i met you at the bloodbank.

It feels so great to be home again. My home is beautiful. My family is amazing. I'm realizing a lot of things. I can't do what everyone wants me to do anymore. I have to make choices based on what I want. Life is too short. I've grown up. I've changed. I am a young adult that needs to do what's good for her (and my concept of what's good for me has peaked in the past fix or six months). I'm really lucky to have a brother like I do. We had great conversations tonight. Family is so important. And everything works out in the end if you make it. It's a choice, an effort. Make your life what you want it to be. The possibilities are endless. Think about something you don't like about your life. Now go and change it, transform it into something you can be happy with. Something you can be proud of. It's in your power, you decide what your life will be. And I'm finally getting a clear, healthy view of what I want my life to be, who I want to be.

I am exhausted. A long day of traveling and multiple almost-sleepless nights in a row has left my brain a little scattered. I'm excited to wake up tomorrow, home.

so what if i'm a day late?

Things I am thankful for:

- parents

- brother

- friends

- music

- my guitar

- education

- laughter

- life

Thanksgiving was good. Crystal had a little get together at her apartment in Northampton so we went and drank red wine and ate delicious butternut squash soup. I'm still on campus, ended up not going to NY. Been feeling a bit under the weather so I thought it best I just stick around and rest up. I rearranged my room, I've been watching lots of internet TV, playing a ton of guitar, and enjoying chain smoking sessions with Medina. Heading back to Texas in three weeks. Can't believe how fast the semester flew by (I say that constantly, the concept of time is mind boggling to me!). Looking forward to home, music, birthdays, doggies, and mommy daughter shopping. K, off for some guitar and some Big Love.

look out, the world's destroying ya. relax, it isn't far.

The past month has been really amazing. I've been significantly happier, none of the ups and downs I've grown somewhat used to. I've been eating well and drinking less and working out and getting my life together. I ran five miles today. I was extremely proud of myself. It's the most I've ever run in my entire life. I've been drinking a ton of seltzer. And watching a ton of Conan O'Brien and falling in love with him even more, haha. Been experimenting more with guitar, writing more stuff, playin' around. It's fun. Hoping to get more time to jam with Katy. The other day we were sitting on the porch at Joslyn's house and she told me that I inspired her so much and I was extremely flattered. I don't think anyone has ever really told me that. I'm listening to Built to Spill right now. They're really fucking good, I'm not sure why I haven't listened to them before. I know it's only 9pm but I think I'm going to crawl into bed and watch last night's episode of Conan and doze off.

My thoughts are all over the place tonight.

"i cried when i had no shoes, until i met a man who had no feet. then i laughed... really hard."

I had some weekend. Mostly just Friday. After some convincing I was dragged to a Vegas Night party mostly sober, was surrounded by wasted girls, got ditched by my friend who threw a drink on her ex, ate a weed brownie, then had to walk back from Silver Street alone at 1am, which resulted in a huge blister on my heel. I was pissed as hell by the end of the night for a number of reasons, but whatevzzzzzzzzz. Over it. Spent my Saturday night stoned as hell. Went for an adventure to Amherst and saw multiple drunk assholes tackling each other on the sidewalk. Overall, it was a decent weekend.

I've been doing the whole gym thing for a little over two weeks now and I feel great. Definitely more in touch with my body and how I feel physically. Mentally I feel good, too. Bam. I'm really starting to like my hair a lot now. It's pretty sweet. I've been doing a lot of thrifting lately. Got an AMAZING fur coat for twelve dollars. I don't care how ridiculous I look, I'm wearing it all winter. It is warm as fuck. I also got a neat lampshade and a guitar case that my fucking guitar doesn't even fit in. Bummer. It was really badass, too. I feel happy. Content. And it's been constant for the past few weeks. None of that up and down shit. Feeling more comfortable expressing myself. Planning for the future. Keeping up with the present. Learning from the past. Anticipating what lies ahead. Discussing possibly getting an apartment with the brother dude. Contemplating moving to California/Alaska. Driving cross country is still a possibility. Sea Turtle Inc. this summer again maybe. Working on my resume, working on my future, working on my life. And of course, using fewer complete sentences...

Strangers with Candy calls.

lord i was born a ramblin' man.

I wish people wouldn't get so wrapped up in things. I just want to say "hey, it's okay. it's going to be okay. Relax." So I do. And no one listens. Things are funny. I'm enjoying being alive. It's been absolutely beautiful up here in the Pioneer Valley. I learned a funny story the other week. Jeffrey Amherst, the man that the town and college are named after, was actually a total douche bag. A seemingly kind gesture: he gave the Native Americans blankets. Nice guy, right? Wrong. He purposefully gave them blankets infested with smallpox. And he was honored by having a town and Ivy league school named after him. I guess it only seems appropriate when I look at all the people that go to Amherst. Crude generalization, yes. But I have yet to really been proven wrong.

I've been sick the past few days. It sucks. Being sick usual does.

Mid-semester break starts Friday. I'm not going to do shit with myself. Just going to enjoy the free time and the weather. Saturday I'll be going to Boston for Hannah's Edith Piaf themed birthday party. I have no fucking idea what to wear.

My life has been guitar guitar guitar homework cigarettes gym guitar sleep gym class labs. Happiness, essentially. I feel freer than I have in a while and it is a beautiful thing. I don't feel tied down to too much and the responsibilities that I do have I thoroughly enjoy. Doing well in school, keeping up with work, trudging my way through senior year. I still can't believe it.

I want to start writing more often. Less inhibited, less censored. I'm working my way towards baring my soul to the world. And doing it without the search for acceptance is a lovely thing. Here I am. This is me. Take it or leave it, no skin off my back.

I type really fucking fast. It's ridiculous.

the times, they are a'changing.

That they are, Bobby. That they are.

