look out, the world's destroying ya. relax, it isn't far.

The past month has been really amazing. I've been significantly happier, none of the ups and downs I've grown somewhat used to. I've been eating well and drinking less and working out and getting my life together. I ran five miles today. I was extremely proud of myself. It's the most I've ever run in my entire life. I've been drinking a ton of seltzer. And watching a ton of Conan O'Brien and falling in love with him even more, haha. Been experimenting more with guitar, writing more stuff, playin' around. It's fun. Hoping to get more time to jam with Katy. The other day we were sitting on the porch at Joslyn's house and she told me that I inspired her so much and I was extremely flattered. I don't think anyone has ever really told me that. I'm listening to Built to Spill right now. They're really fucking good, I'm not sure why I haven't listened to them before. I know it's only 9pm but I think I'm going to crawl into bed and watch last night's episode of Conan and doze off.

My thoughts are all over the place tonight.

"i cried when i had no shoes, until i met a man who had no feet. then i laughed... really hard."

I had some weekend. Mostly just Friday. After some convincing I was dragged to a Vegas Night party mostly sober, was surrounded by wasted girls, got ditched by my friend who threw a drink on her ex, ate a weed brownie, then had to walk back from Silver Street alone at 1am, which resulted in a huge blister on my heel. I was pissed as hell by the end of the night for a number of reasons, but whatevzzzzzzzzz. Over it. Spent my Saturday night stoned as hell. Went for an adventure to Amherst and saw multiple drunk assholes tackling each other on the sidewalk. Overall, it was a decent weekend.

I've been doing the whole gym thing for a little over two weeks now and I feel great. Definitely more in touch with my body and how I feel physically. Mentally I feel good, too. Bam. I'm really starting to like my hair a lot now. It's pretty sweet. I've been doing a lot of thrifting lately. Got an AMAZING fur coat for twelve dollars. I don't care how ridiculous I look, I'm wearing it all winter. It is warm as fuck. I also got a neat lampshade and a guitar case that my fucking guitar doesn't even fit in. Bummer. It was really badass, too. I feel happy. Content. And it's been constant for the past few weeks. None of that up and down shit. Feeling more comfortable expressing myself. Planning for the future. Keeping up with the present. Learning from the past. Anticipating what lies ahead. Discussing possibly getting an apartment with the brother dude. Contemplating moving to California/Alaska. Driving cross country is still a possibility. Sea Turtle Inc. this summer again maybe. Working on my resume, working on my future, working on my life. And of course, using fewer complete sentences...

Strangers with Candy calls.

lord i was born a ramblin' man.

I wish people wouldn't get so wrapped up in things. I just want to say "hey, it's okay. it's going to be okay. Relax." So I do. And no one listens. Things are funny. I'm enjoying being alive. It's been absolutely beautiful up here in the Pioneer Valley. I learned a funny story the other week. Jeffrey Amherst, the man that the town and college are named after, was actually a total douche bag. A seemingly kind gesture: he gave the Native Americans blankets. Nice guy, right? Wrong. He purposefully gave them blankets infested with smallpox. And he was honored by having a town and Ivy league school named after him. I guess it only seems appropriate when I look at all the people that go to Amherst. Crude generalization, yes. But I have yet to really been proven wrong.

I've been sick the past few days. It sucks. Being sick usual does.

Mid-semester break starts Friday. I'm not going to do shit with myself. Just going to enjoy the free time and the weather. Saturday I'll be going to Boston for Hannah's Edith Piaf themed birthday party. I have no fucking idea what to wear.

My life has been guitar guitar guitar homework cigarettes gym guitar sleep gym class labs. Happiness, essentially. I feel freer than I have in a while and it is a beautiful thing. I don't feel tied down to too much and the responsibilities that I do have I thoroughly enjoy. Doing well in school, keeping up with work, trudging my way through senior year. I still can't believe it.

I want to start writing more often. Less inhibited, less censored. I'm working my way towards baring my soul to the world. And doing it without the search for acceptance is a lovely thing. Here I am. This is me. Take it or leave it, no skin off my back.

I type really fucking fast. It's ridiculous.

the times, they are a'changing.

That they are, Bobby. That they are.

The school year started off rough but things have been on an upward slope. Reflection is key. Guitar playing is my escape from the world. Opening up to people has been amazing. Stronger friendships, stronger passions, stronger Nina. Making senior year count. Focusing on myself. It's time to get selfish. My dorm room is cozy but smells like feet. My feet. I don't particularly mind, though. Showers are getting less frequent. Eating more vegetables, fewer processed foods. Still need to get my ass to the gym. Bought a bike. It's a classic. Trying new things, new foods, new friendships, new resolutions, new approaches to life. No more shitty, watery beer. No more booze in excessive amounts. Clear mind, healthy body, happiness. Goals have been set. Homework has been done. Fingers have been calloused to the point of no return.

