. I know I shouldn't be picky, I just need some form of income, but I want to do something meaningful. I don't want to waste time working a job that I hate. Maybe I've become spoiled from all the amazing jobs that I've managed to come across so far. Or maybe I'm fooling myself to think that I can stay in Texas. There's nothing here for me. And I don't know what's next. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Aimless.

The past few weeks have sucked. Moving away from the island and employment, having to give away Kitty, getting hurt by Eric, then coming home and realizing that I have nothing to put my energy toward. I realize that things aren't really that bad, but I just feel down in the dumps. I was extraordinarily happy three weeks ago. And here I am now. Bummed out and extremely contemplative sitting in my bedroom. I just don't know what I'm going to do.

keep it loose, keep it tight.

Summer is over. Things are feeling dark. I fell hard and then got my heart squished. Thinking about it makes me feel nauseous so I'll just leave it at that. My dad got laid off again. I'm unemployed and broke. I'm fifteen pounds heavier than I was at the start of the summer.

Something has got to change before I lose it. I'm drowning.

when you run make sure you run to something and not away from 'cause lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down.

Shit, I haven't posted in forever. It's hard to keep up with stuff when you don't have the internet. I'm home right now, my birthday is tomorrow technically. I don't feel too excited this year, but it'll be a good one I'm sure. I'm going to Austin I think to do some swimming and hanging out.

This summer at Sea Turtle Inc. has been epic. I found two nests, which is two more than last year. My co-workers are amazing, I've met a lot of cool people, I got a new kitten (who I'm watching attack her own shadow right now), and many good times have ensued. I've even managed to save quite a bit of money!

My last day of work is going to be August 6th. After than I head back to San Antonio to meet Caroline and Bailey here on the 7th. We're going to hang out for a few days, and then, after sending Bailey on a plane, Carlo and I are heading to California together. We're going to go to the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, L.A. to see Arielle and Grace and my lovely friend Deena, Monterey to hit up the aquarium and drop off a resume, then we're ending in San Francisco. I'll fly back to Texas on the 18th. Then it's hanging out for a bit while I figure out my next move. I got a job offer with a company called East Coast Observers. I'll basically be living on a boat in the gulf for six weeks doing some work with the oil spill, making bank. I'm pretty stoked.

Life is rockin' these days. More so than usual.

you said, "ain't this just like the present to be showing up like this?"

Holy shit. I am graduating from college in less than a week. It's all been hitting me more and more every day. I just got back from a four day long vacation at the cabin in Vermont today. It was amazing. Old faces and new faces (though I wish there had more more cohesion between the two), beer and boxed wine, laughter and tears. I am so appreciative of all the people I have in my life. This year has been rough and a lot has changed, but I'm glad to know that they're still there, even when some of them don't seem like they are. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I think about leaving. It's so scary to me to know that this time, when I get on that plane to go back to Texas, I won't be coming back. This is it. I don't know when the next time will be that I'll get to see any of the people that have become my best friends. It's so hard, but I know this is just part of life.

We went and visited Nick at rehab on our way out of Vermont this afternoon. He's in Brattleboro at a nice place and he looks amazing. I've never seem him look this good, this healthy, even before the whole incident. I'm so happy that he's doing well. He's thinking of getting an apartment in town and just hunkering down there for a while. I think that would be great for him. The town was really cute, we went out to lunch at a little cafe and chatted and caught up. We walked for a bit, stopped at a little head shop, and then dropped him off as we got back on the road. He's going to come to graduation, which I'm really excited about.

Senior year has been amazing. I feel like I've gotten to such a good place in my life. Pretty late in the year, we started to meet some really amazing people. It sucks that our paths crossed at the end, not giving us much time. We've made the most of it, though.

I feel so lucky for everything that I've been given, the people I've met along the way, the experiences I've had, the mistakes I've made, and the person I've become. I can't believe college is over.

Best four years of my life.

he asks us what we have done for our souls lately.

So here's a few little blurbs about what's new:

I've decided to become a zumba instructor. I'm getting certified in April. I'm pretty excited. Hoping to find some part time or full time work with this over the next year or so.

I will officially be living on South Padre again this summer, working at Sea Turtle Inc. Also very exciting. I love the work so much. In relation to the first blurb, I'm going to try to find a part time job teaching zumba classes somewhere in Brownsville in the evenings to make some extra cash.