The school year started off rough but things have been on an upward slope. Reflection is key. Guitar playing is my escape from the world. Opening up to people has been amazing. Stronger friendships, stronger passions, stronger Nina. Making senior year count. Focusing on myself. It's time to get selfish. My dorm room is cozy but smells like feet. My feet. I don't particularly mind, though. Showers are getting less frequent. Eating more vegetables, fewer processed foods. Still need to get my ass to the gym. Bought a bike. It's a classic. Trying new things, new foods, new friendships, new resolutions, new approaches to life. No more shitty, watery beer. No more booze in excessive amounts. Clear mind, healthy body, happiness. Goals have been set. Homework has been done. Fingers have been calloused to the point of no return.

It's your life. You only get one shot at this thing. Reach out and grab it. Mold it, decorate it, make it yours. Sometimes it will get chipped, cracked, or completely smashed but you just pick up the pieces and start over and learn to be more careful with something so delicate. Sometimes it needs more than some gum and a safety pin to put it back together, though.

Do what's right. Do what makes you happy. Hopefully they coincide but if not, take a chance. Weigh your options.

After graduation, I will either a) move to Alaska b) drive cross country aimlessly (company will be welcome) or c) go live in Europe somewhere. I can tell you that I will NOT be doing d) complying with my parents wishes to continue with my education. I need to let loose. No school, no constants, just new people, places, experiences, adventures. I will become a vagabond of sorts. On the road to somewhere, going nowhere. Temporary hiatus from so called "real life". What is life even about anyways? Money? Power? I really hope not. In fact, I know it's not. So why are so many people convinced that gaining both is equivalent to success? Maybe I'll figure things out along the way. I'm on the verge of something. I can feel an energy building inside of me, itching to break free from everything I know.

Change is my God. What is yours?

it's so much better when everyone is in. are you in?

Life is so full of beauty everywhere. It's really been apparent to me lately. The new people I've met, the old friends I've caught up with, the music everywhere. The sunlight and the laughter and the grass and listening to Incubus while laying on wood floors in an empty living room. The Incubus concert was unbelievable. They are even more so my favorite band now. The concert was amazing. I can't stop talking about it. I hung out with Josh for the majority of it. We pushed our way into the middle of the crowd, dead center in front of the stage. It was hotter than hell and everyone was pushing and jumping and screaming. I was drenched in sweat and thought I was going to vomit from the heat but I stayed there the entire concert and I just pushed and jumped and screamed with the 4400 other people around me. I already can't wait to see them again.

I want to practice guitar more and get a clearer view of things. It's time for me to grow up on move on from old habits. I have a hard time doing it, though. It's just going to take work and effort and time but I feel myself moving in a good direction. I'm actually very much looking forward to getting back to school and finishing up my college career and starting to work out again and jamming with Katy and helping establish the Golden God Art Collective with my brilliant, motivated, creative, beautiful friends.

We're all on the verge of something big. It's time for a breakthrough.

you may have bent me, but you cannot break me.

There are less than two weeks remaining in my internship. This has been quite a summer. I feel incredibly lucky to have taken part in some of the things that I've been able to. I feel that my work has actually made a difference in the world, in the lives of the turtles, and in my life. This wasn't the easiest summer, I struggled with relationships, insane bouts of boredom in my days off, and hard work. But I can easily say that this was the most satisfying summer I've ever had. I earned money, did exceptional work, met new people, and pushed my own boundaries. And most importantly, I didn't give up, even when things got hard. I'm proud of myself for the work that I've done and the knowledge that I've gained. I'm grateful for this experience and I feel honored to have taken part in such an amazing organization full of wonderful people.

On another note, we released Jenny, the loggerhead this afternoon. It was a little sad but mostly I just felt happy for her that she was going back to her home. We watched her quickly make her way past the breaking waves and I was kind of overcome with emotions. This was an excellent way to see the summer winding down.

I probably won't get around to posting again until after I'm back home so I'll catch you guys later.

"now give us back our baby so we can paint it."

I'm lying in the hotel bed watching Good Morning America. My mom is leaving town today. It's been a nice visit. Last night we barbecued with Terry and Linda, the older couple that has the trailer next to mine. It was fun and the food was delicious.

A loggerhead sea turtle had come in on Monday after being found floating around by the jetties. It had been hit by a boat probably three or four days earlier. The propeller had hit the turtle's head and carapace. It was pretty bad but were were feeling hopeful about it's recovery. Unfortunately, yesterday afternoon as we were closing up, we noticed the turtle had died. We wanted to figure out the cause of death was so we ended up doing a necropsy. It was the first time I'd done anything like that. I never even dissected a full animal in high school or anything. So we cut open part of the plastron and cut the skin around the flippers. We removed the plastron entirely and got to see all of the bloody insides. It was really, really cool. We found that the intestines had been perforated by a fish bone, which was more than likely the cause of all the turtle's problems. The perforations probably caused septisemia which made the turtle feel weak and lethargic. That in turn probably made the turtle float at the top of the water and then got hit by the boat. Poor turtle. It was really sad that it died but I am grateful that I got to see the necropsy and also I'm glad the turtle stopped suffering. It was obviously really uncomfortable and in a lot of pain.

My birthday is in six days and the intern party is coming up, too. We also have some intern activities that we're going to do, which includes sandcastle building lessons, Schlitterbahn, and other fun things. I still can't believe the summer is coming to a close. I'm going to miss having the beach in my backyard.

hey babe, take a walk on the wild side.

Jeez, I can't believe how fast time is going by. I know I say that a lot, but seriously! It's already mid-July. I'm turning 21 in eight days. My summer at Sea Turtle Inc. will be over in a month. Then it'll be back to school for my last year of college. Wow. This summer has been great. I really fucking love my job. I can see myself doing stuff like this for the rest of my life. It's really amazing and for the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm doing something, making an impact. It's inspired me to go to vet school, also. I want to specialize in exotic animals and maybe get a job at a zoo, aquarium, or wildlife refuge. Who knows. We'll see what happens.