It's your life. You only get one shot at this thing. Reach out and grab it. Mold it, decorate it, make it yours. Sometimes it will get chipped, cracked, or completely smashed but you just pick up the pieces and start over and learn to be more careful with something so delicate. Sometimes it needs more than some gum and a safety pin to put it back together, though.

Do what's right. Do what makes you happy. Hopefully they coincide but if not, take a chance. Weigh your options.

After graduation, I will either a) move to Alaska b) drive cross country aimlessly (company will be welcome) or c) go live in Europe somewhere. I can tell you that I will NOT be doing d) complying with my parents wishes to continue with my education. I need to let loose. No school, no constants, just new people, places, experiences, adventures. I will become a vagabond of sorts. On the road to somewhere, going nowhere. Temporary hiatus from so called "real life". What is life even about anyways? Money? Power? I really hope not. In fact, I know it's not. So why are so many people convinced that gaining both is equivalent to success? Maybe I'll figure things out along the way. I'm on the verge of something. I can feel an energy building inside of me, itching to break free from everything I know.

Change is my God. What is yours?

it's so much better when everyone is in. are you in?

Life is so full of beauty everywhere. It's really been apparent to me lately. The new people I've met, the old friends I've caught up with, the music everywhere. The sunlight and the laughter and the grass and listening to Incubus while laying on wood floors in an empty living room. The Incubus concert was unbelievable. They are even more so my favorite band now. The concert was amazing. I can't stop talking about it. I hung out with Josh for the majority of it. We pushed our way into the middle of the crowd, dead center in front of the stage. It was hotter than hell and everyone was pushing and jumping and screaming. I was drenched in sweat and thought I was going to vomit from the heat but I stayed there the entire concert and I just pushed and jumped and screamed with the 4400 other people around me. I already can't wait to see them again.

I want to practice guitar more and get a clearer view of things. It's time for me to grow up on move on from old habits. I have a hard time doing it, though. It's just going to take work and effort and time but I feel myself moving in a good direction. I'm actually very much looking forward to getting back to school and finishing up my college career and starting to work out again and jamming with Katy and helping establish the Golden God Art Collective with my brilliant, motivated, creative, beautiful friends.

We're all on the verge of something big. It's time for a breakthrough.

you may have bent me, but you cannot break me.

There are less than two weeks remaining in my internship. This has been quite a summer. I feel incredibly lucky to have taken part in some of the things that I've been able to. I feel that my work has actually made a difference in the world, in the lives of the turtles, and in my life. This wasn't the easiest summer, I struggled with relationships, insane bouts of boredom in my days off, and hard work. But I can easily say that this was the most satisfying summer I've ever had. I earned money, did exceptional work, met new people, and pushed my own boundaries. And most importantly, I didn't give up, even when things got hard. I'm proud of myself for the work that I've done and the knowledge that I've gained. I'm grateful for this experience and I feel honored to have taken part in such an amazing organization full of wonderful people.

On another note, we released Jenny, the loggerhead this afternoon. It was a little sad but mostly I just felt happy for her that she was going back to her home. We watched her quickly make her way past the breaking waves and I was kind of overcome with emotions. This was an excellent way to see the summer winding down.

I probably won't get around to posting again until after I'm back home so I'll catch you guys later.

"now give us back our baby so we can paint it."

I'm lying in the hotel bed watching Good Morning America. My mom is leaving town today. It's been a nice visit. Last night we barbecued with Terry and Linda, the older couple that has the trailer next to mine. It was fun and the food was delicious.

A loggerhead sea turtle had come in on Monday after being found floating around by the jetties. It had been hit by a boat probably three or four days earlier. The propeller had hit the turtle's head and carapace. It was pretty bad but were were feeling hopeful about it's recovery. Unfortunately, yesterday afternoon as we were closing up, we noticed the turtle had died. We wanted to figure out the cause of death was so we ended up doing a necropsy. It was the first time I'd done anything like that. I never even dissected a full animal in high school or anything. So we cut open part of the plastron and cut the skin around the flippers. We removed the plastron entirely and got to see all of the bloody insides. It was really, really cool. We found that the intestines had been perforated by a fish bone, which was more than likely the cause of all the turtle's problems. The perforations probably caused septisemia which made the turtle feel weak and lethargic. That in turn probably made the turtle float at the top of the water and then got hit by the boat. Poor turtle. It was really sad that it died but I am grateful that I got to see the necropsy and also I'm glad the turtle stopped suffering. It was obviously really uncomfortable and in a lot of pain.

My birthday is in six days and the intern party is coming up, too. We also have some intern activities that we're going to do, which includes sandcastle building lessons, Schlitterbahn, and other fun things. I still can't believe the summer is coming to a close. I'm going to miss having the beach in my backyard.