I need to start being more responsible with my money. I can't keep up this pattern of spending whenever the hell I want to. I'm going to be on my own in a few months and I need to learn how to deal with that. Not very exciting, but necessary.

On that note, I really want to buy some new boots.

I've been doing extremely well in school thus far this semester. I've been keeping up with most of my readings, doing well on assignments, and I'm still in love with my music theory class. So much so that I haven't missed a single 9am class (and it meets every day of the week).

Life is still good. It amazes me every single day how balanced and organized and steady I have become. I'm proud of myself. I just need to find more time for guitar now.

i can honestly say..

...that for the first time in forever, I am truly happy. I am happy with myself, I am happy with my life, and I am grateful for the people in it.

when it comes, it comes unannounced and it feels like a matador is taunting me with his reddest red cloak and i am the bull.

I keep having this weird, recurring, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-esque dream where I'm in a mental hospital and the main nurse really hates me. Every time I have the dream (which has to be at least seven times by now) it's a different hospital and it's like I end up there again and the bitchy nurse is getting really annoyed with me. Last night, she wouldn't even allow me to eat. What a hoe. But then, in the end, I always end up escaping by flying away and she runs after me and tries to catch me but I'm always victorious. Except I did start to get attacked by a dog as I was flying around a neighborhood. Hmmmm.

Dreams are weird. Portal to your subconscious, our minds can come up with some pretty random shit.

Still sore from kickboxing on Friday but I'm going back for seconds tonight.

i truly admire and love this man.

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard & you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. Amazing things will happen."

-Conan O'Brien

What a class act.

you should be daaaaaaancing, yeah!

Phwew. So much has been going on. Been up at school for j-term, having a really good time. Taking a pilates class and a wellness class and have been going to the zumba classes. Needless to say I've been getting a lot of exercise and it feels great. Medina and I heard back about the Park Street apartment and were so excited to hear that we got it! We moved in this past Friday and it's really been coming together nicely. I absolutely love it. It's really nice to be able to be on my own eating schedule, especially. I want to get some recipes and try cooking new things now that I have a kitchen. The whole apartment is really cute. Kathy and Carlo came over for dinner tonight, Kathy's treat. She made spaghetti and I put together a simple salad. It was delicious.

I've also decided to do Sea Turtle Inc. again this summer. I figure I have a year off, I may as well at least start it off on the right foot and earn some money. Plus, Brooke and Mariana are coming back as well and they're always a pleasure to be around.

Life is just peachy. Really, I feel so amazingly content and happy and productive and well. My final semester of college starts on the 27th. It's surreal but I'm looking forward to all of these years of schooling finally coming to an end. At least temporarily.

If anyone is reading this, tell me something good. Something that is good in your life, something that makes you happy, something that you're proud of, whatever. Happiness is best when shared.

finding beauty in the dissonance.

And thus begins 2010. Another year down. A decade ago, I spent my New Year's Eve at my old house with my eighth grade friends lighting potato chips on fire with sparklers (and eventually lighting my back lawn on fire, as well...). This New Year's Eve was spent with good friends fighting the cold and wind underneath the carport of the house that we have now been living in for almost eight years. I leave back for school on Sunday and the fact that the next time I return I will be a college graduate really weirds me out. People keep asking me what comes next and I respond honestly: "I have no idea." It's nice. A bit frightening, but exciting. Who knows what else lays ahead. For the past 22 years I've always had a plan for what's next, albeit very loose plans. This time, I really don't know what's next. Only time will tell.

I haven't worked out in almost three weeks and I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym. I bought a new pair of running shoes over break so I'm hoping that it helps the knee problems that were starting to kick in before break. I'm glad I'm not staying in Texas for all of January. I just generally get sidetracked, bored, and I stray from productive things when I'm here. It will be a challenge to keep myself productive and healthy when I move back in May, especially as far as working out/eating well goes. It's just so hard when there is a fridge full of homemade chili or pasta, ya know? It will be nice to be able to swim, though!

Well, happy new year to everybody that is reading this. I hope 2010 brings you happiness, prosperity, laughter, and growth. I'm dedicating this year to myself, focusing on what I need to do to better myself, to feel proud of all of my decisions and actions, and finding peace and acceptance within.