This summer has been a big learning experience in so many ways. Myrna and I are essentially the outcasts of the interns. Everyone is coupled up with their boyfriends/girlfriends and never invite us anywhere. Apparently people have been talking shit, too. That's fine with me normally, if someone doesn't like me then okay, whatever. You win some you lose some. But I keep hearing that people are criticizing my work performance and it really pisses me off. I get this feeling that they think I'm less qualified because I drink and smoke. Fuck that. We got hired for the same job, did we not? I work just as hard as you and do just as well, so shut the hell up. Phwew. Okay, just had to get that out there. But I talked to Jeff about it and I'm all squared away with him so that's all that I care about.

On the fourth of July, we were at work and someone called in an injured turtle that they had seen floating in the bay. Mary was the only full time staff member working that day so she sent Myrna, an older woman volunteer, and I to go meet the people at a dock in Port Isabel and picked up the turtle. It was pretty nasty looking. It had been hit by a boat and the propeller did a number on it's shell. She's doing a lot better now. The Gladys Porter Zoo veterinarians put screws into her shell and then wired it shut to close the wound. Lucy (that's what the people who found her named her) will be on antibiotics for about 90 days and we're using Chlorohexadine to Silvadene ointment to keep the wound clean and help it heal.

It's been a slow summer as far as nesting turtles go. We've only got 40 nests and we were expecting somewhere around 70. I doubt I'll find anything this summer but it's okay. It's still be a really rewarding summer. I just still can't believe I'm getting paid for this!

Our most recent nesting turtle on July 4th.

Mariana and I at a hatchling release

Go little baby!

I'll try to post more often, guys. It's hard with no internet.

our love is all we have.

Jeez, what to even say about the start of my summer... it's been unbelievable. Right off the bat I met Myrna who has quickly become a very close friend. My roommate is great, all the interns are great, my boss is great, the turtles are amazing. I still can't believe I'm getting paid to do what I do. Days at the facilities vary from day to day. We've been pretty busy most mornings and the afternoons slow down and we fill the time with lots of chatting, folding shirts and restocking gift shop items, and sitting on the railings. Patrol days are nice and give me time alone with my thoughts. We drive 32 miles down the beach on ATVs then 32 back. It takes six or seven hours and my thumb is usually killing me from holding down the gas for so long but I listen to my iPod and belt out songs on the deserted beach as I drive and it helps to pass the time. When I got to the jetties on my last patrol, I sat for a while and saw a lot of juvenile Green sea turtles in the water swiming around. I also saw two dolphins, which was incredibly exciting for me.

About two weeks ago Myrna and I were sent down to Rancho Nuevo, Mexico. It's the largest nesting ground for Kemp's Ridley sea turtles in the entire world. It was one of the best weeks of my life. We met so many amazing people, I was totally immersed in Mexican culture, and we were so fucking lucky and we got to see not one but TWO arribadas. For those that don't know, an arribada is a mass nesting of turtles. In the 40s there was an arribada of some 40,000 turtles at Rancho Nuevo. Our arribadas weren't nearly as big - Saturday we had 200 and Sunday we had 500. It was still a great experience. Lots of work and long hours in the sun but worth every minute. I'm just going to end it here because I can't even formulate the words to describe how much of an impact this trip had on me in multiple areas of my life. I picked up a ton of Spanish, tried new things, and broke down some barriers.

Our first nests hatched this past Saturday and luckily my dad and my brother were in town and got to see it. It was pretty cool, although I must admit it was a little anticlimactic for me because we saw so many hatchlings/releases while in Mexico.

Well, I wish I could even gather my thoughts enough to write all the little details that have made the past weeks so good. I need to update more often to avoid those moments just getting lost in my memory. The internet has been down at the facilities the past few days so it's been hard to get online. Right now I'm in Matamoros with Myrna at her house for the night and she has wireless so I'm trying to catch up on everything. We went out and had some authentic mexican tacos and a few beers at this little restaurant. She gave me a brief tour in the car and I must say, I really like the city. Now we're popping in Wizard of Oz and will probably sleep soon. This is bliss. And to make things even better, I get PAID tomorrow!

life is wonderful.

So I have been in South Padre since Friday. The drive down was long and it was good to finally arrive. I started training on Saturday and we went out on the ATVs for a bit, which was fun. Sunday was my first actual day of work and it went okay. I'm learning everything little by little. I had Monday off and slept 'till about 1pm. Then Abe and I headed to the beach for about half an hour. Not even two minutes after we had come back, he shows up at my trailer to tell me there is a nesting turtle over by this hotel just down the beach. So we book it down there, I don't even bother to change out of my bikini or put clothes on. So when we arrived, I got to experience my first nesting turtle. It was mega exciting. I got my picture taken with it just to be corny. Afterwards, we ended up having to go respond to yet another nesting sea turtle. So then I got to see ANOTHER one. This one I got to actually touch and hold on to while Adrienne and Abe did tagging and measuring and what not. Then Jeff and I found another nest. All in all we found four nests yesterday and it was a really great day off.

I've been at the hospital all day just cleaning tanks and sitting around. I have my first patrol tomorrow which I'm excited about. Seven hours of riding an ATV up and down the beach is going to be extremely tiring, though. I'm going to be slathering on the sunscreen.

So far I've been having a fantastic time. I like all the fellow interns and I'm really enjoying having the beach right in my backyard. My trailer isn't the nicest of homes, but it'll do. And I have plenty of extra space for visitors (2 extra beds plus a pull out couch) so come visit.

midnight on the beach in the mediterranean and i miss you, even here taking it all in.

I was just outside having a cigarette. It was drizzling outside and the raindrops felt amazing on my skin. The night was so quiet and as I puffed away, I just remembered how amazingly beautiful the world is. I had to share the moment with someone so I texted Justin. I figured he'd appreciate what I was saying.

I am feeling really good in my life. More honesty. More openness. More vulnerability. It's nice. I need to get back into my gym routine. It's been an off week.

My room is so bare. I took down all my posters in preparation for shipping back home. My shelves are slowly emptying as I pack things away. Organizing between what's staying here in storage, what's being shipped in boxes, and what is coming on the plane with me. My life has been so mobile the past few years. Moving in and out of places every six months or so isn't fun, necessarily. In fact, it's quite a pain in the ass. But it's still a nice feeling, getting ready to go back to a place that you love to see people you love.

