i can honestly say..

...that for the first time in forever, I am truly happy. I am happy with myself, I am happy with my life, and I am grateful for the people in it.

when it comes, it comes unannounced and it feels like a matador is taunting me with his reddest red cloak and i am the bull.

I keep having this weird, recurring, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-esque dream where I'm in a mental hospital and the main nurse really hates me. Every time I have the dream (which has to be at least seven times by now) it's a different hospital and it's like I end up there again and the bitchy nurse is getting really annoyed with me. Last night, she wouldn't even allow me to eat. What a hoe. But then, in the end, I always end up escaping by flying away and she runs after me and tries to catch me but I'm always victorious. Except I did start to get attacked by a dog as I was flying around a neighborhood. Hmmmm.

Dreams are weird. Portal to your subconscious, our minds can come up with some pretty random shit.

Still sore from kickboxing on Friday but I'm going back for seconds tonight.

i truly admire and love this man.

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard & you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. Amazing things will happen."

-Conan O'Brien

What a class act.

you should be daaaaaaancing, yeah!

Phwew. So much has been going on. Been up at school for j-term, having a really good time. Taking a pilates class and a wellness class and have been going to the zumba classes. Needless to say I've been getting a lot of exercise and it feels great. Medina and I heard back about the Park Street apartment and were so excited to hear that we got it! We moved in this past Friday and it's really been coming together nicely. I absolutely love it. It's really nice to be able to be on my own eating schedule, especially. I want to get some recipes and try cooking new things now that I have a kitchen. The whole apartment is really cute. Kathy and Carlo came over for dinner tonight, Kathy's treat. She made spaghetti and I put together a simple salad. It was delicious.

I've also decided to do Sea Turtle Inc. again this summer. I figure I have a year off, I may as well at least start it off on the right foot and earn some money. Plus, Brooke and Mariana are coming back as well and they're always a pleasure to be around.

Life is just peachy. Really, I feel so amazingly content and happy and productive and well. My final semester of college starts on the 27th. It's surreal but I'm looking forward to all of these years of schooling finally coming to an end. At least temporarily.

If anyone is reading this, tell me something good. Something that is good in your life, something that makes you happy, something that you're proud of, whatever. Happiness is best when shared.

finding beauty in the dissonance.

And thus begins 2010. Another year down. A decade ago, I spent my New Year's Eve at my old house with my eighth grade friends lighting potato chips on fire with sparklers (and eventually lighting my back lawn on fire, as well...). This New Year's Eve was spent with good friends fighting the cold and wind underneath the carport of the house that we have now been living in for almost eight years. I leave back for school on Sunday and the fact that the next time I return I will be a college graduate really weirds me out. People keep asking me what comes next and I respond honestly: "I have no idea." It's nice. A bit frightening, but exciting. Who knows what else lays ahead. For the past 22 years I've always had a plan for what's next, albeit very loose plans. This time, I really don't know what's next. Only time will tell.

I haven't worked out in almost three weeks and I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym. I bought a new pair of running shoes over break so I'm hoping that it helps the knee problems that were starting to kick in before break. I'm glad I'm not staying in Texas for all of January. I just generally get sidetracked, bored, and I stray from productive things when I'm here. It will be a challenge to keep myself productive and healthy when I move back in May, especially as far as working out/eating well goes. It's just so hard when there is a fridge full of homemade chili or pasta, ya know? It will be nice to be able to swim, though!

Well, happy new year to everybody that is reading this. I hope 2010 brings you happiness, prosperity, laughter, and growth. I'm dedicating this year to myself, focusing on what I need to do to better myself, to feel proud of all of my decisions and actions, and finding peace and acceptance within.

i met you at the bloodbank.

It feels so great to be home again. My home is beautiful. My family is amazing. I'm realizing a lot of things. I can't do what everyone wants me to do anymore. I have to make choices based on what I want. Life is too short. I've grown up. I've changed. I am a young adult that needs to do what's good for her (and my concept of what's good for me has peaked in the past fix or six months). I'm really lucky to have a brother like I do. We had great conversations tonight. Family is so important. And everything works out in the end if you make it. It's a choice, an effort. Make your life what you want it to be. The possibilities are endless. Think about something you don't like about your life. Now go and change it, transform it into something you can be happy with. Something you can be proud of. It's in your power, you decide what your life will be. And I'm finally getting a clear, healthy view of what I want my life to be, who I want to be.

I am exhausted. A long day of traveling and multiple almost-sleepless nights in a row has left my brain a little scattered. I'm excited to wake up tomorrow, home.

so what if i'm a day late?

Things I am thankful for:

- parents

- brother

- friends

- music

- my guitar

- education

- laughter

- life

Thanksgiving was good. Crystal had a little get together at her apartment in Northampton so we went and drank red wine and ate delicious butternut squash soup. I'm still on campus, ended up not going to NY. Been feeling a bit under the weather so I thought it best I just stick around and rest up. I rearranged my room, I've been watching lots of internet TV, playing a ton of guitar, and enjoying chain smoking sessions with Medina. Heading back to Texas in three weeks. Can't believe how fast the semester flew by (I say that constantly, the concept of time is mind boggling to me!). Looking forward to home, music, birthdays, doggies, and mommy daughter shopping. K, off for some guitar and some Big Love.