We were all talking about how crazy time is. This time last year I was mentally preparing myself to head to Australia after what would turn out to be one of the best summers of my life. Hannah was planning her wedding. So weird. Time is one of those silent thieves, stealing the years out from under our noses. But through our losses of days and months and years, we gain so much.

To wrap this up, I guess I'll just state that I am going to (hopefully) see Incubus in concert on August 19th in Austin with Compton. I'm asking for two tickets for my birthday and my mom has already told me that she'd give me the money for 'em. I just have to keep my fingers crossed that I can actually get the tickets. They go on sale on the 16th and I'm going to buy them ASAP. I'm very much looking forward to that. I may eat mushrooms, but I'm undecided for a number of reasons. First of all, I've never been in a situation like that under the influence of psychedelic drugs. Second of all, if I have a bad trip, I will have nowhere to escape to besides to just leave and I don't want to ruin the entire concert by freaking out. On the other hand, should everything go according to plan, it would be an amazing experience. Who knows.

I will be home in four days.

you shock my soul.

Finals start for me tomorrow. I've been slacking for the past two weeks because I've had nothing to do and unfortunately, my mind has turned off and is in summer mode. I have to wake it up for the next two days. I have film studies tomorrow, then cell bio on Friday. Then I'm free. Lee is hopefully going to come up and visit between when I'm done with finals and when I head home on Wednesday, but we'll see if it actually happens.

I'm excited for the summer but I'm going to miss my friends desperately. Especially because some of them are graduating. I can't believe this time next year I will be the one graduating. Holy shit.

before you swim you've gotta be okay to sink.

Things have been really good lately. I'm officially done with work until finals. I just have to force myself to keep (start?) going to class. I got some really awesome pants yesterday. Dropped acid randomly on Friday. Getting excited about this summer. Lost about six pounds and getting in better shape. One downside is that I've started to bite my nails again.

I feel relaxed for the first time in a while.

drunken babble.

Pictures are so weird. Or maybe I'm just stoned. It's so strange to go through old pictures, whether they be from a year ago or a week ago. It's just... a moment captured in time. And as I look through them, I remember that exact moment, how I felt, what was happening, the story behind it. And as I look through pictures, all of these old memories come rushing back to me and it's almost overwhelming. It makes me realize how many good times I've had with friends, how much I appreciate everything that I have experienced, and it reminds me of the people that have helped me to become who I am now. Good and bad, both make me feel teary eyed.

I am an incredibly lucky human being.

flea market finds:

These are some of the random things I acquired this morning at the opening day of the Hollis, New Hampshire flea markets.

Some nice jars for putting shit in. Free.

A fantastic assortment of records. From left to right: The Eagles, Patsy Cline, The Steve Miller Band, The Bee Gees, Billie Holiday, The B-52's, and Madonna. $1 each (Madonna was $2).

An antique globe. $4.

Sweet new shades. $5.

Today was a good day with lovely weather. It almost made up for last night. Almost.

we go blind when we needed to see.

My head is killing me. I've had a headache for the past few hours and it doesn't seem to be letting up, even with some Advil. Bummer.

I'm starting to get really excited about the summer. I've been e-mailing with my boss, finalizing plans and what not. I'm going to get to South Padre around May 20th. I'll be sharing a mobile home with one other intern and we each get our own rooms which is nice. I'll have my training for the first week down there and then we're immediately heading down to Mexico. I don't know how long we'll be in Mexico for, but it's going to be brilliant. Man, I'm lucky.

Okay, I'm going to watch a movie and hit the hay now.

shimmy shimmy ya, shimmy yam, shimmy ya.

I'm using this weekend to get my health, my schoolwork, and my life in order. I'm avoiding my room so I'm not tempted to nap. Currently I'm in the MEWS with Arielle in one of the collaborative rooms. I have a list of things I want to get done today. Abnormal psychology essay (which was due Tuesday), my cell bio labs (which were due last week, the week before, and the week before that), and aside from that I want to do laundry and get my room cleaned. I think I did surprisingly well on my cell bio test this morning. Sonya and I studied until past 2am last night and we woke up, had breakfast together, and studied for about an hour this morning. I'm thoroughly exhausted, considering I didn't fall asleep until 5am, but I'm determined to push through and just go to bed at a decent hour this morning. I plan on being in the library until around 9pm, then I'll head back and do laundry, shower, and clean. Katy gets off work at around 11pm, I may pick her up and then we'll come back and jam for a while before retiring. I'm looking forward to not drinking this weekend.

I'm also doing a sort of cleanse. I'm fairly certain that part of the reason I've been feeling so run down is because I've been eating so much crap. For the next week I'm going to eat mostly raw, unprocessed foods - essentially a ton of fruits and veggies. I need to start going to the gym again, as well. There's a lot in my life I need to change but I just need to stay focused on what I really want and what is best for me. And just make it through the rest of the semester alive.

This was a relatively boring post for anyone reading, I'm sure. Oh well. Deal with it.

God, I'll be home in a month. Time never ceases to amaze me. Now I'm off to get some work done and listen to Andrew Bird.

sick and tired.

I'm falling so behind in school. I have not felt healthy in so long and the past two weeks have just been bad. I'm tired all the time and now I'm starting to feel achy and I've been getting night sweats and nausea. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm in tears right now. I just want to feel better. I want to not be so behind with all my work and I want to not sleep all day every day anymore. I don't see even see my friends really anymore. I just want to figure out what's wrong with me so I can fix it and be back to normal. I hate feeling stressed about school and I'm trying to keep up but my brain feels so clouded I just can't concentrate on anything. I need to get better. I need to keep up with my work or I'm just going to end up digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. I'm already stressed enough as is, that would be the last thing I need.

i wanna save you.

I need to find myself again. Reading old blog entries makes me nostalgic. I miss the past, but there is a lot of exciting stuff awaiting me in the future.

you should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes, it brought me back to life.

Wow. This spring break was, hands down, the best spring break ever. It was really just unbelievable.

The drive down wasn't too terrible. We drove for 22 hours straight. It was really neat because the entire drive essentially was overcast but the minute we crossed the Florida state line the sun came out. We stopped in Fort Lauderdale for the night and stayed with Christina's friend, Tyrone. The next morning we got up and headed an hour and a half south down to Key Largo. We checked into our campsite (which was fondly nicknamed 'the cabbage patch'), got our buoyancy compensators and regulators, and proceeded to headed directly to the pool to swim and tan. It was so fantastic.

Our first day of diving was Monday morning. The 6am wake up call was pretty brutal, but the prospect of diving in the ocean for the first time made it a little more bearable. We had breakfast and then headed to the dive shop. All of this became such a routine for us over the course of the week. Wake up early as hell, grab a bite to eat, go to the shop, check the tanks, put together our scuba units, enjoy the boat ride out to whichever site was planned for the day, suit up in our wetsuits, wiggle into the unit, and giant stride off the back of the boat and go diving for an hour or so. Then, we'd come back on the boat, switch tanks, and do it again. When the second dive was done, we'd break down the units, get halfway out of our wetsuits, and would sit up on the sun deck and smoke cigarettes on the ride back to the dock. Then, finishing our diving for the day around 1pm usually, we'd spend the rest of the afternoon drinking beer, smoking, tanning, and enjoying all that our quaint little campsite and our new friends had to offer.

I had forgotten how much I love to camp, as well. It was so nice to be out there in the mangrove wilderness, half naked (spending the majority of my time in my bathing suit), being unshowered and relatively apathetic about it. It was so relaxing not having to worry about anything. The area was so nice, too. Minus the racoons that tormented us basically every night of the week. The first night at the campsite, I woke up at 4:30am to the sound of plastic bags rustling. I look up and see an effing racoon with its body halfway through a hole that it had clawed in the mesh window of the tent, its little paw wrapped around a bag of hot dog buns, attempting to pull it out of the tent. It was a little startling and I didn't know what to do so I just sort of laid there and watched it work for about half an hour. Probably not my best decision ever, but I was freaked, okay? Over the course of the week, the racoons also ate a can of baked beans and about 30 dollars worth of deli meat. Jerks.

The diving was amazing. It was a little scary for the first dive, especially because the seas were a bit choppy and the waves were kind of big. Nevertheless, we survived and had a great time. For the first three days we just did two shallow dives a day. This included sites like the Winch Hole on Molasses Reef, Snapper Ledge on French Reef, and the Benwood wreck. It was so amazing to be swimming along with fish and reef just surrounding you. The third day was definitely the most exciting as far as spotted fauna goes. Within the first five minutes of the dive, Jo and I had seen a sea turtle and a nurse shark. By the end of the dive, we had seen another sea turtle, a HUGE grouper, and a spotted eagle ray that had a 'wingspan' of atleast 11 feet. It was unbelievable. Thursday were our night time dives, which were kind of scary but we stuck relatively close to the boat. Friday was our deep dive, followed by a shallow dive. The deep dive was mildly horrifying. The current was strong that day and as we were going down the line 80 feet below the surface to the wreck, we were waving like flags in the wind. Not to mention the fire coral growing on the line and the bubbles from everyone's breathing that were completely overtaking my field of vision. We were supposed to have about 15 minutes to spend on the wreck but we only spent about 3 minutes down there because one of the girls in my group started to have ear problems and we ended up surfacing because of it. I was a little bummed but definitely glad to get back on the boat. The entire dive was just incredibly stressful.

So I know this is getting lengthy, but I feel like there is just so much I could say about this trip. It was enlightening. It was invigorating. I feel like it brought me back to life. I made some great new friends, grew to know and love the ladies I came with, and, once I pass my written exam, I will officially have an advanced scuba certification. Plus I got a good amount of sun. Not too shabby for nine days in March. I'm hoping to get some diving in when I'm living in SPI this summer. We'll see...

Here are a few photos from the trip:

Giant striding off the back of the boat.

Jo and I.

Thumbs up.

School of fish at Snapper Ledge

ready, set, go!

I'm off to Key Largo. Wish me luck on the 30 hour drive.

feel the music change your mind.

What a great day. I thought it was going to be terrible because I only got three hours of sleep last night & I had a hard time staying awake during my classes. Luckily, my film studies class let out a little bit early. I went and grabbed lunch with my fantastic, beautiful friends and afterwards I was planning on crashing out for a few hours. Arielle convinced me to go to the library to work on our psychology midterms, though. I actually made quite a bit of progress on it - I’m at about 4.5 pages out of 6. Not too shabby. I worked for about five hours, grabbed dinner, then went to the gym and repeated my run/swim routine. It felt good. Gabi bought me an italian soda at Raos on my walk back towards the dorms. I went over to Katy’s, smoked a bit, and we played an improvised, 2 player rendition of Apples to Apples, which resulted in us creating such phrases as “extreme Celine Dion”.

And here is the icing on the cake - I come back to my room about 10 minutes ago, check my e-mail, only to find that I officially have been offered the sea turtle internship! I’m so, so, so excited. I really can’t stress that enough. I’m going to be spending my summer living on South Padre, which is an awesome place with nice beaches/surfing/sun, saving sea turtles & getting paid to do it.

I also checked my mail today and found that I have received my first set of personal checks ever! I feel like such an adult. I know, I know. I'm a little behind everyone else probably. That's okay. I still feel cool. I can't wait to write one.

Side note: I now have a Tumblr account. Find me here.

Life is good.

as your ghost takes flight.

I keep having dreams about him & it's really starting to annoy me.

I'm not even going to start about that, though. Here are some things that have been going on in my life as of late:

+ heard back from Sea Turtle Inc. & I am one of five final applicants competing for three internship positions. Wish me luck.
+ been working out pretty much every day and it feels great.
- hip flexor keeps getting aggravated.
+ heading to sunny Key Largo, FL in less than a week and I can't wait.
+ finally doing laundry.
+ spring is here (?). I don't want to jinx this...
- been feeling slightly empty.
- way too much homework.
+ still truckin'.

and she says "i like long walks and sci-fi movies".

At this moment, I am finding just about anything to do that isn't my psychology essay (which is due at 8:35am tomorrow morning). I'm so tired of school. Burnt out.

break out the winter clothes & find a love to call your own.

I'm sitting in bed in my underwear listen to John Mayer's "Room for Squares" album and it's bringing me back hardcore. High school, Matt, making mistakes, growing up. It's a weird feeling. I've come so far and I'm feeling ready to go farther. I had a really good conversation with my friends tonight and Katy mentioned that she wanted to have a clearer focus in her life. She basically took the words right out of my mouth. I have been feeling this way for so long. I'm really ready for a change and I'm ready to work for it.

This might not make sense to anyone else, but that's okay.

i'm on the cross.

I've been feeling relatively unhappy as of late. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it's just PMS, but even my period has been fucked up and off schedule. I feel like most of it is stemming from my body image. I don't know what my deal is. I'm just tired of being chubby, I suppose. All my friends are thin yet still complain about their weight so how am I supposed to feel?

Okay, I'll stop bitching and go to the gym now.

12:34 strikes again.

I never post anymore. I should really change that but I feel like I never have time to sit down and update. Therefore when I do finally get around to it, the posts tend to be lengthy.

This weekend was pretty good. Thursday we went to the WMHC dance thing, which was okay. Friday was a pretty laid back evening spent in the suite making music with the gals. Saturday Roy and Andrew came in from Boston and Jason came from New Hampshire to see Katy. We bought a rather large bottle of tequila and went out dancing. I had a fantastic time. The boys were going to stay until Monday but ended up leaving this evening, which was fine with me because I desperately needed to do some homework and take a shower and have some alone time. Today was a really good day. We played some Guitar Hero, some Katamari (which I've decided is a fantastically brilliant yet mindless game), and just hung out. We watched this really amazing drumming/beat video called Pulse. It made me think of William. Maybe I'll buy it for him for his birthday, whenever that is. It had all these songs and dances from different places all over the world. It reminded me of why I love music so much. It's really a universal language. Quite a beautiful thing. It makes me proud to be a musician, even if I am fairly amateur.

I finally got the shower I desperately needed, did my online Cell Bio quiz, and now I'm curled up in bed with the computer on my lap. I'm working on a new song. It just came to me as I was walking into my room tonight. I like it so far. I'm feeling really good about my music. Everyone seems to be liking it and I've got Katy helping me out with viola/djembe/background vocals in a couple of songs, too. I'm really glad that I've been jamming as much as I have this semester.

I'm really actually feeling good about just about everything right now. I really can't think of a time before when I've been this happy in my own skin, my own life. It feels unbelievable. Every day I'm still just amazed at how much I changed from my time in Australia. I laugh louder, I put my heart into things more, and I feel more passionate about life. A girl couldn't ask for me.

And on that note, I'm going to retire to some Deer Tick, some Facebook, and some sleep.

what do you really want?

DUDE. Seriously. I am so over all the bullshit.

So I received a message this morning from a friend back home which states that someone told her something I had said(which was very obviously just in an attempt to stir things up and create conflict). Granted, it was something that I had, indeed, said. But I was drunk at the time and, looking back from a sober viewpoint, I realized that I definitely did not feel the way that I had claimed to feel, accepted that, and moved on. MONTHS LATER, someone decided to voice this to said friend. And the web continues. I actually just realized that I don't even care to go into this in anymore detail. I just don't care, period. I'm pretty much done with a lot of people back home, I'm thinking. There's too much immature crap entangled in these relationships and I don't really wish to be a part of it. Dumb ass shit.

So anyways, school has been fantastic. I've been struggling a bit academically, but I'm sure once I get back into the swing of things I'll have an easier time. Scuba diving class has been a lot of fun. On Thursday, we learned how to build the scuba unit and then we got in the pool (only in the shallow end, though) and learned how to find a lost regulator and put it back in your mouth, and how to clear water out of our masks without surfacing. I'm also thinking of using the credit on my financial account and putting it towards a Key Largo scuba trip during Spring Break. We'd go down with a big group of students from UMass, camp out, have five days of diving (including normal dives, deep sea dives, and night time dives!), and I'd get my advanced scuba certification. Sounds bomb to me, yo. I'm still trying to convince the parents, though.

Last night we stayed in and hung out in the suite. I brought over my guitar and we played music and talked and laughed and it was a lot of fun. I broke down and smoked a couple of cigarettes and also pretty much pigged out when I got back to my room, but oh well. I'm ready to move on today. I want to go to the gym but I'm still feel a twinge hungover so that'll have to wait. We may be going to Vermont today to visit Ryan, but as of now I'm not sure where we stand with that whole situation.

OH. I almost forgot. Yesterday, Katy and I went to the gym and Chiara was there for a squash class. We went upstairs to use the cardio equipment. Half an hour later, this woman comes running upstairs yelling "IS ANYONE UP HERE NAMED KATY OR NINA?!" I had my headphones on so I didn't hear this, but I was relayed the information later. So I'm on the treadmill, totally oblivious, and I see Katy speedily going to grab her stuff and she's talking with the woman. I give her a strange look and she starts to tell me what the deal is. I take off my headphones and she says "Chiara got hurt, I have to drive her to the hospital". I jumped off the treadmill immediately and go with her. Turns out Chiara had dislocated her shoulder. So we drove her to the hospital and were there for about two hours. This awesome girl from Hampshire who volunteers there showed up with arts and crafts so we were thoroughly entertained while we were waiting, though.

And last, but not least, there are two new songs up on my Myspace, so go check them out here: www.myspace.com/ninacardenasmusic. Ciao!

tell me how come no one gets what they really want? we love only when it's convenient.

I have a lot of reading to do and I'm wiped but here's a brief (and boring) list of what's been happening:

- I can't stop listening to the song "A Soft Hum" by As Tall As Lions. It's so good.
- My knee may or may not be fucked (again). But I went running today anyways. Ran 2.5 miles yesterday but only ran one today and walked for 25 minutes, as well.
- Quitting smoking. Wish me luck.
- Enjoying my classes and even am trying to keep up with the reading and homework.
- Went to bed at 9:30pm last night while trying to watch Caddyshack and slept until 10am today.
- Busy days = a happy Nina.
- I want to write more songs. Lee inspires me.
- Weekend, come faster plz.
- Life is just fucking amazing, in general.

That's pretty much the gist of it. Now I'm off to do reading about structural theory. Cool? Maybe, maybe not. I'll let you know.

you were so right when you said that i'd been drinking.

So I've been back at school for about a week now. The first week was good. It was awesome to see everybody again. Classes started Thursday and I still have to work out a few kinks in my schedule but the semester seems like it will be a promising one. My classes are good, relationships are good, life is good. I'm not even letting the cold get to me as much.

Katy and I ventured to Boston this weekend. She went to meet up with Jason and I went to visit Lee. It was fantastic to see him again. Every time I hang out with him I'm just reminded how effing cool that kid is. I stole almost 6000 songs from him, which brings my library up to over 8000. Movin' on up, eh? The weekend really was awesome, though. Lee has wonderful roommates, we played music and drank copious amounts of alcohol, watched Boogie Nights, and Lee cooked me his delicious potatoes FOUR times in twenty four hours. I had a blast and am already thinking of going back sometime in the near future.

I wish I could write more details about everything that has been going on since I've been back in the Northeast but a) I have homework to do and b) I'm seriously exhausted and can't think well. I'll try to post more often. I swear.

twenty ways to see the world, twenty ways to start a fight.

I can't believe I'm actually leaving town (again) tomorrow. This break has flown by and it's been great but I'm ready to get back to school. It's been some nine months or so since I've seen anyone from up there. The reunion shall be glorious.

The last twenty four hours were amazing and shitty. Shitty first, then amazing. My external hard drive (which contained countless movies, 10,000 songs, seasons 1-4 of Lost, seasons 1-3 of It's Always Sunny, all of Freaks and Geeks, etc) took a fall Friday night and unfortunately, died from it. The data recovery was going to be anywhere from $600 - $1600 (which, needless to say, is fucking ridiculous and way too expensive) so I purchased a replacement hard drive and am starting from scratch. The guy at Altex was so badass, though. He was like "Look, this thing is fucked. But what music did you have on it?" I told him I had a ton of shit - rap, indie, classic rock, trip-hop, and the like. So he told me to make a list of some stuff that I would want back and he's going to burn me a ton of music from his 700+ gig personal music collection. Awesome.

Last night the mustache party was a hit. Except most people didn't even show up in mustaches. No fun. Mine was pretty awesome, I looked like Yosemite Sam. We had a good crowd here, the boys played a set, I said my goodbyes to some people, and I made up with Alton. It's good to not be on bad terms anymore.

Today, my schedule will consist of:
- packing
- laundry
- rebuilding my music library
- anticipating my long awaited return to massivetwoshits.

smoke-free texas.

I was driving home from a lunch date today and as I lit up my habitual post-meal cigarette, a commercial came on the radio about passing legislation to ban smoking. "Fight for everyone's right to breath clean air". Wait, what? What about my right to smoke? And besides that, breathing clean air is something that we don't have the luxury of anymore. If you really want to fight for clean air, how about you stop polluting it with your cars and factories. Cigarette smoke is the least of our worries.

And while I'm ranting, I'm going to move on to the fact that I'm going to have to quit smoking weed if I get my job at Sea World. That annoys me. I don't smoke a ton, but when I want to I want to be able to and not have to worry about my job being at risk. I am more than qualified for the job - I've interned at an aquarium before, I'm studying biology, I'm smart, and I'm hard working. The fact that I smoke weed doesn't change any of that. So why should my job be on the line because of it?

And why can't I wear my piercings at work? And why should I hide my tattoos? Are they offending you? Once again, why do the smallest features or characteristics of me determine how qualified or employable I am. I am who I am and I love my body art and I don't like feeling like it is going to be a deterrent in my employment.

Society is just bringing me down, man.

i wanna know, have you ever seen the rain?

I'm anticipating the upcoming days to be quite hectic. In between now and Monday, I'll be going to Sea World to apply for a job, heading to Hondo to visit Mike, having lunch with Mrs. Hummel, hitting up Austin one last time, packing, cleaning, laundry-ing, planning, and getting as much quality time in with my friends and family as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to get one more book read in the next four days, as well. It's doubtful, but I'm going to aim high. I finished "Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates" today and it was very, very good. I liked it more than "Jitterbug Perfume" but less than "Another Roadside Attraction". I also wrote a new song today. I'm thinking that it will be titled "Lullaby", or something along those lines.

Anyways, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow so it's about time I hit the hay. Goodnight world.

turn up the signal, wipe out the noise.

Phwew. It feels really good to get that off my chest.

It's funny, I wrote my last entry on Saturday and was planning on having a quiet night. Then, very spontaneously, we got a hold of some mushrooms. Justin, Ricky, Kim, Thomas, Kelsey, Brady, Paul, Ben, and I ate varying doses and had a damn good time. By 4am, the group had thinned to just Ben, Justin, Ricky, Thomas, and I. We ate a few oranges and talked until 5am, at which point I came inside to try to sleep, but was unsuccessful until 9am. It was a really good night and I'm glad that it was able to happen before I left for school (for which the countdown is up to six days now!). Speaking of that, I shipped all my stuff up today. It was kind of sad taking some of my posters down to send up there, but also exciting because I'll have a fresh, new room to decorate to my liking.

And now, I'm struggling to drift off to sleep yet again tonight. No matter how exhausted I am, I can't seem to sleep until 3am. I've got to get back on some sort of a schedule ASAP because waking up for classes is going to be mighty painful otherwise.

I'm calling SeaWorld tomorrow to see about getting some sort of badass job this summer. Fingers crossed.

find a brand new way of seeing, your eyes forever glued to mine.

Staying in and having a quiet Saturday is proving to be a good idea. I've been in my pajamas all day, packing up some boxes and cleaning out my drawers, listening to my iTunes on shuffle and realizing how much good music I have in my library that does not get listened to enough. The past two days have been chock full of Slain Monarch shows, with Thursday up in Austin and last night at the Warhol. Regardless, I never get tired of hearing their music. For anyone who doesn't know already, the link to their myspace is www.myspace.com/slainmonarch. Which actually reminds me, I made a music Myspace for my stuff, as well. The link is: www.myspace.com/ninacardenasmusic. Anybody reading this should definitely check out both pages for some nice tunes.

My stomach is slightly upset. I attribute that to the consumption of beer last night, plus the Mama Margie's afterward. Ugh, I feel like all I do is eat. I can't wait to get back to school and get back on some sort of a schedule.(and also have access to a gym!). The lack of any structure in my life is driving me nuts. Nine days. Well, eight if you don't count the rest of the evening. Which I won't for all intents and purposes.

My bed is looking mighty enticing so I think I'll go crawl in and try to get a good chunk of "Fierce Invalids from Hot Climates" read.

pot kettle pot kettle black. talk that talk that smack.

Despite all the bullshit that has been going on, I am actually surprisingly happy. I know that I have amazing friends that treat me well and I have a fantastic brother.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Very relaxed. I spent my afternoon doing a total clean of my room. We organized my desk, my bookshelf, swept up SO much dirt from the floors (which I'm attributing my sickness to partially), changed my sheets and cleaned the windows. It felt so good to have my room be so spotless.

After dinner, Kim came over to hang out and I wrote a new song. We headed to Ampus temporarily but it was fucking cold so we ended up going to Jim's with Justin and Ricky. Justin bought me a delicious cup of Jim's coffee. Then, after running some quick errands, he dropped me off at my place and I went to sleep shortly thereafter.

Today I would like to run some errands of my own. I need to go to HEB to use the CoinStar machine and I need to buy boxes so I can start thinking about shipping some stuff up to school. Speaking of which, I am absolutely excited to get back up there and see all my lovely friends again.

i'm alive but i feel mostly dead.

Something isn't right. I've been trying to keep everything bottled up and in the far reaches of my mind/memory in the hopes that it will all just disappear but instead, everything just blew up in my face. I've pushed away some of the people that care about me the most. I'm alone. I feel completely alone.

When I got on that plane and left Australia, something died inside of me. The flame that burned and kept me going was blown out. I'm just a zombie now. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. Social interactions? No thanks. I feel like I'm just spiraling down, down, down. I've lost sight of everything that I care about and I just feel apathetic about everything. Mostly I just want to sleep. All the time. Maybe that's what I'll do until I get back up to school. Maybe the change of scenery will be good for me. Maybe not. I'll guess I'll just have to wait and see. Until then, I'll probably just be catching an excessive amounts of zzz's...

i'm not sorry i met you, i'm not sorry it's over, i'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

The days are ticking down until I head back up to Massachusetts. This break has flown by just as fast as the five months in Australia did. Sometimes I just want to take a step back and breathe, but of course, life doesn't always permit that. Because I'm leaving again in 18 days, I have to start thinking about packing and shipping stuff up there and all that nonsense. It's such a hassle, I wish I could pay someone to do it for me. I am, however, really looking forward to seeing everyone up in the Northeast again.

I also went to the doctor the other day to have my knee checked out. I've got to get an MRI to figure out exactly what the problem is, but the doc thinks it's more than likely my meniscus. Hopefully no surgery or anything drastic will be needed. Keep your fingers crossed.

My brother, Deena, and I had a fun experience the other night. We ended up sitting on my deck, wrapped in blankets, playing music and talking and chain smoking. I had a really good time. It's always nice to be reminded how great the world can be and how much I appreciate the people in it.

I wrote another song last night. Maybe at some point I'll get some recordings or videos put together and post them here. I'm thinking of making a Myspace, as well. Hmm.

will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged.

Fuck. Why is it that I can make so much progress in pushing him to the back of my mind but in an instant it can all come rushing back? Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. I don't know why I let it get to me because I know it doesn't matter to him. Nothing that happened does apparently. I just don't get it. I don't get why he said the things he said and then why he just stopped being in touch. It hurts and I don't want it to anymore. I'm tired of it. And it's not worth it. And fuck him. You know what, fuck him. He doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve this. His loss. Right?

Either way, I just want his ghost to disappear so I can move on.

i might and you might, but neither of us do.

Phwew. So here we are in 2009. Last night was a success, I'd say. There was a good group of people there, including a lot of people that I hadn't seen in ages. I drank a little too much red wine... well, maybe WAY too much red wine, and I'm paying for it today. I'm ready to start this year with a clean slate and am definitely through with drinking for the most part.

You know, it's strange. I can't even remember last new years really. It seems so long ago. I suppose it was, I mean a year is a considerable amount of time. But for as long as it is, it sure seems to fly by damn fast. 2008 was quite a year. I think I really started to figure out who I am, what I'm about, and what I truly want and need in my life. I fell in love. I went to Australia and found out I had more independence that I had ever thought. I met so many awesome people and really started to immerse myself in music (thanks largely to the influences of my brother and friends). I changed immensely and learned that I have to stick up for myself, even when it breaks my heart. I learned that you really can't judge a book by it's cover and became best friends with people I didn't really see myself ever becoming close with. I gained more confidence and security in myself. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone so many times and benefited so much from it. I got pierced and tattooed more than I probably should have. I jumped out of an airplane 14,000 feet in the air. I drummed until I blistered. I found myself in places I never thought to look. There were good times and bad times. Tears were shed and I laughed until my abs hurt and I couldn't breath.

2008 was, without a doubt, a landmark year for me. And now the transition into 2009 somewhat represents the transition that is to come in my life. I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel like I finally have all the tools to mold my life into everything I've wanted and I'm ready to seize opportunities that arise and work for my goals. I'm so excited to see where this next year takes me.